


Never grow old   时光不老

by HumpyHeidi



Category: Yes Minister, Yes Prime Minister
Genre: Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-08-09 21:23:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 60,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20124064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HumpyHeidi/pseuds/HumpyHeidi
Summary: 中英双语版 （我的自不量力居然坚持了这么久了～）The story since Chapter 3 is available in English, and you could read from Chapter 3 without missingthatmuch. First two chapters are some pre-canon pieces with a brief abstract in English about some background, and the real romance starts from Chapter 3.Some stories are interwoven with the canon, mostly an almost-love-story between two of our favourite civil servants.





	1. First meet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sophomore Bernard in Oxford got out of the library, bumped into Jumbo and made a small fuss. Humphrey rescued Bernard from Jumbo's reprimand and jokingly invited Bernard to join civil service after graduation. Eli, Bernard's friend who is interested in debate and familiar with those senior officials, told Bernard that Humphrey was an excellent debater in Oxford and a promising civil servant destined to reach the top. But Bernard already fell for Humphrey for his elegance and charm. Humphrey, in Jumbo's words, tend to like this type of blond with big eyes and interest in Greek philosophy back in his school days. So, it was love at first sight but they didn't really know each other.
> 
> English Version starts in Chapter 3.

1970s 牛津 贝利学院

  


连续下了好一阵子的雨，天终于放了晴，身后那几簇高耸的哥特式塔尖的生铁骨架上不知又多了几分锈迹。这些经历了数百年风雨的维多利亚时代的老建筑有时会让 Bernard 恍惚，当他在图书馆读《荷马史诗》或者《纯粹理性批判》的时候，偶尔抬眼把视线从书本上的文字飘到绚丽的窗户上时，会有那么一瞬间不知自己身在何处。这个雨后，他抱着书从图书馆出来，之前跟室友 Eli 约好了去观战辩论赛，时间似乎还来得及，他漫不经心的走着，看着身边石墙上的雕刻，立面上的雨还湿乎乎的，凸出的纹饰上滑下的雨水反射着夕阳的余晖，有一滴水聚在石狮子的鼻尖，仿佛是一滴汗珠。

  


狮子是一种特别不像猫的猫科动物，Bernard 想，在所有的猫科动物里，狮子个头最大，而且公狮母狮因为鬃毛的区别使性别在外观上一目了然，更重要的是：他们群居，他们需要群居，独居的狮子很难在野外存活。不像其他猫科动物，猫啊、老虎啊、豹子啊，一只独行的黑豹或者猞狸依然充满了杀手的气息，而一只茕茕孑立的狮子（八成是公狮）却似乎已经被打上了“被抛弃”的烙印，不仅是被他的族群抛弃，也即将被他的领地抛弃，被自然抛弃，被上帝抛弃。如果要当一种猫科动物，我还是不要当狮子吧，Bernard 想，兔狲似乎不错，软软的暖暖的，就是行动迟缓了点儿，但是只要能饱肚子，动作慢一点似乎也没什么不好，自己这样冒冒失失的不就总出错么……

  


“Bernard！”神游之际，忽然听到背后有些遥远的地方有人喊自己的名字，Bernard 知道那是 Eli，头也不回地答应了一声，转身就往声音的方向走。谁知道，他直接就跟身后路过的人撞了满怀，Bernard 自己差点没一屁股坐到地上，手里的书散落一地，连忙一边狼狈地捡书一边连声道歉。

  


被撞的人比 Bernard 高出快一个头，几乎有两个 Bernard 那么宽，年纪不大头发不多，穿着明显是为了参加高级晚宴而穿的黑色学袍，脸色快比学袍的颜色还黑了，瞪圆了眼睛训斥了一句：“Silly Boy！我这当年赛艇队队长的健硕块头你都看不见么？你这么大的眼睛是用来发呆的么？”。

  


Bernard 只能暂停捡书，低眉顺眼地面对眼前的壮汉，唯唯诺诺地说：“我向您奉上发自内心的诚挚歉意，我没注意到您走过来……”

  


“好了，Jumbo，他又不是故意的，你可把人家吓坏了。”一个慢条斯理的声音传过来，Bernard 这才发现被他撞到的这位 Jumbo 身边还有一个人，身材修长，英俊儒雅，也穿着学袍打着领结，棕色的卷发看似随性，却明显经过了精心打理。他俯身捡起来还掉在地上的一本《理想国》，站起来微微一笑，扬起了半边眉毛，深褐色的眼睛盯着 Bernard，却用玩笑的语气对 Jumbo 说：“不要随便跟贝利学院的学弟们生气，说不定哪个就是未来的内阁秘书呢。”说完，他翻了翻手里的书，说：“我还真怀念当年整天泡在图书馆里读希腊文的日子，至少不用天天跟议员之类的化外之民打交道。”说完，他把书递给 Bernard，问：“你叫什么名字？”

  


那声音明显带有安抚的成分，甚至可谓温柔，固然是想抵消刚才 Jumbo 造成的冲击。Bernard 的小心脏本来被 Jumbo 的责骂吓得不轻，这会儿却奇迹般的瞬间被抚平了：“Woolley，Bernard Woolley，贝利学院，主修历史，辅修德国古典哲学和希腊古典文学，今年大二……” Bernard 也不知道为什么人家只是问了个名字自己就一股脑儿说了这么多，他转念想到了人家八成并不是真的对自己好奇，只是看自己被朋友训斥得可怜兮兮想缓解气氛罢了。于是他说到半路又不知该如何继续了，戛然而止又觉得很尴尬，支吾下去又不知该说啥，他知道自己一定脸红了。

  


“好了，Humpy，我们该走了” ，Jumbo 不耐烦的催促。“Bernard Woolley，很高兴见到你”，那个被称为“Humpy”的人还保持着礼貌的微笑，对 Bernard 点头致意了一下：“你应该考虑毕业以后加入 Civil Service”，他留下了这句话，就与 Jumbo 一起翩然离去。

  


“那孩子连几本书都拿不好，怎么能搬得动红箱子？让他加入 Civil Service，Humpy 你真会开玩笑……”“他在读柏拉图，Jumbo 你知道我喜欢柏拉图……”两人渐行渐远的声音依然飘进 Bernard 的耳朵里，他还没想明白这话是什么意思，Eli 来到了他的身边。

  


“Bernard，你没事吧？”Eli 问，语气还有点微喘，他看到 Bernard 撞上 Jumbo 后就从小山坡那边一路小跑过来，但是看到他们说话时又踟蹰不前了，因为他辨认出了穿学袍的两个人是谁，“那似乎是 Sir Humphrey Appleby，白厅史上最年轻的 Deputy Secretary 之一，传言他五年之内就会成为 Permanent Secretary，百分之百的 high-flyer。当然，他还是牛津辩论队史上最佳辩手之一，在我看来，“之一”两个字都可以略去，我读过他的辩论赛发言记录，他可以把任何事情都解释为存在即合理，我真遗憾咱们入学时他已经毕业几年了，没机会亲临现场听他辩论了。现在他是对公众隐形的 Civil Servant，估计一般人很难听到那么精彩的辩论了，什么时候议会答辩若能把他请去，我一定要去现场学习一下……”

  


Eli 是辩论爱好者，对于牛津辩论队的历史颇有了解，Bernard 一向觉得说话是自己的弱项，习惯更多的保持沉默，也不太理解 Eli 对辩论的热爱，他一边与 Eli 一起向辩论比赛大厅的方向走，一边说：“我可想象不出来一个巨人一样的最佳辩手在场上挥斥方遒的样子。” 

  


Eli 瞪了 Bernard 一眼，说：“你这个榆木脑袋，我说的是另一个；你撞上的那个巨人应该是外交部的 Sir Frederick，他当赛艇队队长的那几年，咱们可没给剑桥任何机会，真没想到他会进外交部，我一直觉得内政部更适合他……说起赛艇队，Bernard 你真的应该参加，你这宽阔的肩膀，去了一定会让我们的队伍如虎添翼” 

  


“可是 Eli，对于赛艇这样的水上运动而言，无论是装备上老虎的尖牙利爪还是鸟类的翅膀，都不太可能对赛艇的速度有所裨益，也许需要的是如海豚的尾鳍之类的东西……”碎碎念的 Bernard 不用扭头看也感受到了身边 Eli 翻出的白眼：“对了，Eli 你怎么谁都认识？”

  


“那当然，他们两个可是高级文官啊。我的志向是要当 BBC 的王牌主持人呢，准备以后天天去拷问那些大臣们让他们语无伦次在节目上出丑，白厅的文官当然也要熟悉啦，尤其是咱们学院毕业的这些，我以后一定会需要他们给我提供内幕消息呢～”

  


看着 Eli 踌躇满志的样子，Bernard 有几分羡慕了。他不禁想了想自己的未来，他其实本来并没有很明确的想过以后要做什么。一直以来，Bernard 觉得自己属于“努力却不够聪明”的类型，他并没有像 Eli 那样属于辩论选手的敏捷反应，似乎光是把脑子里丰富的想法变成别人听得懂的语言表达出来都很难；但是他觉得自己的优点是善于倾听，而且似乎很擅长听懂别人。今天 Sir Humphrey 说他可以考虑加入 Civil Service，也许他可以试试？毕竟拉丁文是他的强项，毕竟 Sir Humphrey 是被 Eli 形容得跟传奇一样的人物，又是资深的 Civil Servant 加上贝利人，他看人的眼光应该很准吧？

  


说起眼光，那双带笑的褐色眼睛伴着温柔的声音又浮现在脑海里，Bernard 怀疑自己又莫名其妙脸红了，也许只是迎着夕阳走被晒的吧……

  


——————

“Humpy 你在想什么呢，半天不说话” Jumbo 不怀好意的笑了，“我知道你喜欢这个类型的……”

  


“哦？哪个类型？” Humphrey 歪着头，兴致盎然的问。

  


“大眼睛，宽肩膀，精通外语……” Jumbo 说着，意识到 Humphrey 也一脸坏笑的盯着自己的宽肩膀，“还必须得头发茂盛！”

  


“哈哈哈，Jumbo 你这玩笑可开不了几天咯，我可是已经订婚的人了” Humphrey 扬了扬自己的左手，象征性的展示了一下无名指上的戒指，“I'm one of us”

  


“If you say so，Humpy……” Jumbo 不置可否的耸耸肩。

  


Humphrey 不由自主地再次回头，望了一眼那两个远去的背影，夕阳虽然不算刺眼，但那两个迎光走去的人影已经看不太真切了。“Bernard Woolley”他在心中重复了这个名字，微笑还停留在嘴角。


	2. Cocktail party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About 5 years later than the previous chapter when the two have met for the first time. Bernard graduated from Oxford and joined the Civil Service, and saw Humphrey again in the recruiting cocktail party. The party is an occasion for the permanent secretaries to have an unofficial interview with those new civil servants. While other potential officials went for the 'popular' departments like Treasury and FCO, Bernard was keen on DAA because of Humphrey. Humphrey would like to make Bernard closer to himself, so he planned a little scheme to make Bernard his private property. But while he suggested this to Arnold, the latter saw through it and realised Humphrey had this special feeling for Bernard. Arnold had a crush on Humphrey since they were younger but he managed to hide it all the years for the career's sake. Out of a little jealousy, and more of protection, Arnold made Bernard the minister's PPS rather than Humphrey's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 时间线混乱，我已经放弃了。  
本章所有的授勋容易按书而不是电视里来（书里给的比较高~），书里迎接布兰达总统来访时，Sir Humphrey 已经拿到 K 了。  
内政大臣的灵感来自梅姨~
> 
> I know the timeline is a mess and I've already given up on that. Please forgive me.
> 
> All the Honours (C,K,G) in this chapter are set according to the books rather than the show. In 'Official Visit' in the book, Sir Humphrey has already got the K and were hoping to get the G.
> 
> The Home Secretary character is inspired by Teresa May

白厅 1975s

又是一年一度的 Civil Service 新人鸡尾酒会时间了。

每年这个时候，以 Oxbridge 毕业生为代表的天之骄子们，如果有幸拿到了二等以上学位，又有志于虽然默默无闻但是薪水丰厚爵位不愁养老无忧的文官生涯，且在笔试中成绩不俗，就有机会被邀请来白厅参加这次宴会。

说起来是欢迎新人，其实是各个内阁核心部门的 Permenant Secretaries 趁机挑人。虽然招募来的新人还会在酒会之后填一次志愿表去申请最想去的部门，还会有一次由 Permanent Secretary 主持的正式的一对一面试，但稍有野心的年轻人，都一门心思的往财政部或是首相的私人办公室这种热门部门里钻，僧多粥少，要选谁自然主要还是各位 Permanent Secretary 说了算。于是这场鸡尾酒会，就成了各位新人去常务们面前混眼熟的良机，多数消息灵通的人，都会第一时间逮住自己的目标，迎上前去充分表达仰慕之情。

Sir Humphrey 与 Sir Frederick 一起站在屋子的一角喝着小酒，勋章领结，衣冠楚楚，满面红光，只是一个人的气色好是因为心情好，另一个人是因为已经喝了不少。俩人的视线都难以避免地落到大厅中央，财政部的 Sir Frank 在那儿被三个年轻人包围着，觥筹交错把盏言欢。Frank 狐狸似的眼睛笑成了两条线，胸前的两枚勋章 bling bling 格外闪耀。

“Oh，for God's sake，Frank” Jumbo 忍不住嘀咕着：“英镑今天又贬值了，美联储又在给我们施压，他这溢于言表的快活劲儿也不收敛一点儿，要是哪个口风不紧的年轻人把这个场面说了出去，明天的卫报标题就会有：_**英镑走低政府无能，财政部常务谈笑风生**_。真是太不公平了，他居然比我先拿到 K ！”

“淡定，Jumbo ” Humphrey 抿了一小口雪莉酒，轻声说：“如果明天真有哪个报纸出现了这样的标题，也不是什么坏事，咱们就能知道应该把哪几个不可靠的新人直接派去斯旺西汽车牌照管理中心了。说不定这就是 Frank 的面试方式呢，毕竟他靠聊宏观经济学是判断不出来谁适合财政部的，不是么？并不是每个部门选人都像你们外交部那么容易，看看笔试的外语和地理成绩就差不多了”

“你不也一样么，Humpy，就喜欢挑法规条文背的熟的，所以咱俩今天落得清净~” Jumbo 显然还在为自己还没拿到 K 而不平。作为和财政部、内政部并列三大内阁王牌部门的外交部，他因为这次勋章比 Frank 拿得晚感到格外苦闷，头发比 Frank 少也就罢了，居然勋章也少，真是丢人。虽然内阁秘书还特别请他吃大餐安慰了他，向他保证下一批（半年后）一定有他。以现在的效果看来，那顿饭吃得不够饱。显然有眼力劲儿的新人都冲着场上唯一戴着两个勋章的 Sir Frank 去了，他们在边上喝了半天了，才十几个人来打招呼。

Humphrey 的 DAA 已然是众所周知的政治坟墓了，在内阁里的重要程度排到八九名，都快处于“核心内阁部门”的边缘了，所以他对于没人那么想进 DAA 也是很有思想准备的。但是三大王牌部门少了一个，这也是让 Frank 独领风骚的原因。“ Arnold 今天怎么没来？” Humphrey 自言自语道，毕竟如果马上就会拿到 G 的内政部 Permanent Secretary 也在场的话，区区一个 C 一个 K 的 Frank 也就不会那么醒目了。他起先以为 Arnold 是有事会迟来，直到刚看到了内政部的首席 Deputy Secretary，胖墩墩的 Harry，他显然是代表 Sir Arnold 来当伯乐的。

“你还不知道么，Humpy？” Jumbo 压低了声音说：“ Arnold 今晚跟内阁秘书一起参加内阁会议呢” Jumbo 对 Humphrey 使了个“你懂的”的眼色。Humphrey 想想今天自家大臣的日程安排，这个内阁会议并没有什么特别重要的议程，尤其没有任何跟内政部有关的事项，没有道理专门邀请内政部的常务参加，“啊！难道是……”Humphrey 恍然大悟，Jumbo 微笑着点了点头。Humphrey 也笑了，举起酒杯对 Jumbo 说：“To Sir Arnold？” Jumbo 欣然配合：“To Sir Arnold！”，清脆的碰杯。

接下来的一阵子，又陆续有两位剑桥、三个牛津和一个 LSE 的毕业生走过来跟两位常务简单聊了聊，多半都是跟 Jumbo 打探外交部的情况，Jumbo 免不了法语德语西班牙语轮流上，Humphrey 也时不时插上几句古典文学的问题，看看这些未来的对外代表们是否还记得大英帝国的昔日荣光。当一位国王学院的毕业生要班门弄斧的跟 Humphrey 显摆自己对麦克白的理解时，Humphrey 的目光已经飘到了大厅的另一方。Jumbo 意识到 Humphrey 忽然心不在焉了，打发掉了眼前的人，顺着 Humphrey 的目光看了过去。越过富丽堂皇的水晶吊灯，越过三三两两西装革履的人，他也发现了那个身影。

“我就觉得今天你用的古龙水跟平时不一样” Jumbo 坏笑着在 Humphrey 耳边说：“没想到这孩子还真的来了，你怎么知道他会来？” Jumbo 话一出口就知道自己犯傻了：“啊，是我喝多了，我都忘了 Civil Service 招新人的简历归哪个部门管的了” 。

“而且你也忘了拉丁文考试的题目是谁出的，卷子是谁判的。” Humphrey 得意的笑了，又抿了一口雪莉酒。

“我可真想不到我们尊敬的 Sir Humphrey 会在百忙之中亲自批改拉丁文卷子，这种事不是一向由 Norman 或者 Graham 代劳就好了么？” Jumbo 揶揄了起来。

“以往是，今年比较特别” Humphrey 轻声说，冲 Jumbo 调皮地眨眨眼。终于，那个男孩的目光发现了这个方向，他似乎犹豫了一下，还是鼓起勇气从旁边侍者的盘子里拿了杯香槟，走了过来。

Bernard 当然有些紧张，因为他不知道在这样的场合自己应该做什么，能说什么。人们看起来是在谈论经济或者哲学，但是他如果插入几句就会立刻杀死谈话，他甚至有点怀疑自己是否真的适合当一个 Civil Servant 了。无助的张望之际，他看到了大厅另一边的那个人，虽然隔着那么多人，但他确定他没有看错，那就是5年前曾经有过一面之缘的人（毕竟旁边还有 Jumbo 这样的参照，要认错也是不太可能的）。那个人还是跟5年前一样气质超群，如果有什么变化，那就是比当年更成熟，更优雅，更潇洒了。当大厅中央的 Sir Frank 像一杯冒泡啤酒一样止不住喧嚣时，Sir Humphrey 就像一杯陈酿，静静的在壁炉边，散发着他致命的吸引力。Bernard 都不知道自己是什么时候迈开了步伐，他似乎看到 Sir Humphrey 喝酒的时候眯起眼睛对自己笑了一下，那表情像某种猫科动物，美洲狮？老虎？都不对，更像是……一只雪豹。

雪豹是会吃了兔狲的。不知为什么，这个场景浮现在 Bernard 的脑海。

“Good evening, Sir Humphrey. Good evening, Sir Jumbo…… oh no, Sir Frederick……”一开口就说错话，Bernard 直接萌生了用脑袋撞几下壁炉然后转身就走的念头，但是不知怎么的迈不动腿，只能眼巴巴地看着 Jumbo 瞪着的大眼睛，硬着头皮继续说：“我们几年前打过个撞面，哦不，我是说打了照面，见过一面……您一定不记得了，在牛津的贝利学院，我说学院其实并不是学院里面，是外面，图书馆的狮子旁边，当然，并不是真的狮子，虽说那一大片草地似乎也能养狮子，I mean……” 

Jumbo 夸张地叹了口气，无奈地埋头喝酒。 Humphrey 努力忍着不笑出声，举着酒杯歪着头，很享受地看着年轻人脸越来越红的样子，本想一直看着他发窘的样子着实可爱，后来想到万一再这么下去 Jumbo 又要训人了，便开口解围：“Hello and welcome, Mr. Woolley. 你果然来了，我很欣慰。”。Sir Humphrey 优雅地伸出了手，Bernard 鼓起勇气握了握。Humphrey 的手白皙修长，是一双标准的高级文官的手，Bernard 感受到 Humphrey 手掌的温暖和柔软，也感到握手瞬间两个人无名指上的戒指碰在一起时的金属质感。“Please do call me Bernard，Sir Humphrey ” 似乎是 Sir Humphrey 的体温传来了能量，Bernard 终于说出了一句正常的句子。

“虽然似乎咱们已经认识了，但我想还是有必要正式介绍一下。我是 DAA 的 Permanent Secretary，Humphrey Appleby，这位是外交部的 Permanent Secretary，Sir Frederick Stewart” 。Sir Humphrey 举起酒杯指向身边的 Jumbo，后者也礼貌地伸出了巨手。Bernard 机械的与 Jumbo 握手，感觉手上残余的温存气息瞬间被 Jumbo 的大肉手揉得无影无踪，不禁心中遗憾：若是先跟 Jumbo 握手再跟 Sir Humphrey 握手，那 Sir Humphrey 的气息是不是就可以留存很久？

Jumbo 摆开了常务的架子，用权威的语气问：“那么，年轻人，你最想进哪个部门呢？”心想着我们外交部可不要这样连话都说不通顺的人。

“呃……其实……我并不确定” Bernard 想想自己没必要在这两位资深常务面前耍花腔，还是决定实话实说了：“ 我父亲希望我进内政部，我母亲希望我进财政部，我的未来丈母娘希望我进首相办公室，我未婚妻希望我进外交部……” 说着说着 Bernard 开始觉得自己有些失礼了，叽里呱啦把其他部门点了一圈，却没提及面前这个自己最仰慕的人所管理的部门。但是他真的不知道要给自己一个怎样的理由才能把想进 DAA 说得顺理成章，毕竟大家都知道 DAA 是个政治坟墓啊。

“那么你自己呢？你自己最想要什么?” Humphrey 看着 Bernard 的眼睛，微微点头问，看上去他并没有被 Bernard 的答案冒犯，保持着他一如既往地风度。

“我想成为最优秀的 Civil Servant，在哪个部门不重要” Bernard 鼓起勇气，抬起脸直视 Humphrey，真挚地脱口而出。

“那你应该去 DAA，”Jumbo 忍不住助攻了一句，拿胳膊肘轻轻碰了碰 Humphrey：“So you could learn from the BEST”

“我可不敢这么说，” Humphrey 咯咯笑了，“但是我们 DAA 当然欢迎你这样有才华的年轻人。” Humphrey 的目光一直没有从 Bernard 大眼睛上移开，他扬起眉毛，展示出当晚最大的一个微笑，举起自己的酒杯，对 Bernard 说：“Cheers”

\--------------------------------------------  
2 Weeks Later， Cabinet Office  
2周后 内阁办公室  
\--------------------------------------------  
Sir Arnold Robinson 心满意足的靠在自己的皮椅里，散漫地翻着眼前的 Civil Servant 们的档案。正式接任了退休的前任，成为内阁秘书一个多星期了，他已经把大臣们的 MI5 files全部浏览了一遍，看到了各种比喜剧电影情节还离奇的笑话。相比之下，文官们的档案实在是平淡无奇甚至有些无趣，但是既然自己已经正式获得了他们职务任免的生杀大权，还是得谨慎才对。秘书走进来通知他，Humphrey 来了。 Arnold 坐直了身体，目光迎向门口走进来的人：“Ah, Humphrey, please sit down”

“Arnold，很高兴你愿意花点时间来允许我打扰你” Humphrey 坐下整了整西装，露出了一个狡黠的微笑，Arnold 知道他一定又有什么鬼点子了。“我想冒昧地跟你打听一下，你在内政部的继任者的事。

“哦？”Arnold 对这个话题不算太意外，但是他习惯于后发制人，所以平静地说：“你有什么想法呢，Humphrey？”

“我斗胆猜想，你是这么准备的。下一步按理说轮到 Harry 了，可以论资排辈地把他从 Deputy Secretary 升成 Permanent Secretary，这当然是最合理的安排，但是……” Humphrey 顿了顿， 偷看一眼阿诺德，试图参透那厚厚的眼镜片后面的神色：“但是这样一来，Harry 的 Deputy 位置空下来了，我不知道你现阶段有没有什么明确的想法，因为内政部似乎没有资历足够的人可以填补这个空位了。”

Arnold 面无表情的说：“Please go on.”

“我在想……你要不要考虑一下……把这个 Deputy 的位置……给……Norman” Humphrey 谨慎的说出了自己的首席私人秘书的名字，见 Arnold 没有发话，他继续道：“Norman is one of us. 这些年来也没出什么大错，整个来说是个非常谨慎的人，跟着我在 DAA 这些年来一直忠心耿耿办事牢靠，我想既然有这个机会，也应该给他升职了。”

Arnold 有一点点意外，他本来以为 Humphrey 要推荐他自己去当内政部的常务，毕竟内政部是比 DAA 权力大得多的部门。虽说常务——Permanent Secretary 本身的 Permanent 一词就意味着不流动，常务们如无意外基本上永远不会换部门的，但是以这一辈年轻常务们的能力而言，Humphrey 如果要去管内政部，也是绝对够格的，Harry 就算去 DAA 当常务也不会有丝毫怨言。他不确定 Humphrey 的葫芦里卖的什么药，因为以他一直以来的观察，Humphrey 对 Norman 虽然不乏适当的点拨，但是并没有特别明显的器重。Arnold 一边从面前的人事档案袋里找出 DAA 的高级文官那一袋，一边缓缓的开口说：“我差点以为你自己要去当内政部的常务呢，Humphrey”

“Oh no, Arnold” Humphrey 连忙笑着摇头：“你知道我很不擅长和女人打交道，尤其是漂亮的 Mistress ”。Humphrey 刚入行当私人秘书时还略生嫩，经常被当时的女大臣 Dr Edith 整得焦头烂额。现在的内政部长是位强悍和美貌一样出名的女性，她那铿锵有力的牛津音和她线条优美的小腿弧线以及永远不变的豹纹皮鞋都为下院如马戏团一般的质询场面增加了不少色彩。甚至有传说是她迟早是未来的首相候选人，Humphrey 会怕她似乎也是情有可原的。

Arnold 几乎要觉得这个理由可以接受了，转念又想到一个小问题，随口问道：“如果 Norman 走了，你希望把哪位副秘书提成你的首席私人秘书？”

“啊，这个 Arnold 你放心，我已经选好了，是个新人，叫 Bernard Woolley，也是咱们贝利出来的” Humphrey 眼见小阴谋要得逞了，忍不住神采奕奕，像个孩子炫耀自己私藏的宝贝一样夸了起来：“他的拉丁文满分，法律条款考试排名第二，毕业论文我也看了，引经据典非常合理，连写的字都非常漂亮，甚至可以说，比我写的字还漂亮，Arnold。一般这样优质的年轻人是很少会愿意来 DAA 的，但是他的志愿表是这么填的，我想这样的 high-flyer 应该可以直接获得一个好位置。”

Humphrey 谈起 Bernard 时眼中闪出了别样的光彩，这可没有逃过 Arnold 的眼睛，这一丝光彩，仿佛一道闪电划过 Arnold 的脑海，鸣出一声惊雷。隔着厚厚的眼镜片，依然盯着桌上的文件，新任内阁秘书没有显露出任何表情。

从早年的战场经历到之后多年的文官生涯，这一路的摸爬滚打，让 Arnold 有足够的经验掩盖此时他心中的震惊。他震惊于 Humphrey 在提起 Bernard 时充满光彩的眼神，他认识那个眼神，他太清楚那个眼神的意义了，他知道那是他第一次见到 Humphrey 时自己的眼神。当年那个风度翩翩的新人辩手，轻松写意的脱口而出各种长篇大论，使辩论大厅所有其他生物都黯淡无光，甚至连屋顶的壁画都失去了色彩，连悬挂着的水晶灯都没有了光芒。而只有他，当年才 20 出头的 Humphrey Appleby，每一颦一笑都熠熠生辉，每一词一句都宛如天籁。每一次他用演莎士比亚戏剧似的夸张腔调说对方辩手的说法是孤例不证时（This is an isolated example.），example 这个词，区区几个音节的发音总是充满了抑扬顿挫，那一瞬间，Arnold 忽然意识到自己的胸口也随着他的语调而起伏……

Arnold 很清楚自己对 Humphrey 的偏爱一旦释放出来就会像开闸放水一样无法止住，同时他很确定，自己人生的终极目标就是要当内阁秘书，要当去管理国家的那个人。他不会让任何事情，任何人，任何感情挡住自己的道路。即使后来在白厅成功地与 Humphrey 重聚后，他也时刻提醒自己，要保持安全距离。之前还是内政部的 Permanent Secretary 时，他作为钦定的内阁秘书接班人，早已清楚自己对内阁秘书的建议可以影响许多高级文官的升迁，因此他反而是出于谨慎起见，在自己的权利慢慢增长到可以影响到 Humphrey 的利害后，时常故意让 Humphrey 受点小委屈，比如论资排辈的授勋这种事。让 Frank 和 Jumbo 这些基本无害的人先站到舞台上去竞争吧，纵然文官们整体而言对外是谨慎而团结的，但是内部说长道短的也大有人在。Humphrey 因为是最年轻的常务之一，早年免不了被当成枪打出头鸟的靶子，成为爱嫉妒的人的攻击对象，但是扎根于 DAA 这样的政治坟墓，似乎反而可以更充分的保护他。多年以来，Humphrey 的言行似乎都证明 Arnold 的安排是合理的，他在内阁秘书面前宠辱不惊，对 Arnold 交代的任务从来都是鼎力完成，虽然偶尔搞点小动作捞点小好处，但是自己应该永远不用怀疑 Humphrey 的忠诚，不是么？

Arnold 迅速把脑海中闪出来的 20 岁的 Humphrey 的影像关进了回忆的盒子里，并扣上了假设的锁，然后缓缓地说：“让新人直接当首席私人秘书，这样的事情也不是没有先例，但是特别少。上一次出现，还是20多年前吧，当年那位被时任内阁秘书称为命中注定会成为 Permanent Secretary 的 high-flyer 是……”Arnold 凝视着 Humphrey 的脸，对方皱着浓眉，微微噘起了嘴，显然在努力琢磨他那捉摸不透的表情，“是你，Humphrey。” Arnold 镇定的说：“你确定这位 Bernard Woolley 可以堪此重任么？”

Humphrey 怎会知道 Arnold 云淡风轻的外表下隐藏了多少惊涛骇浪，他连忙点点头，自信地说：“I believe so, Arnold.”

“既然如此，如果这真的是个可造之材，那我们确实应该好好重用他。”Arnold 漫不经心地在手边的新人档案里找出 Bernard 的那一张纸，和面前的 DAA 人事档案放在一起，一面扫视着，一面缓缓的说：“但是你们 DAA 有个问题，就是 David”

Humphrey 刚刚放松了几秒钟的表情又僵住了：“David？大臣的首席私人秘书，他有什么问题？”

“He's not sound.” Arnold 把视线从眼前的纸上移到 Humphrey 的脸上，看着对方像猫一样眯起了眼睛，“屋顶花园的事情，他前两天居然告诉了他的妻子，他的妻子告诉了邻居，邻居告诉了太阳报的记者，我差一点就没把这消息拦下来，你知道如果泄露出去了，你们部门会被舰队街围剿的吧”

“啊……是这样啊……我没意识到这个问题这么严重” Humphrey 支吾着，不知道 Arnold 要把对话往哪个方向引领，下意识地扯了扯领带结。

“David 出现这样的纰漏，有些人可能会说是你管教不严” Arnold 装作还在认真审视眼前的文件，余光瞟到 Humphrey 的脖子，看到他的喉结动了一下，“当然，我知道这不是你的问题，但我还是觉得有必要做点什么来给年轻人们敲敲警钟。我准备把 David 安排到体育部去，毕竟那里也没什么可泄露的。” Arnold 重新抬起头，看着 Humphrey 脸上的红光一点点消失，接着说：“你说的没错，Norman 可以升职去当内政部的Deputy，这位 Bernard Woolley 也可以去 DAA 当首席私人秘书，不过是大臣的，不是你的。Norman 的空缺，我看就让 Graham 来填补吧，毕竟他也是个可靠的 one of us，不是吗？Norman的 工作 Graham 也都很熟悉了，应该不需要你花太多时间去指导，这样你就可以好好调教你的这位 high-flyer 了”。Arnold 故意把“你的”两个字加重了语气，看着 Humphrey 再次紧张地咽了一下口水，继续说道：“Humphrey 你知道，要培养接班人，最好还是保持一定的安全距离。如果完全把他放在自己的翅膀底下罩着，他就学不会自己飞了。大臣的首席私人秘书是比 Permanent Secretary 的首席私人秘书更能锻炼人的位置，你是两个位置都干过的过来人，很清楚这种走钢丝的事情可以让一个 Civil Servant 能力得到怎样的提升，这是每一个 high-flyer 的必经之路，对吧？”

我并不想让他飞走，我只想他在我身边啊。Humphrey 心里想着，嘴里却说：“Yes, Arnold.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Through the show, I always feel that Arnold has a strong biased affection for Humphrey, obviously liked him more than Frank or others, and always helped Humphrey for his interest. In the book, however, Arnold is more heartless and crafty and show little love to Humphrey (rather disappointing if I may say so). Nevertheless, in my mind, everybody loves Humphrey.


	3. Can you keep a secret?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please drag down to view the English version of this Chapter. This could also work as an isolated piece.
> 
> This happened during S1E2 of Yes Minister ‘The Official Visit’. Humphrey recruited Bernard into DAA, however, nothing romantic had happened between them so far, well, so far until this night on the train to Edinburgh...

“Welcome to the standing committee” Sir Humphrey 一向都很擅长在大臣焦头烂额的时候妙语连珠，文官们都乐坏了，大臣当然笑不出来。Jumbo 居然挤进了车厢，真是不可思议，这么小的空间竟然可以塞进6个人，Jumbo的体积完全可以算再多一个～ Bernard 苦苦支撑着想保持平衡，还是被 Jumbo 用两根指头就推到了床板上。他努力挣扎着，就看到那穿着金丝睡袍的胳膊伸了过来，Sir Humphrey 自己都算是艰难支撑了，还不忘帮忙让他站起来，Bernard 感到一阵暖意，轻轻握住了Sir Humphrey的手腕。

Sir Humphrey 在白厅一向是把量身定制的衬衣扣得严严实实的，还时常搭配着各种精致的袖扣，Bernard 确信这是自己第一次看到 Sir Humphrey的手腕，不仅见到，还摸到，那些浅棕色的绒毛出人意料地柔软。Sir Humphrey 在部里的工作风格就算不是“锋利”也绝对谈不上“柔和”，这手腕的触感，还有这丝质睡衣的风格，都与平日的 Sir Humphrey 产生了巨大的反差，让 Bernard 迷惑了。虽然他还能听到大臣和常务们的积极讨论，却已无法集中注意力去听他们到底在说啥了。

Jumbo 的声音传来：“Don’t we, Humpy？”…… “ Humpy ?! ” 大臣显然是第一次知道 Sir Humphrey 的昵称，惊讶不已，Sir Humphrey 给出一个温柔的微笑算是对大臣的回应，抽回了手继续分析Buranda 这个制造麻烦的 HRRC 总统去了。

Bernard 的心也随着 Sir Humphrey 抽回的手忽然一空，暂时放弃了站起来的想法。既然没有任何人注意到，他干脆坐在床板上，脑袋正好在 Sir Humphrey 的胸口旁。 Sir Humphrey 身上散发着须后水的清香，与工作时的那种高高在上的传统贵族风格的古龙水不一样，很淡很淡，但是真实存在……

Bernard 忍不住偷偷的深吸了几口，意识到这似乎是自己第一次离 Sir Humphrey 这么近，近到几乎是紧挨在一起，近到可以沉浸在 Sir Humphrey 的前所未有的气息里。这气息让他想起雨后的泥土，想起萌出的青草，想起贝利学院图书馆旁的湿乎乎的石狮子，想起他们初见的那个黄昏，他的想法无可避免地飘向了错误的方向：Sir Humphrey 的鬓角这两年开始出现了几丝白发，不知为何这让Bernard 觉得他更迷人了；他的金丝睡袍的腰带上系了个精巧的结，看上去一只手就可以解开；里面那件靛蓝色睡衣的小扣子看起来不怎么结实，不知会不会一扯就掉；胸口也隐约可见灰褐色的卷毛，不知往下会延续到腹部还是更深……

Oh No! 我在想什么？！Bernard 强行把自己思绪拉回大家的讨论，只听 Sir Humphrey 说: “Of course Minister, I’d hardly let you do it on your own. ”大家似乎正好在这时都商量好了，开始一个个陆续走出了门，仿佛一辆超载车大巴车终于到了换乘站，Bernard 超载的大脑也得以开始恢复运转。

于是 Bernard 又和 Sir Humphrey 一起跟大臣确认了一下明天的日程安排，然后向大臣道了晚安，一前一后出门来到了走廊里。Bernard 跟在 Sir Humphrey 的身后，一手拿着公文包，一手在大衣口袋里摸索……“Oh No, Crikey! ” Sir Humphrey 回过头，用他惯常的那种略显居高临下的关心语调说：“又有新麻烦了么，Bernard?” 。Bernard 把公文包换到了另一只手上，一边继续在口袋里认真摸索，一边吞吞吐吐地说：“我……我好像……把车票弄丢了……”

Sir Humphrey 把 Bernard 手上的包拿了过来，让他仔细地把每个口袋都又找了一遍，“确实没有，一定是我在跑下台阶奔向火车的时候掉了……”，“你还记得自己在哪个房间吗？” Bernard 委屈地说：“我上车后就一直在给大家发文件，都还没进过自己的房间。现在已经这么晚了大家可能都休息了，我也不好意思去挨个敲门问了，怕万一打扰了其他人休息多不好……” Humphrey 轻笑着说：“Oh，my poor Bernard～” Bernard 埋着头，等着 Sir Humphrey 的冷嘲热讽，做好了在卧铺车走廊上窝一晚上的心理准备。 作为一个英国绅士，他是很有原则的：打扰其他人休息绝对是英国人最无法接受的三种失礼行为之一，连大臣在内阁会议上打瞌睡首相都不会去唤醒他们。除非世界末日来了，否则绝不能打扰别人休息。也许，就算世界末日来了也不该打扰别人，让别人安睡着死去甚至可谓一种慈悲了。

“你睡觉打呼噜么，Bernard？” Bernard 也听不出 Sir Humphrey 的语气是认真的还是开玩笑的：“哦，我猜应该没有，Sir Humphrey，Elsa 从来没抱怨过，我是说，我妻子没提过……” 在摇晃的卧铺车厢黑乎乎的走廊里，面对穿着金丝睡袍和靛蓝睡衣的 Sir Humphrey，沉浸在他须后水的气息里，忽然提起自己的妻子，这真的是太奇怪了。

“如果是这样的话，my dear Bernard，在我看来，关于你今晚就寝的麻烦，我也许可以说，我有办法提供一个可行的解决方案，如果你觉得这个提议可以接受的话……” Sir Humphrey 歪着头，带笑的眼睛在黑暗中亮晶晶的：“你可以跟我一起睡，我想，如果你不介意的话……我也不打呼噜”。

Bernard 一时觉得喘不过气来，他相信自己此刻心跳的幅度一定 literally 超过了脚下火车轮轴的起伏了，这起伏都快让他站不稳脚跟了。Sir Humphrey 邀请他……一起睡？！！！他不知道自己的脸是红的还是白的，或是红白交替的？

“Don’t panic, Bernard. 我只是建议咱俩同住一间房，并不是同睡一张床……” Sir Humphrey 看到 Bernard 惊呆的脸，笑出了声：“走吧！” 他把 Bernard 的公文包递了回去，转身继续往前走，把右手伸到耳后，食指做了个：“来！” 的手势。Bernard 低下头，连忙跟了上去。

———

“请进！”，Sir Humphrey 打开了自己的卧铺屋门，Bernard 从 Sir Humphrey 身后探出脑袋一望，知道为什么 Sir Humphrey 会邀请自己一起来了。刚才忙着发文件时自己太慌张了，根本都没注意到，原来 Sir Humphrey 住的是双人间。与大臣的单人卧铺不同，双人间里并没有洗脸池和镜子等，两侧墙边分别有一张床板，中间的距离刚刚勉强够一个人站。现在一张床上摆了两个红箱子，还铺了一些文件，显然是 Sir Humphrey 之前一直在批阅的。“无法避免必须坐卧铺时，我一般都订双人间，比较方便处理公文。我刚才在 Sir Frederick 的房间洗漱过了，Bernard 你可以先把东西放下，然后去公共洗手间洗漱。我正好先把文件收一下，你回来了就可以铺床休息了，明天咱们都得早起呢。”

“可是，Sir Humphrey……” Bernard 虽然因为有床可睡而安心不少，却还是忍不住担忧一个重要的问题：“您一个人占了双人间，怎么报销旅费呢？” Sir Humphrey 好像并没觉得这个问题意外，露出了他典型的坏笑：“我每次都让 Graham 填报他跟我一起出行，然后这几天就给他放假，部里人就会默认他跟我一起出差了。因为真的需要搭乘卧铺火车的时候很少见，所以至今也没有其他人注意到。当然，这个你得保密。” Sir Humphrey 用修长的食指轻轻点了一下 Bernard 的鼻子，Bernard 连忙点点头，觉得自己又多了一个羡慕 Graham 的理由。他放下了自己的包，迅速从里面掏出洗漱包，说了几句抱歉叨扰的话就退出房间去找公共洗手间了。Sir Humphrey 看着他的背影，慢慢摇摇头，深深叹了口气。

———

“Can you keep a secret?” Sir Humphrey 眯起深褐色的眼睛，压低了声音，凑近了Bernard，须后水的味道蔓延过来。  
“Of course I can. ” Bernard 肯定地说。  
“So can I. ” Sir Humphrey 的声音更低了，低到只有他一个人能听到，他无法抵挡这低音炮的诱惑，凑上去深深吻住了 Sir Humphrey 的嘴……

“Oh my God！” Bernard 忽然惊醒，睁大了眼睛：啊，原来是梦。行进中的火车还在耳边持续轰鸣，偏硬的床板间或有些轻微的摇晃。窗帘并没有拉，微弱的月光洒进来，他扭头看向屋子的另一端，Sir Humphrey 侧着身睡得很安稳。Bernard 看了一眼手表，隐隐约约的凌晨2点43，他又盯了一会儿车厢的天花板，长长地深呼吸。终于，他慢慢起身地坐到床边，努力不发出任何声音。

他离睡着的 Sir Humphrey 只有不到 3 英尺的距离，他小心翼翼地轻轻俯身，跪到 Sir Humphrey 的面前，把这3英尺变成了 3 英寸。月光下，Sir Humphrey 的身体随着呼吸有节奏地缓缓起伏，他已经脱去了金丝睡袍，还穿着靛蓝色的睡衣，不知道最上面的那颗小扣子是否解开了。他的右胳膊在毯子外面，Bernard 摸过的手腕却和手一起压在枕头下面，就像藏了什么宝贝公文在那儿似的。窗外偶尔有零星的灯光一闪而过地投射进来，Bernard 静静地，贪婪地，肆无忌惮地看着这位爵士沉睡的脸，就像欣赏着拉斐尔的油画或是米开朗基罗的雕塑，或是莎士比亚的十四行诗，或是维瓦尔第的协奏曲…… 他想辨认清楚 Sir Humphrey 的鬓角到底有几根白发，努力回忆第一根是两年前还是三年前出现的；他又数了数 Sir Humphrey 有几条鱼尾纹，数目似乎没增加只是纹路似乎深了点儿？浓密的眉毛在主人睡着时也没能完全舒展，眼睫毛偶尔微颤一下，也许他也还在梦里为国事心烦；还有那不管得不得理都不饶人的嘴，有一丝不加掩饰的疲惫……

“Can you keep a secret?” Bernard 仿佛又听到这张嘴问出了那个问题，他无奈地跪坐到自己的脚跟上，低头陷入了反思。他进 DAA 差不多5年了，Sir Humphrey 对他一直温和而严格。凡事都要按照规章制度来办，任何文书工作都不允许偷工减料，一切以政府的稳定持续发展为重。不管大臣是老糊涂了的 MacIver 还是无知的 Tom Sargent，Bernard 始终尽职尽责，目送他们一个去了上院另一个变成了在野。Sir Humphrey 给他的年度考评结果一向不错，Bernard 实在没啥什么可抱怨的。如果实在要说对他们的工作关系有什么失望，那就是他觉得 Sir Humphrey 跟自己交流太少了。当初 Jumbo 说他可以直接跟 Sir Humphrey 学习如何当最优秀的文官时，Bernard 还期待他可以天天粘在 Sir Humphrey 身边耳濡目染，但实际上，他们甚至一周都说不了几句话。Sir Humphrey 跟大臣预约开会经常是由 Graham 给 Bernard 打电话，而不是亲自找他。Bernard 只有在 Sir Humphrey 跟大臣“提建议”时方能感受这位牛津史上最佳辩手的才华，并忠实记录下他是如何把大臣忽悠到九霄云外的。偶尔幸运的话，他能顺利截获 Sir Humphrey 在胜券在握时投射过来的得意目光，仿佛也分享了他的小诡计。但实际上，他往往是在 Sir Humphrey 完全得逞的时候才知道到底发生了什么，几乎全程都跟大臣一样被蒙在鼓里，因为 Sir Humphrey 几乎从来不给他什么机会单独聊聊，也许是觉得没这个必要吧，或是对自己的能力不够信任。虽然 Bernard 偶尔会收到那些提了小要求的备忘录——写给 B.W. 署名 H.A. 的细长条的便签——这些他都作为宝贝好好珍藏了。其实他多么希望备忘录上的称呼可以变成 Dear Bernard，署名可以变成 Yours ever Humphrey，甚至Humpy? …… 这个奢求显然太异想天开了，因为自己是如此愚钝得无可救药。上个月，现任大臣 Jim Hacker 刚来不久的那天，Sir Humphrey 在俱乐部难得邀请自己加入他和 Sir Arnold 的谈话，而他的木讷显然在内阁秘书年前给他的上司丢脸了，一定是因为这样，Sir Humphrey 才会问了“Can you keep a secret?”之后，借口要打个电话就离开了……

“我当然能保守秘密。” Bernard 在沉睡的 Sir Humphrey 面前喃喃的说，声音很轻很轻：“这个秘密我保守了快10年了，可是我没有对任何人提起过……那就是……我第一次见到您时就被深深的迷住了……而且……这迷恋……随着时间的流逝与日俱增，无法自拔……”

虽然确信没有第二个人能听到自己的声音，Bernard 依然被自己说出口的话吓到了。身为一个英国绅士，这样的感情就应该埋在心里守一辈子最后带入坟墓不是吗？也许自己真的不是一个合格的绅士吧。Bernard 无奈地闭上了眼睛，屏住了呼吸，在须后水的气息中，缓缓靠近 Sir Humphrey，用自己的唇碰了碰对方的唇，极轻，极浅，极快……

“也许，这就足够了。” Bernard 这次的低语甚至没出声。他最后看了一眼依然沉睡的梦中人，蹑手蹑脚地回到了自己的床上……

——— the following words are the English Version of this story———

Can you keep a secret?

‘Welcome to the standing committee’, Sir Humphrey has always been very adept at quipping when the minister is in trouble, which all civil servants found ‘very droll’, but the minister, of course, did not laugh. Jumbo managed to squeeze into the room! incredibly that such small space could witness six people inside (including JUMBO who could count as two!). Bernard was trying to keep his balance but Jumbo easily pushed him onto the bed with two fingers. As Bernard was trying to get back to his feet, he saw the arm in the golden silk robe reaching out to help. Sir Humphrey himself was struggling to maintain the steadiness but yet did not forget to help Bernard to get back to his feet. Feeling touched, Bernard gently grasped the wrist of Sir Humphrey.

In Whitehall, the Permanent Secretary of DAA was always in tailored shirt, button tightly, with various delicate cufflinks mostly. Bernard was sure that this was the first time he had even seen Sir Humphrey’s wrist. Not only see it, but also touch it. Those light-brown hair on his wrist felt unexpectedly soft. The working style of Sir Humphrey in the ministry, if not ‘sharp’ or ‘coarse’, is definitely not ‘soft’. The softness of his hairy wrist, as well as the fashion style of the silk pyjamas, had lead to a huge contrast in perception with the ‘ordinary’ Sir Humphrey, which confused Bernard profoundly. While he could still hear the on-going discussions among ministers and permanent secretaries, he could no longer concentrate on what they were actually articulating.

Jumbo's voice rose: ‘Don't we, Humpy?’ ... ‘Humpy? !’ It was obviously the first time that the minister learnt Sir Humphrey’s nickname, and he was absolutely shocked. Sir Humphrey gave a gentle smile as a reply to the minister, pulled back his hand to continue gesticulating the ulterior intention of the troublemaker HRRC Buranda president.

Bernard's felt downcast suddenly with the withdrawal of Sir Humphrey's hand, so he gave up the idea of standing up for the time being. Since nobody seemed to pay any attention, he decided to sit on the bed and let his head linger by Sir Humphrey's chest. Sir Humphrey’s body is enveloped in the aftershave scent, distinct from the aristocratic cologne he tended to wear when working, very light but very real...

Bernard could not help but take a few more deep breaths, and realized that this could be by far the closest that he has every reach to Sir Humphrey, so close that the distance between them is only a few layers of fabrics of their shirt/coat/pyjamas/robes, so close that he could immerse himself in the unprecedented aroma of Sir Humphrey. This aftershave scent reminded him of the mud after the rain, the budding of spring grass, the wet stone lions on the facade of Bailey’s library, reminiscent of the dawn they ever locked their eyes. On the rail to Edinburgh, Bernard’s ideas inevitably went into the wrong track: Sir Humphrey's temples began to show a few grey hairs in the last couple of years, which Bernard found somehow more attractive, even sexier; an exquisite knot was made to fasten the waistband of his silk robe, which seemingly could be undone singlehanded; the small button on the indigo nightgown inside did not look pin-tight enough, could be torn off easily; traces of taupe curly hairs on his chest could be observed, one wondered whether they would go down to his belly or even deeper...

‘Oh No! What was I thinking?! ’Bernard shouted to himself in silent. ‘Of course Minister, I've hardly let you do it on your own.’ Sir Humphrey’s voice dragged him back to reality. It could be speculated that the ministers and officials have settled on a conclusion so they started evacuating one by one. It's like an overloaded bus finally arrived at the transfer station and crowds could flow out, meanwhile Bernard's brain, equally overloaded, finally started to function again.

Later on, Bernard confirmed minister’s coming diary with Sir Humphrey, then they said goodnight to the minister and went out to the corridor one after another. Bernard followed Sir Humphrey, briefcase in one hand, fumbling in his coat pocket... 'Oh No, Crikey! ', Sir Humphrey turned back and said, in his usual slightly condescending tone of concern,' Is there any more trouble, Bernard?', Bernard changed his briefcase to the other hand and continued to grope in his pocket. 'I... I seem to have... lost my ticket... '

Sir Humphrey took over Bernard's briefcase and asked him to search every pocket carefully again. ‘Nowhere. I must have lost it while dashing down to catch the train... ’, ‘Do you remember which room you were booked in? ’, Bernard answered sadly, ‘I've been sending out the papers since I got on the train, with no chance to get to my own room yet. Now it is so late that everyone could have been resting, it would be intolerably embarrassing to knock at the door to find out, I would wake up someone.....’. ‘Oh, my poor Bernard ~’ Humphrey chuckled. Bernard hangs his head, waiting for Sir Humphrey's taunts, ready to spend the night in the sleeper corridor. As a British gentleman, he has his principle: To disturb other’s rest is one of the three most unacceptable faux pas in Britain. Even the prime minister would not wake up a minister who dozes off in a cabinet meeting. Unless the end of the world comes, one would never disturb others’ rest. Perhaps even with the arrival of the end of the world, one should not disturb others yet. Let the others sleep peacefully to die would even qualify as a mercy.

‘Do you snore, Bernard?’, ‘Oh, I guess not, Sir Humphrey. Elsa never complained. I mean, my wife never mentioned it...’ It was bizarre to mention his wife in the darkness of the cracking corridor, he facing Sir Humphrey in his gold silk robe and indigo pyjamas, still immersing in the unique mood of the aftershave.

‘In that case, my dear Bernard, with respect to the dilemma of your accommodation tonight, I may dare to say that, if you find the proposal acceptable, I have the means to offer a feasible solution...’, Sir Humphrey tilted his head, his smiling eyes glinting in the dark, ‘You can sleep with me, I suppose, if you don't mind... I don't snore either.’

Bernard could not breathe. He was sure that his heart was beating literally wilder than the train axles heaving. Did he hear what he thought he had heard? Sir Humphrey really invited him to... sleep together? !!!!!!!!! He did not know whether his face just turned red or pale, or shifting between the two colours constantly.

‘Don 't panic, Bernard. I' m merely suggesting that we share a room, rather than share a bed... ’. Sir Humphrey saw Bernard's shocked face, chuckling: ‘Follow me!’. He handed back Bernard's briefcase, turned around to walk away, leaving behind his forefinger ordering, ‘Come! ’, Bernard lowered his head and hurried up as commanded.

\-- -

‘Welcome! ’, When Sir Humphrey opened the door of his sleeper room, Bernard poked his head out from behind and came to realize why Sir Humphrey would invite him for the night. When delivering the speech files, he was too bewildered to notice that Sir Humphrey was staying in a double room. Different from the minister’s, this room did not have a washing basin or mirror but provided two narrow single beds by each side respectively. The space left in the middle is just enough for an adult man to stand. There were now two red boxes on one bed, and some papers scattering beside, which Sir Humphrey had been checking. ‘When I have no alternative but to travel by the sleeper, I tend to book a double room, which is, not so cosy, but more convenient to handle some work. I had got fresh up in Sir Frederick's room already, you can leave your luggage here first, and use the public restroom to wash up. Meanwhile, I could just put the papers away so that you can make your bed when you come back. You are fully aware that we both have to get up really early tomorrow morning, right, Bernard ?’

‘But, Sir Humphrey...’ although Bernard was breathing a sigh of relief to have a bed for the night, he could not help worrying about another important problem, ‘How could you reimburse the travel expenses when you occupy a double room all by yourself, I mean, with only one person?’. Sir Humphrey showed no surprise at the question, giving Bernard his typical smug, ‘I always made Graham fill the paperwork that he travels with me, giving him a few days off meanwhile, so others in ministry would assume the two of us were both on the trip. It is seldom that I really need to travel by sleeper train, so hardly anyone could ever noticed. Of course, you have to keep this secret as well.’ Sir Humphrey gently touched the end of Bernard's nose with his long index finger, and Bernard hastily nodded, aware of that he had another reason to envy Graham. Quietly taking out his toiletries bag, with a few words of apology and gratitude to his boss, Bernard left for the public restroom. Sir Humphrey eyed Bernard’s back, shaking his head slowly and heaving a deep sigh.

\-- -

'Can you keep a secret?' Sir Humphrey narrowing his dark brown feline eyes, lowering his voice, and leaned closer to Bernard, who’s been captured by the unique mood of aftershave again.

'Of course, I can.' Bernard said firmly.

'So can I.' Sir Humphrey's voice was even lower, so low that Bernard could hardly hear him. Unable to suppress the enchanting temptation any longer, he went up to kiss Sir Humphrey deeply...

‘Oh my God!’ Bernard woke up in a shock and eyes opened wide, ‘Thank God it’s just a dream.’ The moving train was still roaring by his ears, and the hard bed board is still slightly wobbling. The curtains were not drawn down so the faint moonlight was able to stream in. Bernard turned his head to the other side of the room, Sir Humphrey is sleeping soundly. Having a glance at his watch, the young man could vaguely discerned that it was 2:43 midnight. Staring at the ceiling of the carriage for a moment, then taking a long deep breath, finally, he sat up slowly without making any noise.

He was less than three feet away from his sleeping boss. He bent softly and knelt in front of the senior official, with all the cautiousness, succeeding in diminishing the space between them from three feet to three inches. In the moonlight, Sir Humphrey's body rises and falls gently and rhythmically with his breathing in and out. He had taken off his golden silk robe already, still in the indigo pyjamas. His right arm was lying out of the blanket, but the right hand along with the wrist that Bernard had felt was under the pillow, as if he was protecting some precious confidential document there. There were occasional flickers of light projected through the window. Capturing this once in a blue moon chance, Bernard contemplated the face of Sir Humphrey quietly, greedily and recklessly, as if he were admiring Raphael's paintings of Michelangelo's sculptures, or Shakespeare's sonnets, or Vivaldi's concertos... He attempted to identify how many grey hairs there were on Sir Humphrey’s temple, trying to recall whether the first one had appeared two or three years ago; He counted the old man’s crow’s-feet by the closed eyes, the number show no increase but the wrinkle lines seemed comparatively deeper? The bushy eyebrows were not at ease even when their master was asleep, eyelashes slightly quivered once for a while, perhaps in his dream he was still apprehensive about the coming unknown disturbances to the government; the mouth, uttering the fighting words oblivious to the fact whether the gist was right or wrong, show pure exhaustion without concealing...

‘Can you keep a secret?’ Bernard heard the question echoing in the darkness. He has been working in DAA for almost five years, and Sir Humphrey has always been nothing but gentle and strict with him. Every action should obey the rules and regulations; no paperwork could ever be omitted; everything had to be done for the stability of the government. Bernard’s master, the ministerial incumbent, was at first old fool MacIver and then succeeded by the callow Tom Sargent. Bernard always fulfilled his duty properly, still witnessed the previous one being pushed up to the House of Lords and the latter exiled into the opposition with his party. Meanwhile Sir Humphrey, almost routinely, had graded him fairly decent in his annual review, leaving Bernard nothing to complain. If there was ever any slight disappointment about their working relationship, it could be said that he felt that Sir Humphrey cherish his own wisdom too much to communicate with Bernard face to face. Back to the recruiting cocktail party, Jumbo advised Bernard to join DAA to grasp how to be the best civil servant by learning directly from Sir Humphrey, hence Bernard had been looking forward to be around Sir Humphrey all day long. However, all through the years, he had hardly any chance to speak more than 10 lines with his boss within a week. When Sir Humphrey suggested an appointment with the minister, it was mostly booked by Graham who would call Bernard, not a word from Sir Humphrey himself. Bernard’s best chance to witness (and adore) the talent of the ex-best debater in Oxford was at the meetings, during which Sir Humphrey would ‘advised’ the minister to make the ‘right decision’, and Bernard would dutifully record in shorthand how the minister got fooled without awareness. Occasionally, if Bernard is lucky, he could intercept the smug glances from Sir Humphrey when the odds are in the latter’s favour as if Bernard was allowed to share his little scheme. But the fact is, Bernard only learnt what had exactly happened no sooner than the minister, when Sir Humphrey completely got his way, which is, almost in all cases, the moment when the curtains have fallen. Bernard wondered why Sir Humphrey never gave him more opportunity to converse alone. Probably Sir Humphrey didn’t trust his ability or discreetness enough? Although Bernard received memos with requests/orders now and then -- slim note papers signed by H.A. and addressed to B.W. -- he treasured them as gems. How he wished that the receiver’s name on the memo could become ‘Dear Bernard’, and the signature could become ‘Yours ever Humphrey’, or even wilder, Humpy? ... It was too much to ask, for Bernard thought himself to be hopelessly obtuse. Last month, not long after the arrival of the present minister, Jim Hacker, Sir Humphrey invited Bernard to join in his conversation with Sir Arnold at the gentlemen’s club, and Bernard’s naive amateur replies cause some shame. Obviously, that was why Sir Humphrey would ask the question ‘Can you keep a secret?’ and then made an excuse for a phone call to leave...

‘Of course I can keep a secret.’ Bernard murmured, gazing at the sleeping Sir Humphrey again, uttering his voice with the greatest softness, ‘I have kept this secret for nearly 10 years, without ever mentioning to anyone... That's... I was incorrigibly in love with you since the first time I met you... And... this love only gets more intolerable and desperate as time goes by... ’

As a British gentleman, such intense affection should be buried in one’s heart and kept for a lifetime and, eventually, taken to the grave, right? ‘Maybe I am not a qualified British gentleman either .’ Bernard closed his eyes helplessly and held his breath. Slowly, in the aroma of the aftershave, Bernard approached Sir Humphrey and touched the senior’s lips with his own lips, very lightly, very shallow, very fast...

‘Perhaps that's enough.’ Bernard whispering, took one last glance at the still sleeping dreamer, crept back into his own bed...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea whether the double-room sleeper exists in British trains, my only experience with British trains are all seats (fairly cosy, if I may say so). Here in China, we have sleeper train carriages similar to the description which can accommodate 4 persons (2 double-deckers), that inspired me to fabricate this occasion for the plot.


	4. Never Took Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please drag down to view the English version of this Chapter.
> 
> This Chapter happens following the end of S1E2 and into the start of S1E3 'The Economy Drive', Sir Humphrey started to give Bernard lectures on how to be a good Civil Servant. The whole scene take place from Bernard's point of view, making one guess what exactly Sir Humphrey's been thinking about when teasing Bernard.
> 
> 火车偷吻之后，从爱丁堡回到了伦敦。大臣的节约行动开启，爵士开始给私人秘书开小灶，也许还带了点儿调戏？

Chapter 4 Never took place 中

去爱丁堡的火车上

“也许，这就足够了。” Bernard 这次的低语甚至没出声。他最后看了一眼依然沉睡的梦中人，蹑手蹑脚地回到了自己的床上……

“小懒虫，起床了～”在偷吻了 Sir Humphrey 之后，Bernard 居然出乎意料地很快睡着了。熟悉的声音把他唤醒，有些过分温柔了，让他一时以为是美梦的延续。天刚蒙蒙亮，但坐在自己身边的 Sir Humphrey 已经不再是睡衣打扮了，穿着他日常的白衬衣和日常的深灰色马甲，散发着日常的古龙水气息。啊…清晨醒来看到他，人生真美好。Bernard 若不是还没睡醒四肢无力，一定会直接坐起来抱住他，把他的衬衣揉皱了让他生气也没关系。

见“小懒虫”睁开了朦胧睡眼，Sir Humphrey 对他微笑了一下，站起来从架子上拿过领带。是那条深红色带白色小波点的，可以提亮肤色，尤其是在没休息好的日子里，这总是他的选择。此时，领带的主人望着窗外的晨光，开始打他日常的半温莎结。

Bernard 半睁着眼，视线从爵士的领口的喉结滑向了平坦的小腹，又移到穿好了日常西装裤的大长腿……但是日常的 Sir Humphrey 可不会叫他小懒虫！ Bernard 怨念自己没早点醒来，也许能看看“非日常”的爵士换衣服时的样子，看看手腕以外的地方绒毛是如何分布的？那些白晰修长的手指，批阅公文的时候难免因主人的深思熟虑而踟蹰，打领带时却毫不犹豫地灵巧穿梭， Bernard 不禁看呆了。“我希望你昨晚睡得不错， Bernard ，今天可是任务艰巨啊！” 整装待发的 Sir Humphrey 语调轻松，根本听不出他对接下来的谈判有任何担忧：“现在我得去看看 Sir Frederick 起床没，顺便照镜子整理发型，确认领带是否打正了。你也得赶紧起床了，下车时别忘了我的红箱子～” 爵士用调皮的眼神向 Bernard 示意了一下床上的两个红箱子，拿起外套和公文包，用日常的步伐走了出去。还留在被窝里的 Bernard ，喃喃地说：“您的领带打得十分完美……”

约一周后, 伦敦

下午5点15分。

Bernard 忐忑地敲了敲门。“请进！”，熟悉的声音传出来，他进门走到了窗前的办公桌边：“Sir Humphrey，您找我”。

“ Bernard…… ” DAA 的文官首领停下了手中的笔，故意停顿了几秒钟，看着对方的脸慢慢红了起来，才开口严厉地说：“大臣怎么知道我在下一次的授勋名单上？”

年轻人心想：“啊，果然逃不过”，低下了头小声说：“他……问我您为什么反对去苏格兰，我就回答了。然后，不小心回答得……过于充分了点……” 他怯生生地抬眼看向自己的上司，迎来了利剑一样的目光。

“你知道是过于充分就好，Bernard！” Humphrey 放下笔站起来，俩人的身高差虽然也不算太大，但也足以使下级感到来自上司的气场压迫，“你还跟大臣说过关于我的什么事？”

“呃……并没有太多，Sir Humphrey，就那些常规的……我告诉他您有牛津一等学位、以前是校队最佳辩手、家住黑索米尔、白羊座、喜欢盛装出席高级晚宴、喜欢听歌剧、看板球和养玫瑰花……” Bernard 的声音越来越弱，看着对方的神情从质询变成了惊讶。

“白羊座…… 玫瑰花……？！” Humphrey 简直被眼前的年轻人气笑了，无奈地摇摇头：“你从哪儿知道的这些……不过，更关键的是，你为什么会跟大臣说这些？！” 

“他……问起来……我……就说了” Bernard 也不知道上司的苦笑是福是祸，硬着头皮说下去：“他刚来时跟您聊完了没过多久就对我说：‘Sir Humphrey 果然是传说中的顶级文官啊，聪明又优雅，成熟有魅力。他到底是怎样的人呢？除了政府公开的简历上以外的内容’……我就说了那些。”

“就那些？！还有更多吗？”

“没有了，我想……我记得……没有了” Bernard 不敢抬头，盯着办公桌上文件抬头的 DAA Logo，光线的变化告诉他对方又慢慢坐了下来，“坐下，Bernard ”，于是他遵命了。

“我知道，你是大臣的首席私人秘书，我刚入职时也是，虽然那是20多年前的事了，但是我知道你同时面对两个上司的难处。” Sir Humphrey 的语气不再严厉，Bernard 怀疑是不是因为转述了大臣的称赞让他心情好了些，抬起了眼睛。

“作为他的秘书，固然你要对大臣负责，但你同时也是文官。文官的工作有一些基本原则，其中包括：1. 大臣没有问的问题，绝对不要回答。比如，大臣没有具体问过我的星座是什么，你就永远不要主动告诉他我是白羊座；2. 大臣的问题，如果你觉得必须回答，那也要有策略地回答。大臣问你我是怎样的人，你可以告诉他，我是英国人，我是牛津人，我是文官，我是常务秘书，最好再引用几句莎士比亚的名言或者拉丁文谚语… 总之，给他无害的答案。”

“可是，这些无害的答案都基本无用啊？” Bernard 已经忘记了自己似乎还在挨训，忍不住插嘴说。

“正是如此！” Sir Humphrey 赞许地举起食指挥舞了一下，顺势又站起来，Bernard 也连忙跟着站起来，认真地听着他的上司接着说：“对于大臣们来说，有用的东西都在红箱子里准备好了，任何无法在红箱子文件里找到答案的问题，都有可能带来意想不到的后果，极有可能是有害的……对部里、对政府、对大不列颠！” Sir Humphrey 的语气越来越重，说到最后还冲着 Bernard 瞪了瞪眼：“另外，Bernard，你知道你透露给大臣的这些关于我的事，最不该说的是什么吗？”

Bernard 摇摇头，Humphrey 叹了口气，说：“你告诉了大臣我喜欢什么，这就像授勋名单一样，其实是最致命的。”

“为什么？” Bernard 当然不理解。

“因为喜欢这种感情，是无逻辑的，非理性的，难以控制的——让人脆弱。被敌人知道了什么是我们所珍视的，就相当于暴露了我们的软肋，容易被利用、甚至威胁。” Sir Humphrey 咬牙切齿地说出最后一个词，Bernard 本来还想探讨一下把大臣称为“敌人”是否欠妥，但他忍住了。

“幸运的是，你提供的信息并不完全属实。” Sir Humphrey 嘴角一翘，Bernard 有点惊讶：“哪里不正确了？”，白羊座不可能错，生日是政府资料里有的；歌剧院和板球场他确实经常去啊，黑索米尔的玫瑰花园是 Graham 告诉他的，应该也不会错……

“等你知道了怎么搪塞大臣的问题时，我也许会告诉你。作为一个文官，搪塞是重要的技能，你应该好好练习一下。”

Bernard 点点头，心里颇为欣喜。虽然今天刚开始被斥责了几句，但是爵士又跟他私下交流了这么多当文官的要义，他终于可以开始跟最优秀的人学习了。自从从爱丁堡回来以后，Sir Humphrey 就经常单独把他叫到办公室来谈话，仿佛火车上那一夜产生了什么魔法，让他们之间的信任突然增加了？Bernard 看着站在窗边的背影，夕阳在他身上洒下一层薄薄的光晕，他看不到对方的表情，只能盯着他背在身后的手，那手腕上的袖扣若隐若现地反射着金属光泽……

“不许胡思乱想！要抓住机会赶紧好好表现一下才对！” Bernard 闭上眼睛勒令自己思考工作，一个完美的话题就脱口而出：“Sir Humphrey，我想有件事需要告知您。刚才您离开以后，大臣的政治顾问告诉他一个西北地区区长成功消减了 32,000,000 磅的开支……” 

“他告诉你是 32,000,000 磅？” 爵士并没有转身，冷冷地说。

“是的，Sir Humphrey，我震惊了！”

“我也是。”

“我们居然不知道，太不可思议了” Bernard 开始肯定这次汇报是个好主意，感觉这个话题让自己跟上司站在了一边，两个人一起震惊，似乎连职权造成的等级差距都被抹平了些。

然而，他的幻想立刻破灭了。“我早就知道了”，Sir Humphrey 转过身说，霞光照在他的脸上， Bernard 意识到自己又愚钝了。DAA 的所有高级秘书们都告诉过他：部里的事，甚至整个政府里的事，Sir Humphrey 无所不知，所以永远别想对他隐瞒什么。

但是 Sir Humphrey 显然对 Bernard 的汇报很满意，发现已经到了下班时间了，他提议来杯雪莉酒。Bernard 欣然同意，接过酒杯时，他很小心地不要碰到 Sir Humphrey 的手指。这么好的学习机会太难得了，自己一定要保持清醒的大脑，绝不能盯着上司深邃的褐色眼睛或者优雅的鼻梁犯傻。Sir Humphrey 带着他转移到了办公室里更舒适的对话区，继续上课。显然他已经不再因为 Bernard 之前跟大臣说太多话的事而生气了，坐在沙发里一手拿着酒杯一手打着手势，不屑地说着大臣们像走马灯一样来了又去，管理国家是文官的天职…时不时展现一个得意洋洋的微笑。Bernard 觉得自己没喝几口却有点儿晕了。

“有益的交谈，Bernard，记住这从未发生过。” 教学告一段落，Sir Humphrey 放下酒杯半认真地说。

“是的，当然没有。” Bernard 连连点头。

“就像你我在火车上的那一夜一样，从未发生过。” Sir Humphrey 又抿了一口雪莉酒，调皮的吐了吐舌头。

Bernard 差点呛酒，但是 Sir Humphrey 并无任何异样，又接着问起 Weasel 在干啥，Bernard 感觉自己的嘴巴在自动回答问题， 脑子已经无法工作了……

几分钟后，Bernard 从上司的办公室退到了外部办公室，心不在焉地跟 Sir Humphrey 的私人秘书 Graham 道了别，心绪却又平静了一点：“Sir Humphrey 说的一定是他一个人住双人间报销的事。他不会知道那个吻的，他不可能知道，就算他是无所不知的……” 

—English Version of this story—

On the train to Edinburgh

‘Perhaps that's enough.’ Bernard whispering took one last glance at the still sleeping dreamer, crept back into his bed...

After stealing a kiss from Sir Humphrey, Bernard unexpectedly fell asleep soon. ‘Wake up, sleepyhead” Hearing a familiar voice, too gently, and for a moment he thought it was a continuation of the dream. It was almost dawn, but Sir Humphrey sitting by him was not in pyjamas anymore, dressed in his daily white shirt and daily dark grey waistcoat, wearing daily cologne of another workday. Oh... Waking up in the morning and seeing him when opening one's eyes, life is wonderful. If only Bernard could just sit up and hug the senior tightly, risking the danger of crumpling the tailored shirt.

Seeing the ‘sleepyhead’ opening his eyes, Sir Humphrey smiled and stood up to take his tie from the shelf. The crimson one with small white dots was his choice, which could illuminate his face while he's fatigued, especially on days when he wasn't rested well. At this moment, the owner of the tie looked into the morning light, began to make his daily half-Windsor knot.

With still half-opened eyes, Bernard gazed his boss motionless, from the Adam's apple to the flat belly, and then the long legs in the trousers of his daily suit... But no ‘daily’ Sir Humphrey would ever call him a sleepyhead! Bernard resented himself for not having woken up earlier to see the "non-daily" Sir Humphrey, or he could witness the man changing and learnt how far the body hair went from his wrists. The slender fingers of the Permanent Secretary, usually hesitant for the master's deep thought when examining the government papers, now moved with dexterity with the silk tie. ‘I hope you had slept well, Bernard. It’ll be a long day!’ Sir Humphrey said softly: ‘Now I have to go and see if Sir Frederick is up, and look in his mirror to make sure my tie is straight. Don't forget my red boxes when you get out. ’ Gesturing to the bed, with a mischievous look, the man picked up his coat and briefcase, walked out in his daily stride. Bernard, still under the covers, muttered: ‘Your tie is perfect, Sir Humphrey.’

\---------

About a week later, London

5:15 p.m.

Bernard knocked at the door with trepidation. 'Come in, please’, he walked through the door to the desk by the window. ‘Sir Humphrey?’

"Bernard... ", the leader of 23,000 civil servants in DAA stopped writing, looked at the young man’s face turning red slowly. Then he said sternly: ‘how does the minister know I'm on the next honour list?’

‘Ah, there’s no escape!’ Bernard thought, lowering his head and whispered, ‘The minister... asked me why you were against going to Scotland, and I answered, accidentally... too much...’ he raised his eyes timidly to his superior and received a cold look.

‘I am glad to know that you are aware it’s too much, Bernard!’ Humphrey put down his pen and stood up. Although the height gap between them was not that large, it was enough to make the subordinate feel the pressure from his boss. ‘What else did you say to the minister about me?’

‘Er... Not much, Sir Humphrey, just the regular thing... I told him that you had a first-class degree from Oxford, that you were the best debater in university, that you lived in Haslemere, that you are an Aries, that you liked to dinner in Palace, that you enjoyed operas, cricket and roses...’ Bernard's voice became weaker and weaker, and Sir Humphrey’s expression shifted from inquiry to surprise.

‘Aries... Rose...? !’ Humphrey giggled at the sight of the young’s embarrassment, helplessly shook his head: ‘Where did you get the information..., more importantly, why did you tell the minister? !"

‘He... asked ... so, I...... answered’ Bernard was not sure whether his boss's smile is a blessing or a curse, said: "When he was new in the office, not long after talking with you for the first time, he said to me: 'Sir Humphrey is indeed the top civilian servant, right? intelligent, suave, elegant and charming. What kind of person is he? Apart from what’s written in government resumes... So I said all those things.’

‘ All those things? Is there any more?’

‘No, I don’t think... I can’t recall anymore’ Bernard did not dare to look up, but stared at the DAA Logo on the papers on the desk. He can sense from the change of light that his boss had slowly sat down again, "Sit down, Bernard," so he obeyed.

‘I know that you are the minister's principal private secretary, and I was the PPS when I joined the service too, although that was more than 20 years ago. However, I’m fully aware of your dilemma of having two bosses at the same time.’ Sir Humphrey's tone was no longer severe, so Bernard wondered whether it was the minister's compliment that soothe him.

‘As his PPS, you are, inevitably, responsible to the minister, but you are also a civil servant. There are some basic principles of a civilian servant, including 1. Never answer any question the minister didn’t ask. For example, the minister did not specifically ask me what my horoscope is, you should never take the initiative to tell him I am Aries; 2. If you feel inclined to answer the minister's question, do so tactfully. The minister asked you what kind of person I am, you could tell him, I am English, I am Oxford chap, I am a permanent secretary. You could even quote a few Shakespeare's quotation or Latin proverb to confuse his LSE mind... In summary, give him a harmless answer."

‘But the harmless answers are useless’ Bernard, oblivious of the fact that he was still being lessened, could not help interjecting.

'Precisly!’ Sir Humphrey waved his index finger approvingly, and stood up from the chair, Bernard also hurriedly stood up, carefully heeding to his boss’s following words, ‘for ministers, all useful information is packed in the red boxes, any information that is not in the red boxes could lead to an answer in the danger of unexpected consequences, most likely to be harmful... to the ministry, to the government, to Great Britain!’ Sir Humphrey emphasized the last word fiercely, then, said to Bernard with a stare: ‘ Apart from that, Bernard, do you realize that among all what you have disclosed to the minister about me, what is the last thing you should say?’

Bernard shook his head, Humphrey sighed, and said, ‘You told the minister what I like. It's as deadly as the n honour list. It’s fatal!’

"Why?" Bernard didn't understand.

‘Because, such affection is illogical, irrational, and uncontrollable -- it makes one vulnerable. To let the enemy know what we cherish is to expose our fragility to exploitation, even threat." Sir Humphrey gritted his teeth when uttering the last word. Bernard meant to suggest that whether it was improper to refer to the minister as an ‘enemy’ but he was wise enough to refrain.

‘Fortunately, your information is not entirely correct.’ Sir Humphrey smirked, Bernard a little surprised.

‘I will tell you someday when you’ve learnt how to be impertinent with the minister. As a civil servant, prevarication is an important skill and you should practice it."

Bernard nodded in delight. Though he had been reprimanded at the beginning, Sir Humphrey had showed him in person the guideline of being a civil servant; he could finally start to learn from the best. Ever since the return from Edinburgh, Sir Humphrey had often summoned him alone to his office to talk, as if something really special had taken place that night on the train, which magically increased their mutual trust? Bernard’s eyes locked at the senior’s back by the window, the sun on his body shedding a thin layer of halo. He could not see the man's expression, only stared at the hands folded behind; where the cufflinks were vaguely reflecting the sunlight...

‘No nonsense! Make the most of it!’ Bernard shouted to himself silently and ordered himself to think about work, and the perfect topic blurts out: ‘Sir Humphrey, I think there's something you need to know. Later today, the minister's political adviser told him that a northwest regional controller had successfully cut spending by 32 million pounds... ’

‘He told you it was 32 million pounds?’ Sir Humphrey did not turn around, said indifferently.

‘Yes, Sir Humphrey, I'm aghast!"

‘So was I.’

‘It's incredible we don't know about it.’ Bernard began to believe that this telling was a good idea. He felt that the topic had put him on the same side of his boss, almost reducing the hierarchy gap between them for a while. However, he was immediately disillusioned. 

‘I knew it,’ said Sir Humphrey, turning round, and the glow on his face made Bernard realize that he was being obtuse again. All the senior secretaries in DAA had told him that Sir Humphrey knew everything in the ministry, even in the government, so one could never hide anything from him.

But Sir Humphrey, apparently satisfied with Bernard's report, came to aware that it was late enough to for a glass of sherry. Bernard readily agreed, taking the glass, careful not to touch Sir Humphrey's finger. Such a great learning opportunity is so rare that one must keep a clear mind, and should never look into his boss's dark brown eyes or the bridge of his elegant nose. Sir Humphrey lead Bernard to the more comfortable conversation area in the office, continued his lessons. He was no longer irritated by Bernard’s words to the minister before, sitting on the sofa with a glass in one hand and gesticulating with the other hand. Sir Humphrey talked about ‘Ministers come and ministers go…’ arrogantly, almost disdainfully, with a smile of complacency or smug now and then. Bernard only a few sips but was started to feel a little dizzy.

‘Useful chat, Bernard, good job it never took place’ Sir Humphrey said, half-seriously, putting down his glass.

‘Yes. Yes, of course’ Bernard nodded repeatedly.

‘Just like the night we shared on the train, never took place’ Sir Humphrey takes another sip of sherry, and stuck his tongue at Bernard mischievously.

Bernard almost choked, but there was nothing usual with Sir Humphrey. He simply went on asking about what Weasel was up to, and Bernard’s mouth was uttering words automatically when his brain went blank.

A few minutes later, Bernard retreated to the private office of permanent secretary and nodded absent-mindedly to Graham (Sir Humphrey’s PSS) in a slightly more tranquil mood. The sight of Graham reminded him that his boss might be referring to the reimbursement scheme. 

‘He didn’t know about that kiss, he wouldn't, he couldn't, even if he knew everything...’ Bernard persuaded himself in mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried desperately to make the story goes on perfectly parallel to the timeline in the show, and obviously I was too naive to think it possible.
> 
> 刚开始敲键盘的时候我想努力制造一个跟剧情时间线完全一致的感情线，写起来发现好难啊……


	5. Not easily inflamed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter happens during S1E3 'The Economy Drive'  
Humphrey tells Jumbo the secret on the train, and he had an interesting bet with Bernard.
> 
> 节约运动期间，Humphrey 告诉了 Jumbo 一个秘密，还跟 Bernard 打了个有趣的赌。

文官都不易燃易爆

“Humpy～”，Jumbo 远远看到 Humphrey 走进了俱乐部的门就招呼他：“快来试试这棉花糖，Dick 刚从法国带回来的。” Humphrey 叫了杯加冰威士忌，准备暂时忘掉大臣关于削减公务员队伍的馊主意，享受一下下班后的轻松时光。

“Dick 这小子挺不错嘛，这趟替你带队去法国，顺利地完成了外交部的任务，没浪费你的栽培啊。看来你以后可以更加轻松了，哪天想去布鲁塞尔，也不用担心身后的外交部乱成一锅粥引发第三次世界大战了。” Humphrey 尝了个棉花糖，果然很不错。Jumbo 这样的老朋友当然知道他是甜食爱好者，居然连小一辈的 Richard Wharton（Dick 的大名）都知道带伴手礼孝敬他了，果然是个有眼力劲儿的年轻人，未来可期。

“我栽培后辈一向不遗余力，哪像我们尊敬的 Sir Humphrey，什么事都亲力亲为，连你的 high-flyer 小男孩也没学到点皮毛，差点害你连这次 KBE 名单都进不去？” Jumbo 本来就因为 Jim 冒出的鬼点子让他被迫跟着 Martin 去苏格兰折腾了一趟而不大高兴，后来又听说了 Humphrey 居然因为授勋的事情被 Jim 威胁了，忍不住揶揄老朋友两句。

“我这不是开始亡羊补牢了么？自从苏格兰回来以后就经常给他开小灶，他学得挺快的。”Humphrey 当然不会因为 Jumbo 的话生气：“再说，我是为了防止 David 的事重演啊。”虽说现在 David 的发展也还算顺利，但看着自己的门徒仕途徒增波折，Humphrey 总是不乐意的。他一直隐约担心 Arnold 当年惩戒 David 是防止他培养自己的嫡系部队，所以刚招来 Bernard 时也只是把他当做一个普通新人对待，并没有刻意培养。不过，David 被调职是大约五年的事了。现在新的执政党通过大选顺利上台，内阁里都是新面孔，但文官们依然保持稳定，政府顺利运转，Arnold 依然牢牢地掌握着一切，应该不会对 Humphrey 培养接班人太忌惮了，毕竟 Jumbo 对 Dick 的培养 Arnold 也都看在眼里，全无意见。他应该可以放心多教 Bernard 一些了，Humphrey想着，又吃了一口棉花糖，接着说：“再加上之前的大臣非常听话，似乎也没什么需要私人秘书配合的。现在可不一样了，我们的新大臣，尊敬的 James Hacker 先生，好奇心强、新点子多，我的确需要他的私人秘书更稳重一些。”

“我想确实有这个必要，Humpy，你得让你的男孩知道他到底应该站哪边。” Jumbo 一口一个“你的男孩”，Humphrey 也懒得反驳了，毕竟 Jumbo 块头不小但音量不大，又是对自己知根知底的人。“而且，你需要他对你的绝对忠诚，这可不是偶尔一起睡就可以保证的啊。” Jumbo 举起了酒杯，意味深长地看着 Humphrey。

“Jumbo！” Humphrey 这次终于谨慎地环顾了一下四周，压低了声音：“我说过了，我们火车上那一晚真的只是住在一间房，什么越界的事都没发生。” 

“上学时你也是这么跟我解释类似的事的……” Jumbo 抿了一口酒，大眼睛怀疑地看着 Humphrey，充满善意的好奇心。

“Come on，那都30年了……而且这并不是类似的事！” Humphrey 理亏地喝了口酒，见 Jumbo 的眼神还不依不挠，觉得自己吃了人家的嘴软，妥协地说：“好吧，我坦白……”，他又瞟了一眼周围，确定没人在偷听，调整了一下坐姿，挪到 Jumbo 的耳边说：“火车上的清晨，我趁他还没睡醒时，在他额头上轻轻亲了一下。” 说完，他靠回沙发里，一脸无辜的笑：“这真就是全部故事了，我用牛津绅士的名誉保证。”

Jumbo 看来对这个八卦很满足了，并没有一丝惊讶，看着老朋友的眼神里不带任何评价，也不再多问了。他拿出一根雪茄点上，转换了话题：“跟你的新大臣相处如何，Humpy？你把他的节约计划控制住了吗？”

————————————————

今天的会议又被 Sir Humphrey 完全控制，而大臣和 Weasel 却几乎完全没有察觉。Bernard 一边听着他们的交谈一边速记，包括 Sir Humphrey 关于不承认 MI6 的胡说八道以及雪貂没打预防针的笑话…… Sir Humphrey 前两天把头发修得更短了，显得更年轻了些。说起那一栋栋建筑，他不用看任何文件，仿佛所有的资料都在他的脑子里，仿佛他本来就是无所不知的。虽然 Bernard 知道这些资料是 Graham 和 Peter 等提前整理好的，但他依然惊叹于他上司的记忆力和口才。“我想女王的公仆都不容易被点燃吧，希望如此。” Sir Humphrey 又冷不防扔过来一个笑话，Bernard 忍不住咯咯笑了。

就像之前的多数会议一样，Sir Humphrey 似乎什么具体方案也没说，却有一个行动计划在会议中达成了。这显然是个馊点子，因为Weasel 居然大力支持，大臣也同意了。Bernard 真想不明白这一切是怎么又发生的，他捕捉到了 Sir Humphrey 那得意的笑容，他知道大臣八成又要倒霉了。他的良心还是有些小小的不安，虽说他也同意 Sir Humphrey 说的对，女王的文官们管理这个部门显然管理得非常好。但自己毕竟是大臣的秘书，而大臣的出发点也确实都是好的啊，至少看上去是好的，或者至少他认为是好的？

节约行动开始后的两天，部里一片混乱，而 Sir Humphrey 就基本没在部里出现过。Bernard 忙得脚不沾地，在部里和下院之间奔波，有时甚至还要去大臣的政党总部，这都超过他的职务内容了。

这天的下班时间已经过了，Bernard还在议会大厅准备往部里赶，抱着一堆文件要塞进大臣的红箱子。他努力让自己的脚步不要跑起来以至于显得过分慌乱而不像个绅士，但看看表他知道，不再快点的话大臣又要赶不上回家的火车了。就这么急匆匆地冲出了威斯敏斯特的大楼，他又不小心撞上了一个穿着大衣的人，脱口而出：“I am so sorry！”

“Oh，Bernard，” Sir Humphrey 和蔼地看着他，帮他捡起了落在地上的一份文件，说：“这一幕还真是似曾相识呢。”

Bernard 涨红了脸，说：“呃，Sir Humphrey，我得赶紧把这些文件带到部里交给大臣，现在大臣的私人秘书室只有我和 Mandy 两个人了，真的忙不过来。”

“Poor Bernard～” Sir Humphrey 笑着摇摇头：“我跟你打赌，你的这种忙乱会在一周之内结束的。”

“真的吗？”Bernard 有些不太相信：“可是大臣他很坚定啊，今天他还看着报纸对我说这一切都是值得的”

Sir Humphrey 扬起了眉毛，说：“我们拭目以待吧，赌注嘛……你可以先想想，明天告诉我。现在我也赶时间，Sir Arnold 等着我呢。” 说完，他拍了拍 Bernard 的肩膀，继续往 10 号的方向走去。Bernard 望着他的背影呆了两秒钟，回过了神，继续赶路。

—————————————————

“大臣，以防万一。如果局势动荡、吹灯拔蜡、就算一切陷入瘫痪，政府也得有个地方继续运行啊……” 入睡时，Bernard 想着 Sir Humphrey 前几天开会时对大臣说的话，迷迷糊糊间，天下大乱的景象出现在他的眼前。整个城市好像被轰炸过了，到处都是断瓦残垣和无助的人们。他看到自己在废墟中跟 Elsa 拥抱告别，然后走向比肯斯菲尔德街，走进了那有三层钢筋混凝土的地下室里。这儿就像他看过的黑白电影里的防空洞一样，所有的人都灰头土脸，有的人顶着防弹头盔，有的人戴着防毒面具，不少人还缠着绷带……只有 Sir Humphrey，白衬衣上没有一点灰尘、西装上没有一点褶皱、卷发都没有一根杂乱的。他仍如平日在 DAA 时一样淡定优雅，拿着文件指指点点，给慌乱的大臣们和首相提建议……

第二天醒来，Bernard 还隐约记得这个梦，他都不知道这算是美梦还是噩梦？他又想起了Sir Humphrey 说的赌局。即使梦里，他的上司也是工作时衣冠楚楚的样子，他有些想念 “非日常”的 Sir Humphrey 了。他知道他的上司在绝大多数时候都是对的，但还是不想放过这个制造“非日常”机会。早上一到办公室，他就给 Sir Humphrey 提交了一份备忘录，里面写了他的赌注。他知道他提出的并不是什么意料之中的要求，但是他的上司一向如此骄傲自信，应该完全不相信自己会输，轻易答应了他也是很有可能的。

果然，中午他收到了回复，除了抬头的 B.W. 和落款的 H.A.，正文只有一个词：一言为定。

Sir Humphrey 在下班前整理文件，翻到了那份标注了“本人亲启”的备忘录，他又打开来看了一遍：

“Sir Humphrey，  
鉴于您之前提及的赌局一事，我冒昧的提议是：如果我赢了，您与我一起去看一场足球赛。如果您赢了，我请您去吃一顿高级午餐。  
B.W.”

抑制不住的嘴角上扬，Humphrey 自言自语道：“Silly boy……”

\----English Version of the story---

Chapter 5  
Not easily inflamed

‘Humpy!’ Jumbo saw Humphrey walking through the door of the club, ‘Come and try these marshmallows. Dick just brought it back from France.’ Humphrey asked a glass of whiskey on the rocks, ready to forget the Minister’s stupid idea about sliming down the civil service for a moment and enjoy some relaxation.

‘ I’ve heard that Dick has done a jolly good job. He led your Foreign and Commonwealth Office team on this France trip and completed the mission immaculately. Not a single bit of your mentoring is wasted. So you can go to Brussels anytime without worrying that the FCO will be messed up and trigger world war iii.’ Humphrey tried a marshmallow. It was dainty. An old friend like Jumbo, of course, knew that he was a sweet tooth. Now even a junior like Richard Wharton (Dick's full name) knew how to please him with a small gift. Another high-flyer, definitely.

‘I have always spared no effort to mentor the younger promising officials, unlike our respected Sir Humphrey, who does everything by himself. Consequently, not even your high-flyer little boy has learnt anything; even almost backfire you in this KBE list nonsense’ Jumbo was not very pleased about Jim's idea, which made him go to Scotland with Martin (Foreign Secretary) inevitably. No need to mention his shock when he heard that Jim had threatened Humphrey with the honour list. Jumbo could not help mocking his old friend slightly.

‘I’ve started fixing it, haven’t I? I’ve given him several private lessons since back from Scotland. He's a fast-learner, and he has a good mentor.’ Humphrey certainly wouldn't be easily crossed by Jumbo, ‘besides, I haven’t forgotten what happened to David.’ (About David, see the note1 at the end)’ Even though David’s career finally took a turn for the better now, Humphrey was still never pleased that one of his highly-thought secretary had been moved down by Arnold. He had always been vaguely worried that the reason Arnold punished David was to stop him any ‘jobs for the boys’ idea in the service. So when he recruited Bernard at first, he just treated him as an ordinary newcomer and did not cultivate him deliberately. However, David was banished about five years ago. Now the new Party has come to power through the general election, as well as all the new faces in the cabinet, but the civil servants are still stable as always, so the government runs smoothly. Arnold is still firmly in control of everything, so he should not be threatened by Humphrey training his apprentice anymore. After all, Arnold has no opinion that Jumbo sees Dick as his successor, and has no opinion at all. Humphrey thought, taking another bite of the marshmallow. ‘Additionally,’ he said, ‘the last Minister was perfectly house-trained and behaved as advised. Now our new Minister, the honourable James Hacker, is curious and full of novel ideas, so I should need his PPS to be more sound.’

‘I agree it's really necessary, Humpy, to let your boy know which side he's supposed to be on.’ Jumbo called Bernard ‘your boy’ again and Humphrey was too lazy to refute. After all, Jumbo was a discreet man who knew him well. ‘And you need his absolute loyalty, which isn't guaranteed just by sleeping together once in a while.’ Jumbo raised his glass and looked meaningfully at Humphrey.

‘Jumbo!’ Humphrey looked around cautiously this time and lowered his voice. ‘I’ve told you, all we did was staying in one room on the train. Nothing crossed the line.’

‘That's how you explained similar things to me at college...’ Jumbo took a sip of the wine and looked at Humphrey with wide-eyed incredulity, full of good-will curiosity.

‘Come on, that's more than 30 years ago... And it's not a similar thing!’ Humphrey humbly took a sip of wine. Seeing Jumbo's eyes still unyielding, he said in a compromise: ‘Well, I have a tiny little confession to make…’ He glanced around again to make sure no one was listening, adjusted his seat, and moved to Jumbo's ear to say in a really low voice: ‘ On the train, the next morning, I kissed the boy on the forehead when he’s still sleeping.’ Then he leaned back in the sofa, smiling innocently. ‘That's the whole story, on the honour of an Oxford gentleman.’

Jumbo seemed content with the story, unsurprised, eyeing his old friend without judgement, and asked no more questions. He took out a cigar, lit it and changed the subject: ‘How are you getting on with your Minister, Humpy? Got this economizing nonsense under control?’

Today's conference was fully dominated by Sir Humphrey again, without the Minister and Weasel aware of it. Bernard took shorthand while listening to their conversation, including Sir Humphrey's nonsense about not admitting MI6 and vetted ferret jokes... Sir Humphrey had his hair cut shorter the other day, making him look younger. Speaking of the DAA buildings, he did not have to browse any files, as if all the information had been stored in his head, as if he knew everything. Although Bernard knew that these documents had been compiled in advance by Graham and Peter, he was still amazed by his boss's memory and eloquence. ‘Perhaps because Her Majesty’s Civil Servants are not easily inflamed, I hope so.’ Bernard chuckled at another joke thrown by Sir Humphrey.

As in most previous meetings, Sir Humphrey had said nothing specific, but an action plan was agreed upon. This was a bad idea, because Weasel supported it strongly, and the Minister approved it. Bernard did not understand how all this happened again, he caught Sir Humphrey that triumphant smile, he knew that the Minister is likely to have bad luck. His conscience was still slightly troubled, though he agreed with Sir Humphrey that the Queen's civil servants had run the department remarkably well and he too loathed tremendous changes. But he was the PPS of the Minister, and the Minister's intentions were really good, at least they seemed good, or at least they thought they were good?

Two days since the start of the Economy Drive, the DAA was in disarray, and Sir Humphrey was barely there. Bernard was far too busy running errands between the Whitehall and the House of Commons, sometimes even to the Minister's Party Headquarters.

It’s almost the end of the day and Bernard was still in the Hall of Parliament, ready to rush to Whitehall, carrying a pile of papers ready to be put into the Minister's red boxes. He tried not to run too fast that too flustered to be a gentleman, but having a glance at his watch he realized that if he did not hurry the Minister would miss the train back home again. Dashing out of the building, he bumped into a man in coat and blurted out: ‘I am so sorry!’

‘Oh, Bernard,’ said Sir Humphrey, looking at him amicably and helping him pick up a file that had fallen to the ground, ‘I have a strong sense of deja vu.’ (See note2 at the end)

Bernard blushed and said, ‘Well, Sir Humphrey, I must send these papers to the Minister. Mandy and I are the only two people working in the private office now and everything is in chaos.’

‘Poor Bernard ~’ Sir Humphrey shook his head with a smile. ‘I bet you, this fuss will be over in a week.’

‘Really?’ Bernard asked, a little incredulous, ‘but the Minister is very keen on it. This morning he read the newspaper and told me it was all worth it.’

Sir Humphrey raised his eyebrows and said: ‘We shall see, the stakes... You can think about it and let me know tomorrow. Now I am in a hurry too. Sir Arnold is waiting for me.’ With that, he patted Bernard on the shoulder and continued walking in the direction to No.10. Bernard stared at his leaving figure for two seconds, then recovered his composure and went on his way.

‘If and when, you know what, Minister. When the chips are down and the balloons are up and the lights go out, there has to be somewhere to carry on the government even if everything else stopped... ’ When he fell asleep, Bernard was thinking about what Sir Humphrey said during the meeting a few days ago, then he had a dream. It was as if the whole city had been bombed, full of rubble and helpless people. He saw himself hugging Elsa in the wasteland, then walked toward Beaconsfield Street and went down into the three-story concrete basement. It was like the bomb shelter he had seen in black and white movies. Everyone was in ashes. Some were wearing bulletproof helmets, others were wearing gas masks, and many were wearing bandages... Only Sir Humphrey, no dust on his white shirt, no wrinkles on his suit, no single messy curl in his hairs. He was as poised and elegant as ever in the DAA, pointing at papers with a pen and advising flustered Ministers and the Prime Minister...

The next morning, Bernard still dimly remembered the dream, he could not tell whether it was a sweet dream or a nightmare? He remembered the bet with Sir Humphrey now. Even in his dreams, his boss was as shiny as at work, and he missed the ‘non-daily’ Sir Humphrey on the train. He knew that his boss was always right most of the time, but he didn't want to let go of such an opportunity to create something out of the ordinary, the ‘non-daily’. As soon as he arrived at the office, he submitted Sir Humphrey a memo about the bets. He knew perfectly well that he was not asking for what the senior might expect, but his boss was so proud and confident that he would not believe in any chance he was to lose, so he might have agreed in any case.

Sure enough, at noon he received a reply, except for ‘to B.W.’ and the signed H.A., there was only one word in the text: Done. 

Before leaving work, Sir Humphrey sorted out the files and picked up the memo marked ‘personal’, he opened it again and reread:

‘Sir Humphrey,  
In view of the bet you mentioned earlier, I take the liberty of proposing that, if I win, you shall go to watch a football match with me. If you win, I will treat you to a fancy lunch.  
B.W.’

The corner of his mouth lifted, Humphrey said to himself: ‘Silly boy...’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. David. David was the previous Minister's principal private secretary in DAA. When Bernard joined the service, Humphrey wanted to make Bernard his principal private secretary, therefore he made a scheme to promote Norman, his PPS at that time, so to make the job vacancy for Bernard. Sir Arnold, who had a secret crush on Humphrey all the years, came to realized that Humphrey had a special feeling for Bernard. So to keep some distance between them, Arnold made Bernard the Minister's PPS rather than Humphrey's and found an excuse to move David to the Ministry of Sports. (the story was in Chapter 2). Humphrey never really knew why Arnold did this.
> 
> 2\. deja vu. When Bernard and Humphrey met about 10 years ago in Oxford, Bernard bumped into Jumbo and his books fell, Humphrey helped to pick up a book and handed it to Bernard. Plato's Utopia. That was the exact moment of 'love at first sight'. But neither of them knew that. (the story was in Chapter 1)


	6. Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 圣诞节的小浪漫。  
A little romance for Christmas.
> 
> Please drag down to view the English version of the story.

圣诞节

Jim Hacker 的节约行动，始于12月15日，终于12月24日。

12月24日 午餐时间

“我听说你的大臣在法国大使馆出丑了”， Jumbo 一边切牛排一边说。

“Alas，是啊。” Humphrey 无奈地回答。

“你为什么听起来不太高兴？ Humpy，这不是正合你意吗？可以给他的节约行动画上句号了。 ” Jumbo 说着，并没有停下手里的刀叉。

“比我设想得晚了点儿，早上我终于成功让他放弃这次节约行动了，但是今天已经24号了” Humphrey 喝了一口红酒，说： “我和那小子打赌大臣撑不过一个星期的，谁知道他居然连法国大使馆的圣诞晚宴这种场合都可以不顾及形象，不知是我高估了他的虚荣心还是低估了他的愚蠢，八成是后者。 ”

“啊，对，你们的赌约，我都忘了。所以，现在你不仅不能跟你的男孩去吃大餐了，而且还得去看足球。你是不是二三十年没看过足球了？我真想去当电灯泡，看看尊敬的 Sir Humphrey 在足球场看台上被嚎叫的足球流氓包围的样子……” Jumbo 把一大块牛排塞进嘴里，幸灾乐祸地笑着。

Humphrey 闷头吃着自己的小羊排，没有说话。

“然而，Humpy，这依然是个约会，不是吗？ ” Jumbo 终于停下了手上处理食物的动作，认真地看着 Humphrey 说： “ 你让他随便提议一个赌注，他选什么都可以，但是他选择了跟你约会。而且无论这个赌局谁输谁赢，他都能跟你约会。不得不说，你的high flyer 确实很聪明，而且你的魅力完全不减当年，甚至可以说，有增无减～”

Humphrey 听了这话，若有所思地拿起酒杯，眯起眼睛认真起观察杯里的酒。

Jumbo 笑了笑，继续专心吃牛排去了。

——————

DAA 的圣诞派对对对部里的文官们而言一向是一个尴尬的场合。现任大臣 Jim Hacker 的酒量就像他的前任一样差，总是还没几杯下肚就开始连话都说不清楚了。秘书们碍于上司们在场，也不可能放松到哪里去。 主要是 Sir Humphrey 永远使他们紧张，大臣反正很快就醉了可以忽略不计。 终于，大臣含糊不清地说了圣诞贺词， Sir Humphrey 也补充了个不下100个词的句子后，大家开始在屋里随意走动，低声交谈，碰杯喝酒，都盘算着大概什么时候可以不失礼貌地告辞。

Bernard 今年格外紧张，因为他还有一个小计划要实施。整个派对期间他都偷偷留意 Sir Humphrey 在哪儿，好几次目光不小心遇上，爵士带笑的眼睛又让他脸红心跳，只能再灌两口酒，结果脸更烫了。终于，大臣眼看着都走不了直线了，被夫人拽着跟大家告别， Sir Humphrey 也紧接着说自己该走了要赶去黑索密尔的末班火车，再次祝大家圣诞快乐。

Bernard 赶紧跟 Graham 和 Mandy等要好的同事道别，跟着上司离开了办公室。

典型的伦敦的冬夜，又阴又冷。 Bernard 快步走到大街上，没几步就追到了爵士身边： “Sir Humphrey” 他的话在夜空中变成了一片欢快的白雾。

“Bernard” Humphrey 减慢了脚步，看着年轻人： “今晚真冷啊！ ”

“呃，是的，很冷， Sir Humphrey” Bernard 不知道该如何进入正题，只得重复上司的话。

“不知道会不会下雪，听说有低气压气流前锋会带来降水……” Humphrey 说着，噗嗤笑起来，看着 Bernard 说： “我想，你也不比我更知道，低气压气流前锋到底是什么”

Bernard 也笑了，把手伸进公文包里，拿出来一个拳头大的方盒子，包着红蓝纹的彩纸。 “Sir Humphrey，圣诞快乐！ ” 他把盒子递给了爵士。

Humphrey 有些惊讶，高兴地接过礼物。 “圣诞礼物？！对不起， Bernard，可是你得原谅我，我并没有给你准备圣诞礼物。你知道，我从来不跟部里的人交换礼物，怕给大家带来不必要的压力。 ”

俩人都暂时停下了脚步， Humphrey 摘下手套，拆开了包装纸，打开了小盒子，是一条丝质领带，暗红色底上绣了金色的玫瑰花纹饰，颇为华丽。 “哦， Bernard，我不知该说什么好了……”

“我知道您的审美一定比我更好，但是看到这条领带时，我想……虽然跟您的日常风格不太一样，但是您系上一定很好看。 ” Bernard 把快到嘴边的“您穿什么都好看”咽了回去。

“谢谢你， Bernard” 爵士真诚地看着年轻人的大眼睛说： “非常漂亮，这是很棒的圣诞礼物，我很感动” 说着，他把礼物小心地收进了包里。

“不客气， Sir Humphrey，您教了我很多，尤其是今年，我特别感谢您。 ” Bernard 害羞地低下了头，下意识地用冰冷的手去捂住了自己热乎乎的脸。

“你的手套呢， Bernard？ ”

“好像……忘在办公室了” Bernard 记起了，自己为了把礼物藏在公文包里，把手套拿出来之后忘记塞回去了。

“拿着！ ” Sir Humphrey 把自己的手套递了一只给 Bernard： “戴在右手上。 ” 爵士一边看着年轻人顺从地戴上了自己的小羊皮手套，一边把另一只手套戴在了自己的左手上，环顾了一下周围。街上人很少，偶尔出现的行人也都行色匆匆地要赶回家过圣诞节，没有人会注意到两个穿着深色大衣走夜路的男人。于是爵士用自己的右手拉过 Bernard 的左手，一把塞进了自己的大衣口袋里，十指紧扣：“走吧，咱们还得赶火车呢。”

Bernard 感受着 Sir Humphrey 手心的柔软和温暖，心中有无数礼花在夜空中燃放， “这是最棒的圣诞礼物了” 他甜蜜地想。

———English Version of the story———

** Chapter6 Christmas **

The Right Honorable Jim Hacker's Economy Drive began on December 15th and ended on December 24th.

December, 24th. Lunch time.

‘I’ve heard that your Minister made a fool of himself at the French embassy,’ Jumbo said as he cut the steak.

‘Alas, yes,’ Humphrey said helplessly.

‘Why do you sound unhappy? Humpy, isn't it what you want? to put an end to his economizing nonsense.’ Said Jumbo, without stopping his knife and fork.

‘But a little later than I preferred. Yes, I managed to make him give up this farce this morning, but it’s already the 24th today.’ Humphrey took a sip of claret, said: ‘I bet that boy the Minister couldn’t last longer than a week. Who could imagine that he even didn’t care about such a serious occasion as the French embassy Christmas dinner? I wonder whether I have overestimated his vanity or underestimated his stupidity, more probably the latter. ’

‘Oh, yes, I forgot about your bet. So now, not only can't you go to the romantic candlelight dinner with your boy, but also you have to watch football, live! When was the last time you’ve been to a football playground, Humpy, 20 or 30 years ago? I'd love to be a third wheel and see the distinguished Sir Humphrey surrounded by howling hooligans in the stands of a football stadium...’ Jumbo stuffed a large steak into his mouth and smiled gloatingly.

Humphrey kept eating his lamb chops in silence.

‘But Humpy, it is still a date, isn't it?’ , Jumbo finally stopped his food processing for a second, looked seriously at Humphrey and said, ‘You gave him a chance to gain something through this bet. He could have chosen anything, but he chose to have a date with you. And he can date you no matter who wins. I have to say, your high flyer is very smart indeed, and your charm has not diminished at all, as time goes by.’

Humphrey picked up the wine glass thoughtfully, squinting.

Jumbo smiled and went back to his steak.

\-- -- --

The DAA's Christmas party has always been an embarrassing occasion for the civil servants in the ministry. Jim Hacker, the current Minister, is as lousy a drinker as his predecessors, if not worse. Without having much alcohol, he already began to lose his tongue. Thought it was supposed to be a party, it’s unlikely for anyone to relax much in the presence of their two bosses, well, mostly Sir Humphrey, who always made them nervous. The Minister could be ignored anyway cause within half an hour he would have lost consciousness. Routinely, the Minister mumbled his Christmas message and Sir Humphrey added no fewer than a hundred words, then everyone began to wonder about the room, whispering, clinking wine glasses, and wondering when they might be able to leave politely.

Bernard was particularly nervous this year because he had a small plan to carry out. During the party, he kept an eye on Sir Humphrey all the time. Several times, their eyes locked by accident, and the smiling eyes of the senior’s made him blushed with faster heartbeat. Finally, the Minister could hardly walk by himself and was dragged out by Mrs Hacker to head home, waving goodbye unsteadily to everyone. Sir Humphrey immediately indicated that he should leave to catch the last train to Haslemere, wishing everyone a Merry Christmas one more time.

Bernard quickly said goodbye to colleagues like Graham and Mandy, left the office to catch up with his boss.

It was a typical winter night in London. Freezing and gloomy. Bernard hurried out into the street, and within a few steps, he and the Permanent Secretary were side by side. ‘Sir Humphrey’, the words uttered from his mouth turned into a cheerful white mist hopping in the cheerless night air.

‘Bernard.’ Humphrey slowed down and eyed the young man with a warm look. ‘It's cold tonight!’

‘Er, yes, it is cold indeed, Sir Humphrey.’ Bernard never knew how to get to the point and could only repeat after his boss.

‘One wonders whether it is going to snow. The forecast had reported something like a low-pressure weather front likely to bring rainfall...’ Humphrey said, chuckling, tilted his head to Bernard and said,‘ I dare to conjecture that you know no more than I do what a low-pressure weather front is.’

Bernard smiled coyly. He reached into his briefcase and pulled out a small cubic box, wrapped in red and blue gift package. ‘Merry Christmas, Sir Humphrey!’ He handed the gift to his boss.

Humphrey was pleasantly surprised. ‘A Christmas present? ! I'm sorry, Bernard, but you have to forgive me for not getting you anything in return. You know, I never exchanged gifts with people from the ministry, for fear of putting unnecessary pressure on others.’

Both men stopped their steps. Humphrey took off his gloves, unwrapped and opened the box. It was a silk tie, with ornate gold roses embroidered on crimson base. ‘Oh, my dear Bernard, I don't know what to say... ’

‘I know your taste is definitely better than mine, but when I saw this tie, I thought... though despite the fact that it's not your daily fashion style, it must look good on you, I imagine, Sir Humphrey .’ Bernard swallowed back the words:‘Anything would look good on you, Sir Humphrey.’

‘Thank you, Bernard, thank you so much’. said Humphrey, looking earnestly into the young man's eyes. ‘It’s very beautiful. I'm deeply touched.’, then he put away the small box with great care.

‘You're most welcome, Sir Humphrey. You've taught me so much, especially this year.’ Bernard lowered his head shyly and unconsciously covered his burning face with his frozen hands.

‘Where are your gloves, Bernard? ’

‘They are... I left them in the office.’ Bernard remembered now that he had some difficulties in hiding the gift in his briefcase, so he took out his gloves and forgot to put them back in.

‘Here! ’Sir Humphrey handed Bernard one of his gloves, ‘Put it on, right hand.’ As he watched the young man obediently follow his order, the Permanent Secretary put the other glove on his left hand and glanced around. 

It’s Christmas Eve, few people were on the streets, and the occasional passer-by was hurrying home for Christmas. No one would notice two men in dark coats walking under the streetlights. 

Then, Sir Humphrey took Bernard's left hand with his own right hand and slipped both their hands into his coat pocket, fingers intertwined. ‘Come on, we still have a train to catch.’

‘The BEST Christmas present ever!’, feeling the softness and warmth of Sir Humphrey’s hand, Bernard thought sweetly, fantasizing fireworks set off in the night sky inside his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, they didn’t spend the Christmas Eve together.  
They arrived at the train station and got on different trains respectively.  
(Sorry, I love long foreplay.)


	7. Yes and No

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **UPDATED:** _Check the end of the Chapter to enjoy the BONUS: FanArt by LRRH of a Sir Humphrey in this story!_  
How fortunate we are to have you in such a small fandom!
> 
> Football game! and more...  
This Chapter happened during ‘the Writing on the wall’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please drag down to view the English version of this story.

新年的开始一点也不令人愉快，至少不令 Bernard 愉快。圣诞节的浪漫小插曲似乎并没有留下什么痕迹。Sir Humphrey 还从没戴过那条领带，工作中对他的态度也没有明显的变化，如果有，那似乎是更严厉了，不过引起这个变化的原因应该是大臣而非其他人。

大臣在数据库的事情上把 Sir Humphrey 将了一军，而且还是 Bernard 无心的话引发了在电视上先斩后奏的灵感，再加上不知从哪里搞到的归档了的旧方案，居然让永远巧舌如簧的 Sir Humphrey 哑口无言。虽然对常务秘书而言，损失似乎只是几次睡眠而已（最近红色领带的出现频率明显有些高），但爵士显然对于这次“失败”非常在意。老板整天黑着脸，DAA 的所有文官就都没有好日子过了。Sir Humphrey 显然最近对下属工作的更挑剔了 ，许多以往不太过问的事也开始锱铢必较，这让部里的高级秘书们都觉得如履薄冰。

这天午饭时连 Graham 都难得地抱怨了两句，Bernard 心想你可不知我有多羡慕你，天天可以跟 Sir Humphrey 粘在一起，苦笑了一下没有说话。  
“对了，Bernard 你听说了么？最新消息，David 要离开体育部去就业部了，看来他的流放史结束了。”  
“哦，是吗？真是个好消息！” Bernard 刚入职时就曾经跟这位自己的前任取经，当时就意外地发现他们都喜欢足球。虽然并不是同一个球队的球迷，但因 David 在体育部可以轻松搞到各种热门比赛的球票，而白厅爱看足球的人又实在太少，两人遍偶尔结伴去看球，也保持了不错的私交。Bernard 想起了自己还没兑现的赌约，心想得赶紧约 David 一起吃个饭了。

——————

“Yes and no, Sir Humphrey” 话一出口，Bernard 被自己的措辞吓了一跳，他居然在 Sir Humphrey 的俱乐部里对他说出了对方搪塞大臣时最爱说的话。而且似乎舌头不受控地越说越过分了，直接让眼前的上司去问另一位上司。果然，爵士脸上耐心的微笑消失了，眼神变得十分吓人，语气里的威胁成分也越来越明显，自顾自要了一杯酒，举起报纸把他冷在那里。本来看到 Sir Humphrey 的备忘录让他晚上到俱乐部来见他时，Bernard 还挺高兴有个合适的场合聊一下公事以外的话题，没料到自己两句话就得罪了上司，眼看就要被发配到体育部去了……

“一定是刚才跟 David 成功要到球票了兴奋过度。” Bernard 想，David 显然是个合格的私人秘书，当 Bernard 表示不愿意透露跟谁去，他只是露出了一幅“我懂”的表情就不再追问了。

“Sir Humphrey，我能请教您一个假设的问题么？” Bernard 吞吞吐吐地问。  
“这总是个好办法。” 爵士脸上的笑容回来了。  
谢天谢地，危机解除。Bernard 成功地在没有违背他的职业良心的情况下，让他的另一位老板也得到了满意的答案。  
“来一杯吧，Bernard。” 爵士调皮地吐了下舌头。  
Bernard 羞涩地低下头，笑得快合不拢嘴了，都怪 Sir Humphrey 的吐舌头太犯规了。终于，加冰威士忌入口之后，他鼓起了勇气。  
“Sir Humphrey，您还记得，去年圣诞节前，咱们打赌的事吗？”  
“当然，Bernard”  
“呃，我想问，您两周后有空吗？具体地说是，下下个周六。那天的球赛我搞到了球票……”  
Sir Humphrey 扬起眉毛，说：“愿赌服输，你说了算。”  
Bernard 再也忍不住咧嘴笑了，连忙拿起酒杯又喝了一大口来让自己冷静。  
Sir Humphrey 笑着看了看他，没再说什么，继续懒洋洋地看报纸去了。

————

接下来的两个星期对 DAA 来说更加灰暗。如果说前两周的 Big Brother 事件只是让 Sir Humphrey 一个人火大而已，那么此刻要废部的传闻可让全员从大臣到打字员的都成了热锅上的蚂蚁，大家都提心吊胆怕被发配到斯旺西。幸运的是，Sir Humphrey 建议大臣动用后座议员，外长 Martin 又透露了拿破仑奖，尊敬的 Jim Hacker 灵光乍现将了首相的军，DAA 保住了。

只有自己，Bernard 愧疚的想，从头到尾没出过任何有用的点子，大臣都对他说要么闭嘴要么滚了……

无论如何，危机解除了！首相办公室的备忘录果然分发到了部里，Sir Humphrey 神采飞扬地挥舞着那张纸拿到大臣的办公室里来宣读。大臣兴高采烈地听了直接走向了酒柜，给两位秘书各倒了一杯，又给自己来了一杯加倍份量的。

“敬 DAA ！” 大臣说。  
“敬团队！” Sir Humphrey 说。  
“敬我们！” Bernard 在心里说。  
“干杯！”

Jim 这次难得地想到先跟夫人报告好消息，只喝了一杯就叫司机快送自己回家。Sir Humphrey 也对 Bernard 说可以回去好好过周末了，就此告别走回自己的办公室。  
“呃，Sir Humphrey？” Bernard 想起了重要的事，忙跟了过去。  
“什么事，Bernard ？” Sir Humphrey 一边收拾自己的公文包一边说。  
“明天……下午……我们怎么碰头？”  
“明天……不是星期六吗？哦，对，足球！” Sir Humphrey 看来被废部的事搞得焦头烂额了，把球赛的事忘了，“几点？在哪儿？更重要的是，我该穿什么？”  
“比赛5点开始，球场离白厅挺近的，从这里开车过去一会儿就到了。我可以开车去黑索米尔接您，Sir Humphrey” Bernard 其实很忐忑，自己的二手车会不会被 Sir Humphrey 嫌弃。  
“不用了，我自己开车来吧。你还没告诉我衣着规则呢。” 完美的形象是常务秘书永远的关注点。  
自己的破车果然被嫌弃了，Bernard 撇了撇嘴。“ 我会穿球队的队服和夹克。您随便穿，蓝色的更好。”  
“蓝色的，就像这件衬衣么？” Sir Humphrey 是真的对足球场该穿什么一无所知，他更希望 Bernard 是邀请他去看温布顿网球公开赛，毕竟衣柜里那一身为了某次皇家花园宴会准备的纯白色高定行头他也难得有其他机会展示。  
Bernard 看了看上司今天穿的浅蓝色高级衬衣，心想这跟我想的蓝色有点儿不大一样，差点脱口而出“Yes and no”，但还是笑着说：“您穿什么都行，Sir Humphrey，除了大红色。”  
“好的，那我明天大概4点半到，咱们部里碰头一起去？” Sir Humphrey 拿着公文包走向门口，回头扬眉一笑。  
“完美，Sir Humphrey！”

——————

“完美…真的完美…” 球赛结束后约 2 小时，被上司送到自家公寓楼下后告别。Bernard 看着那辆靛蓝的捷豹扬长而去。

当这辆车下午四点半出现在白厅的停车场时，Bernard 真没想到这会是 Sir Humphrey 的车。当然，他知道这位上司有一辆不常开的捷豹，但他一直默认常务秘书的颜色选择应该是低调的摄政灰或者香槟棕之类的，没想到居然这么亮眼。所以，当车窗摇下露出那深棕色的笑眼时，他吃惊地说不出话来。

“上来吧，还需要我为你开门么，Bernard？” Sir Humphrey 看着呆住的 Bernard，略显无奈地说。  
“对不起，Sir Humphrey” Bernard 连忙打开车门坐到了副驾驶位置。  
“你说过要蓝色的，所以我开了这辆车，毕竟不能直接穿靛蓝色的睡衣出门。指路吧！”  
“哦，好的。请去富勒姆路，Sir Humphrey” Bernard 转过脸想研读一下上司的表情，依然无法判断他刚才那句关于睡衣的话是玩笑还是认真的。爵士确实又穿了件浅蓝色的衬衣，搭了条海蓝色的领带，打了个单结，外面是件浅灰色的羊绒夹克，还戴了顶米色的贝雷帽，古龙水的气氛也比较活泼，感觉像个画廊或古董店的老板。看来这就是他最休闲的打扮了，Bernard 忍不住扑哧笑了出来。

“我的着装有什么问题吗？Bernard” Sir Humphrey 握着方向盘，目光依然没有离开眼前的路。  
“呃，没什么大问题，Sir Humphrey，您如平日一样英俊 。只是我想没几个人会在球场打领带，除了少数几个教练，多半还是外国人。”  
“哦，你可没提前告诉我。我待会可以摘掉，虽然会有点不习惯。”  
“我有更适合您的配饰” Bernard 从背包里拿出一条蓝色的粗毛线针织围巾，上面有一排巨大的白色字母。  
Sir Humphrey 瞟了一眼，那惊恐眼神分明在喊：这丑八怪是什么玩意儿？  
“这是您的护身符，戴上它您就可以和我一起安全地坐在主队球迷看台。” Bernard 诚恳地说，“我知道您去看板球比赛都是坐包厢的，但这次打赌我既然好不容易赢了，就请您体会一次真正的足球赛。”  
“好吧，为了安全。毕竟我如果被足球流氓伤害了，对女王的政府可是巨大的损失。”Sir Humphrey 看了眼一身标准球迷打扮的 Bernard 叹了口气，“幸好我不用穿得跟你一样，我刚才差点都没认出你。”  
“您若真能穿成这样，对我可是巨大的奖励。” Bernard 小声嘀咕。  
“你说什么，Bernard？”  
“没什么，Sir Humphrey，前面右转就到了。” 引擎轰鸣声中，Bernard 把 Sir Humphrey 带到了斯坦福桥体育场的停车场。静静地看着上司停好车，摘下领带，裹上了他带来的围巾。这感觉像是把一只猫科猛兽的所有尖牙利爪都磨圆了，Bernard 忍不住嘴角上扬，后悔没带照相机来拍下这个造型。  
“哦，原来你支持的球队是切尔西。我一直以为切尔西唯一的好东西是花卉展呢。走吧！” Sir Humphrey 做了一个“请”的手势，Bernard 乐颠颠地带路走向球场。

————-

Bernard 之前没想过带着 Sir Humphrey 来看足球赛会是怎样的体验。他知道爵士对足球毫无兴趣，他说过自己若想要被一群大喊大叫臭汗淋漓的暴徒包围，不如直接去下议院好了。当然，作为一位标准的英伦绅士，哪怕在几万名球迷的喧嚣声中，Sir Humphrey 也保持着淡定，举着他的小双筒望远镜满场张望，时不时还好奇地问 Bernard 几句。

“我们的对手是谁，利物浦吗？”  
“是的，Sir Humphrey”  
“他们的队歌似乎比较好听”  
“呃，您最好别让其他穿蓝衣服的人听到这话，Sir Humphrey”  
“好吧，我会记住的。Bernard，在这里别叫我 Sir 了，今天可是你说了算”  
“好的，Sir Humphrey，我会试着记住的”

_（注：利物浦的球迷歌是 Beatles 的 You'll never walk alone）_

……

“所以利物浦队就是来自利物浦的球队，你的切尔西就是伦敦的球队？”  
“是的，Sir Humphrey”  
“那么大臣是伯明翰来的，他自然就支持伯明翰队咯？”  
“哦，不是的，Sir Humphrey。伯明翰有几支球队，大臣支持的其实是伯明翰的另一支，阿斯顿维拉队，比伯明翰队厉害一点。”  
“那伦敦也有很多球队吗？”  
“对，除了切尔西，还有水晶宫，阿森纳，富勒姆等等，规模比较大的可能有近十支吧……”  
“兵工厂？这个队听起来比较厉害，火力强大的感觉”  
“您也最好别让其他穿蓝衣服的人听到这话，Sir Humphrey”

_（注：“阿森纳”这个词本身的意思是兵工厂）_

……

“你们的替补席上那个正在换衣服的小伙子腹肌不错，穿好了，18号”  
“他是法国人，Sir Humphrey”  
“哦，真遗憾”

Bernard 越来越确定自己这个赌注选择得太棒了。人生第一次，在一个他懂的更多的场合，他可以轻松回答 Sir Humphrey 的每一个问题，既不用担心出卖大臣，也不用惦记官方保密法之类的。而球场里人声鼎沸，Sir Humphrey 的修养意味着他不可能大声嚷嚷，所以要和 Bernard 说话就必须凑到耳边，Bernard 都可以感受到他的气息轻抚在自己的脸上，还好手里的啤酒给脸红提供了完美借口。虽然比赛场面胶着，已经80多分钟了还是 0:0 ，Sir Humphrey 也没有抱怨过无聊。Bernard 虽然心系场上的比赛，但免不了偷窥上司的表情，只见他一时嫌弃得眉头皱起、一时惊奇得眼睛都亮了，偶尔咯咯偷笑两声、偶尔傲慢地缓缓摇头。看到爵士兴致盎然，Bernard 又放心地把注意力投回了赛场上。

替补席上焦虑的球员和工作人员、看台上穿梭的卖啤酒热狗的小贩、球迷父亲肩头的顽皮孩子、站岗执勤时偷瞄比赛的保安……这些人都透过双筒望远镜进入 Sir Humphrey 的眼中。他似乎不是来看球赛的，而是在进行一场大英帝国普通公民的样本采集。 对一个白厅的常务秘书而言，这些人当然都是 trouble maker，但是在这样一个周末的下午，观察他们却给 Humphrey 带来了前所未有的新鲜乐趣。“Bernard，我不得不承认，这趟足球场之旅出乎意料地让我愉快...” Humphrey 放下望远镜，把头歪向 Bernard 说。

话音未落，他们所在的半边看台忽然沸腾了！切尔西进球了！89 分钟！替换上场的 18 号法国前锋顶进一个头球，攻破了利物浦的大门。Bernard 先是像其他蓝衣球迷一样跳起来振臂欢呼，Humphrey 还没明白发生了什么，就被 Bernard 直接抱住，双手捧着脸猛亲了一下嘴唇……

“球进了！我们赢了！Sir Humphrey！绝杀！绝杀！” Bernard 语无伦次地解释了两句就回到了疯狂球迷的庆祝行列，Humphrey 对于这个突如其来的吻说不出是惊喜还是惊吓。出于一个常务秘书的职业习惯，他先谨慎地环顾了一下四周，发现蓝色看台上的人们都在拥抱亲吻，无论男女老少……于是，他安心地把目光投回兴奋的 Bernard，只见他满面红光地举着围巾乱挥，在球迷大合唱中兴高采烈声嘶力竭。这是 Humphrey 第一次听到 Bernard 唱歌，心想唱的真不怎么样啊比自己差远了，但是这孩子真可爱啊，让人想揉他的脑袋。Humphrey 拿起了脚边的冰镇啤酒咕嘟了一大口，被气泡冲得皱起了鼻子，依然笑盈盈地看着狂热的 Bernard，居然觉得自己有点微醺了……

距离他们不远处的 VIP 包厢，Jim Hacker 在进球之前偶然看到了 Bernard。他知道 Bernard 是切尔西球迷，料想自己不会认错，大喊着想打招呼，但球场太吵了对方显然听不见。就在这时球进了，他看到 Bernard 拥吻了身边坐着的一个男人，那人对进球似乎无动于衷。“Bernard 居然带了个不是球迷的朋友来看球，真有意思。” 散场时，他想跟着 Bernard 去看看，却只远远看到 Bernard 跟着那个戴贝雷帽的人进了一辆靛蓝色捷豹。奇怪的是，Jim 觉得那人的身姿有些眼熟，却想不起来在哪里见过……

  


———————

比赛结束后 2个小时，俩人从一家切尔西的球迷酒吧走了出来。Bernard 实在太开心了，又喝了不少香槟，Humphrey 还要开车回黑索米尔，所以只是来了点三明治和咖啡填肚子。Bernard 在路边想拦出租车，却被 Humphrey 直接塞进了捷豹里。 “走吧，Bernard，我送你回家吧”。

并不需要 Bernard 指路，Humphrey 就把车开到了他家公寓的街角。

“您真的什么都知道啊，Sir Humphrey，包括我住哪儿”

“当然，Bernard，我想我们到了”

“谢谢您，Sir Humphrey，这真是我打过的最棒的赌” Bernard 刚说完就怀疑这句话是否有点冒失。

“不客气，Bernard，我也没料到赌输了还会过得这么开心 ” Humphrey 把车熄了火，用漫不经心的调调说： “告诉我，Bernard，进球后的那个亲吻，是看球时人们的惯常行为么？”

“呃……我很抱歉，Sir Humphrey，我当时太激动了……一般我并不会这样，我就从没亲过 David ” Bernard 意识到自己又语无伦次了，分明今天一直都可以轻松地跟上司交谈的，快告别时怎么又变回了愚钝的老样子。

“David？大臣之前的 PPS David？” Humphrey 显然有点意外。

“对，我们有时一起看球，今天的球票就是他帮我弄的。但是您放心，我并没有说我是跟您一起来的，虽然这也并没有什么违反规定的不妥之处，但是我想您肯定是希望这件事不用流传到私人秘书小道消息网的……” Bernard 又觉得自己越说越乱了，看着上司的表情从佯怒慢慢变成了坏笑。“所以，回到您之前的问题。不，我想亲吻并不是进球后的常规操作，至少对于我不是，我之前从没这样做过，我甚至从没亲过……男人……”

Bernard 的声音越来越小，最后一个词几乎只有气息发出来了。Humphrey 并没有掩饰自己的惊讶，他以为牛津的男孩子似乎都有这样一个阶段，尤其是漂亮的男孩子。而在牛津上学时的 Bernard Woolley，绝对是最漂亮的男孩子之一。

“所以……今天……那……算是我的……初吻……吗？” Bernard 觉得自己是在自言自语，但还是把目光投向了身旁的上司。

“如果你要我来说，Yes and No，Bernard”

“为什么？” Bernard 也不知道自己具体在期待什么，但他知道自己绝对有所期待。

Sir Humphrey 叹了口气，撅起嘴想了几秒钟，“Yes，因为那确实可以勉强算一个吻；No，因为引起你当时行为的原因是比赛的进程而非你心中的感情，因为让你冲动的人是那个进球的法国人而不是……” Humphrey 停了几秒钟，看着 Bernard 梦幻般的眼神，斟酌着用词，“而不是你亲吻的那个男人……” 说完最后一个词，他的嘴巴还没来得及完全合上，就被 Bernard 的嘴巴紧紧地封住了。

Humphrey 呆住了，觉得自己的呼吸停止了，血液凝固了。

“那么，这一次算真正的吻吗？” Bernard 呢喃着，他的唇并没有离开 Humphrey 的唇，而是继续探索着……他怀疑自己又是在做梦，但他确信这并不是梦，因为这太真实了。Sir Humphrey 柔软嘴唇的触感太真实了，Sir Humphrey 唇齿之间的咖啡味太真实了，Sir Humphrey 下巴上隐约的胡茬扎着的疼痛太真实了，Sir Humphrey 从耳垂到后颈滚烫的温度太真实了，Sir Humphrey 柔软的卷发在自己指缝间的游走太真实了，Sir Humphrey 深邃的褐色双眼中燃烧的火焰太真实了，Sir Humphrey 明显在尽全力隐忍却又忍不住的喘息太真实了，Sir Humphrey 终于放弃了抵抗开始回吻自己的激情太真实了。

他听到了那个熟悉的声音低吟着：Yes，my dear Bernard... 他感到自己的手伸向了对方的衬衣纽扣，却被对方抓住了。Humphrey 停下了动作，用额头顶着 Bernard 的额头，深呼吸了两下，然后把 Bernard 的手放到自己的唇边长吻了好一会儿。

“该回家了，Bernard” Humphrey 凝视着Bernard，眼神中隐约有一丝哀伤。

“晚安，Sir Humphrey”

  


_(**彩蛋**：大神 [LRRH](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LRRH/pseuds/LRRH) 画的 [看球的 Sir Humphrey](https://d2pqhom6oey9wx.cloudfront.net/img_resize/18838855785d6d8ab98cebd.jpg) 。还有她的另一幅 Q 版旧作，与本文无关但是超级萌：[汉皮和吉姆去看球](https://d2pqhom6oey9wx.cloudfront.net/img_resize/12962407845d6cd52f53325.jpg)）_

  


———English version———

Chapter 7 Yes and No

The beginning of the New Year was not at all pleasant, at least not for Bernard. The romantic episode of Christmas came off to leave no trace. Sir Humphrey had never worn that tie yet, and there had been no noticeable change in the attitude towards him at work. Well, there was a bit of change, Sir Humphrey got more severe, but the cause of this change should be the Minister rather than anyone else.

Jim Hacker checkmated Sir Humphrey in the database project, unexpectedly leaving the forever eloquent Sir Humphrey speechless. Although this ‘accident’ seemingly only caused some lack of sleep to the Permanent Secretary (the red tie has been popping up a little too frequently these days), Sir Humphrey was taking this ‘failure’ rather bitterly. Since the boss was sullen all the time, 23,000 civil servants in the DAA would undoubtedly suffer a rough time. Sir Humphrey has become more fastidious about the work hand in by his underlings recently, which put those senior secretaries who are responsible to him directly on thin ice.

This day, during lunchtime, even someone as sound as Graham had a rare complaint about Sir Humphrey. Bernard thought you had no idea how much I envy you for being able to be around Sir Humphrey all day long, replied a reserved wry smile.

‘Well, Bernard, have you heard the news? David is leaving the Sports for the Employment. It seems that his exile has finally come to an end.’

Oh, really? That's great news! Bernard had talked with his predecessor when he first joined the service. He was surprised to find that they both liked football, even though they support different clubs. As David could easily get tickets for all kinds of popular matches, and there are too few people in Whitehall who enjoy watching football, so the two became friends and went to see the match together occasionally. Bernard suddenly recollected his bet with Sir Humphrey and decided to make a dinner appointment with David as soon as possible.

\-- -- --

‘Yes and no, Sir Humphrey’ Bernard was shocked by his wording, he said to his boss the latter’s favourite reply to perplex the minister, and his following justifications only got worse. Sure enough, the patient smile vanished from Sir Humphrey’s face, while his eyes becoming menacing and his tone more and more threatening. After ordering a scotch on the rocks, Sir Humphrey held up the newspaper and ignored him.

When Bernard read Sir Humphrey’s memo asking him to see him in the club earlier that day, he was very optimistic to have a proper occasion to talk about topics non-related to work. He did not anticipate to offend his boss and might be facing a career change to the Sports Department or even worse, Swansea......

‘I must have been over-excited about the football match.’ Bernard thought. David was no doubt a qualified private secretary. When Bernard implied that he did not want to reveal whom he was going to watch the match with, David just gave an ‘I know’ look and asked no more.

‘Sir Humphrey, may I ask you a hypothetical question?’ Bernard hesitated.

‘It's always a good idea.’ The geniality came back on Humphrey's face.

Thank God the crisis is over. Bernard managed to satisfy the Permanent Secretary without going against his precious professional conscience.

‘Have a drink, Bernard.’ Humphrey stick out his tongue mischievously.

Bernard lowered his head shyly, smiling from ear to ear, blaming Sir Humphrey for sticking out his tongue in his heart. Finally, after a sip of alcohol, he gathered his courage.

‘Sir Humphrey, do you remember the bet we made just before last Christmas?’

‘Of course, Bernard.’

‘Er, I was wondering, are you free in two weeks? Specifically, the Saturday after next. I have got tickets for the game that day... ’

Sir Humphrey raised his eyebrows and said, ‘Well, I have lost, you're the boss.’

Bernard could not help but grin, then hurriedly picked up his glass and took a big gulp to calm himself.

Sir Humphrey looked at him with a beam of satisfaction, said no more, proceeded with the newspaper lazily.

\-- -- --

The next two weeks turned out even darker for the DAA. If the previous Big Brother incident only upset Sir Humphrey, then the current rumour of abolishing the Ministry made all the staff from Minister to typists become cats on hot bricks. Fortunately, Sir Humphrey advised Jim to mobilize the backbenchers, and Martin revealed the top-secret Napoleon prize, eventually, the honourable Jim Hacker had a stroke of genius to checkmate the PM. The DAA was saved.

Only himself, Bernard thought guiltily, had not come up with any useful ideas from beginning to end, the Minister even told him to either shut up or get out...

Anyway, the crisis is over! The memos from the PM's office were distributed to the DAA and were read out loud in the Minister's office by a cheerful Sir Humphrey. Jim listened in great delights and went straight to the wine cabinet. He poured one for each secretary and another double for himself.

‘To DAA!’ Jim said.  
‘To the team!’ Sir Humphrey said.  
"To us!’ Bernard said to himself.  
‘Cheers!’

Jim wanted to broadcast the good news to Annie as soon as possible so he asked the driver to take him home after the drink. Sir Humphrey also told Bernard that he could go home and enjoy the weekend while sauntering back to his own office.

‘Er, Sir Humphrey?’ Bernard recalled something important and followed the Permanent Secretary.

‘What is it, Bernard?’ Sir Humphrey was packing his briefcase.

‘Tomorrow... In the afternoon... How shall we meet?’

‘Tomorrow... Isn't it Saturday? Oh, yes, football!’ Sir Humphrey appeared to have been so wrapped up in work these days and completely forgot about the game. ‘What time is it? Where is it? More importantly, what should I wear?’

‘The game starts at 5 p.m. and it's a short drive from the Whitehall. I can drive to Haslemere to pick you up, Sir Humphrey’. Bernard was very worried that his second-hand car would be too inferior for the Permanent Secretary.

‘No, thanks. I will drive myself. You haven't told me the dress code yet.’ The perfect image was always the Permanent Secretary's top concern.

His car _was_ too inferior. Bernard curled his lips. ‘I will wear the club’s shirt and jacket. You can wear whatever you like. Something blue would be better.’

‘Blue, like this shirt?’ Sir Humphrey was clueless about what to wear at a football stadium, and he would rather have Bernard invite him to watch tennis in Wimbledon. After all, he had a couture milky suit tailored specially for the Royal Garden Party one year, which he rarely got another opportunity to show off.

Bernard looked at the azury fancy shirt his boss was wearing and thought it was a little different from the blue he meant. He almost blurted out ‘Yes and no’, but still said with pleasure, ‘Anything you prefer, Sir Humphrey, just nothing red.’

‘All right, then I'll be here tomorrow at about 4:30 p.m., and we'll meet at the ministry?’ Sir Humphrey walked out with his briefcase, asking when opening the door.

‘Perfect, Sir Humphrey!’

\-- -- --

‘Perfect... It's just perfect...’ 2 hours later after the game was over, standing at the corner of the street where his apartment was, Bernard watched the indigo Jaguar zooming away, whispering.

When the Jaguar showed up in the Whitehall parking lot at 4:30 p.m., Bernard had no idea it was Sir Humphrey's car. He knew, of course, that his boss had a Jaguar that he seldom drove. He had always assumed by default that a Permanent Secretary's choice of colour would be something like Regent Grey or Champagne Brown. Therefore, when the window rolled down to reveal Sir Humphrey’s dark brown eyes, he was speechless with surprise.

‘Come on in, Bernard. Or are you expecting me to open the door for you?’ Sir Humphrey squinting at the bemused Bernard, said in an extravagant helpless way.

‘Sorry, Sir Humphrey.’ Bernard opened the door and sat down in the passenger seat.

‘You said something blue, so I took this indigo car out today, better than walking around in indigo pyjamas, right? Please lead the way.’

‘Oh, ok. Fulham Road, Sir Humphrey.’ Bernard turned to read his boss's face, still unable to tell whether the pyjamas idea was a joke or serious. Sir Humphrey wore an azury shirt, a navy blue tie with a flat knot, an ecru cashmere jacket and a beige beret, and the cologne more vibrantly than workdays. This man looked like a gallery or antique shop owner. This might be his best try for ‘casual look’, and Bernard couldn’t help chuckling.

‘What's wrong with my outfit? Bernard’ the man at the wheel asked, eyes still focused on the road.

‘Oh, nothing much, Sir Humphrey. You're as gorgeous as usual. It's just that I don't think a lot of people would wear ties for a football match, except for some coaches, most of them foreigners.’

‘Well, you didn't warn me that, Bernard. I can take it off later, though I would not be used to it. A tie feels like a part of my body’

‘I have more suitable accessories for you.’ Bernard magically pulled out a blue woollen scarf from his backpack, and there are huge white letters knitted on it.

Sir Humphrey merely took a glance but his frightened eyes were shouting: What The Hell is this hideous thing?

‘This is your armour and you can sit safely with me in the home stands. I know you watch cricket in a VIP box, but in this once in a blue moon chance, I would like to share with you the real experience of watching a football match. Sir Humphrey’

‘All right, I’ll take the scarf for safety's sake. After all, it would be a huge loss to HMG if I were hurt by a football hooligan.’ Humphrey sighed when browsing Bernard’s typical fan outfit. ‘Luckily I don't have to dress like you do today. I almost failed to recognize you just now.’

‘It would be a tremendous reward for me if you could dress like this.’ Bernard muttered.

‘What did you say, Bernard?’

‘Nothing, Sir Humphrey. We’re almost there, on the right.’ Amid the roar of the engines, Bernard guided Humphrey to the parking lot of the Stamford Bridge stadium, witnessing his boss parked the car, took off the tie, wrapped in his oversized blue scarf. It looked like all the fangs and claws of a feline predator had been baby-proofed. Bernard could not help but smile at the corners of his mouth, regretting that he did not bring a camera to fix this image.

‘So your team is Chelsea. I always reckoned the only good thing about Chelsea was the Flower Show. Shall we go?’ Sir Humphrey made a ‘Please’ gesture and Bernard hopped to the stadium.

\-- -- -

Bernard had never imagined what it would be like to take Sir Humphrey to a football match. He knew that his boss was never interested in football at all. Sir Humphrey once said he'd better go to the House of Commons if he wanted to be surrounded by screaming, sweaty monsters. Of course, as a British gentleman, even in the chaos of tens of thousands of fans, Sir Humphrey managed to stay perfectly calm, holding up his small binoculars to scan through the field, and even asked Bernard a few questions out of curiosity occasionally.

‘Who are we playing, Liverpool?’  
‘Yes, Sir Humphrey.’  
‘Their song melody sounds better.’  
‘Well, you'd better not let anyone else in blue hear that Sir Humphrey.’  
‘I'll keep that in mind, Bernard. And you can drop the title now. Don't call me Sir here, we had agreed that you are the boss today.’  
‘Okay, Sir Humphrey, I'll try to remember that.’

...

‘So Liverpool is a team from Liverpool, your Chelsea is a team from London?’  
‘Yes, Sir Humphrey.’  
‘The Minister is from Birmingham, so surely he would support Birmingham club?’  
‘Oh, no, Sir Humphrey. There are a couple of big clubs in Birmingham and the Minister is a fan of Aston Villa, a bit better than Birmingham.’  
‘Are there many teams in London too?’  
‘Yes, in addition to Chelsea, there are Crystal Palace, Arsenal, Fulham and so on, probably up to ten of them... ’  
‘Arsenal? It sounds like a great team, with a lot of firepower.’  
‘You'd better not let anyone else in blue hear that either, Sir Humphrey.’

...

‘The chap on your substitute bench who's changing has really attractive abs. Here we go, No.18.’  
‘He's French, Sir Humphrey.’  
‘Oh, what a great loss to Britain.’

Bernard became increasingly convinced that he had made the right decision. For the first time in his life, he could easily answer every question from Sir Humphrey without worrying about betraying Minister or breaching the Official Secret Act or whatsoever. The stadium was full of deafening crowds, as Sir Humphrey would never shout out loud in public, so he had to reach to Bernard’s ear to talk. Bernard could feel his breath caressing his cheek. Although the match was insipid and after more than 80 minutes the score was still 0-0, Sir Humphrey had not uttered a single complaint of boredom. Bernard surely paid great attention to the ongoing game, but inevitably he peeped at the senior’s expression, witnessed a disgusted frown, then delightedly surprised eyes, along with occasional giggles or patronizing slowly-shaking head.

Anxious players and staff on the bench, beer and hot dogs vendors in the stands, naughty children on the shoulders of fan fathers, security guards peering at matches while on duty... Images of these people all went through the binoculars into Humphrey’s eyes. He was not attending a football game, but conducting a sample collection of ordinary citizens in Britain. To a Permanent Secretary in Whitehall, they are trouble makers without question. However, to observe them in such a lovely weekend afternoon was an unprecedented novelty to Humphrey. ‘Bernard, I have to admit, this field trip has been surprisingly enjoyable...’ Humphrey put down the binoculars and tilted his head to Bernard.

Just at that moment, all the people at home stands suddenly became crazy! Chelsea score! 89 minutes! The substitute No.18, the French striker, headed a goal. Before Humphrey knew what was going on, his face was grabbed by Bernard and his lips were pressed by the young man's lips.

‘Goal! We won! Sir Humphrey! Final Hit!’ Dropping a few incoherent words of explanations, Bernard joined in the delirious crowd. Humphrey couldn't tell whether it was a surprise or a shock, the unexpected kiss. Out of a senior civil servant’s professional habits, he carefully looked around and found that many people dressed in blue were hugging and kissing each other... ‘So it was all right.’ He laid his eyes back to the excited Bernard, who was waving the scarf enthusiastically, singing along with the other crazy fans. It was the first time that Humphrey heard Bernard sing, ‘That's not so good, not even close.’ He thought. But the boy was so adorable that Humphrey wanted to stroke his hair and pinch his face softly. Picking up the cold beer, gazing at the fanatical Bernard, Humphrey felt a little tipsy...

Not far from them, in the VIP box, Jim Hacker spotted Bernard vaguely just before the goal. He knew Bernard was a Chelsea fan and was sure the figure was nobody else. Jim shouted out Bernard’s name, but the stadium was too chaotic for him to be heard. Just then the goal was scored, and he saw Bernard embrace and kiss a man sitting next to him, who seemed unimpressed by the goal. ‘Interesting, Bernard brought a friend who isn't a football fan’ When the game was over, Jim tried to follow Bernard to see whom he was with, but only to see his PPS followed the man in beret into an indigo Jaguar. Strangely, Jim felt that he had seen the other man before but could not recall when or where...

\-- -- -- -

Two hours after the game was over, Bernard and Humphrey walked out of a Chelsea fan bar. Bernard was still in a fantastic mood and had a lot of champagne there. Humphrey had to drive back to Haslemere, so he only had some sandwiches and a cup of coffee. Bernard tried to stop a taxi but was stuffed into the Jaguar by his boss.

Humphrey drove directly to Bernard’s apartment without Bernard's help.

‘You really know everything, Sir Humphrey, including where I live.’

‘Of course, Bernard, I think we're almost there.’

‘Thank you, Sir Humphrey. It's the best bet I've ever made.’ Bernard expressed his feeling in a non-professional straightforward way, which even startled himself a bit.

‘You're welcome, Bernard. I didn't expect to have such a good time after losing the bet either.’ Humphrey pull the car aside and said casually. ‘Now, tell me Bernard, is kissing a conventional way of celebrating the goal in a football match?’

‘Er... I'm sorry, Sir Humphrey, I was too excited... I don't usually do that... I've never kissed David...’ Bernard realized that he was being obtuse again.

‘David? Your predecessor David Smith?’ Sir Humphrey was a little surprised.

‘Yes, we sometimes watch football together, and he helped me get the tickets for today. But you don’t have to worry, I did not tell him that I would come with you... err I didn’t mean that there was anything wrong or against the rules that we watch the game together, but I presume that as a civil servant you would appreciate my sense of confidentiality to make sure that it would not leak to the private secretary's grapevine... ’ aware that the facial expression of Sir Humphrey shift from feint anger slowly into an understanding smile, Bernard went on. ‘So, back to your previous question. No, I don't think kissing is a tradition after a goal, at least not for me. I've never done it before, I've never even kissed... any man...... ’

Bernard's voice got weaker and weaker, the last word could barely be heard. Humphrey made no effort to hide his astonishment, as he imagined that all Oxbridge boys would have gone through such a phase, especially the pretty ones. Bernard Woolley, as Humphrey could recall clearly, was one of the prettiest.

‘So... Today... That was.... my... first kiss... Is that so?’ Bernard thought he was talking to himself, but he turned his eyes to the senior next to him.

‘Yes and No, Bernard, if you ask me’

‘Why?’ Bernard didn't know exactly what he was expecting, but he knew absolutely he was expecting something.

Sir Humphrey sighed, pursed his lips and thought for a few seconds. ‘Yes, because it was indeed a kiss. No, because it was ignited by the progress of the game, not the emotion in your heart. Moreover, because you were turned on by the Frenchman who scored the goal, not... ’Humphrey paused for a few seconds, looking into Bernard's dreamy eyes, weighing his words.‘ not by the one you kissed...’ With the last word, Humphrey's lips were sealed fiercely by Bernard’s lips.

Humphrey froze, sensing his breath stop, his blood flow stop, his brain stop.

‘So, is this a real first kiss?’ Bernard muttered. While whispering, His lips did not leave Humphrey's but continued to explore... He suspected that he was dreaming again, but soon he was sure it wasn't a dream. It was too true. Too true was the touch of Sir Humphrey's warm lips, too true was the taste of coffee between his lips and teeth, too true was the invisible stubble on Sir Humphrey's chin tickling his own tongue, too true was the burning body temperature of Sir Humphrey’s from earlobe to nape, too true was the feeling of Sir Humphrey’s soft curls between his fingers, too true were the sparkles burning in Sir Humphrey's deep brown eyes, too true was that Sir Humphrey was apparently trying his best to hold back but couldn’t help gasping, too true was that Sir Humphrey had finally given up the denial and started kissing back.

And he heard the familiar voice in a very low pitch ‘Yes, my dear Bernard...’ He felt his hand reach for the button of Sir Humphrey’s shirt, but got caught by another warm hand. Humphrey paused, pressing his forehead against Bernard's, took two deep breaths. Then he put Bernard's hand to his lips and kissed it tenderly for a while.

‘Time to go home, Bernard.’ Humphrey stared at Bernard, a hint of sadness in his eyes. ‘Goodbye and Goodnight’

‘Goodnight, Sir Humphrey’

  


_**Bonus: **click here to enjoy** [Sir Humphrey at Standford Bridge,](https://d2pqhom6oey9wx.cloudfront.net/img_resize/18838855785d6d8ab98cebd.jpg) **by dear **[LRRH](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LRRH/pseuds/LRRH).**_

_And another of her art: [old chibi of Humphrey and Jim watching football](https://d2pqhom6oey9wx.cloudfront.net/img_resize/12962407845d6cd52f53325.jpg), not related to this story but extremely adorable._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Personally I don’t understand any of Humphrey’s hobbies such as cricket or opera. Inspired by what Nigel said about Derek, I could make something I’m interested in for this fanfic. 
> 
> I’m not a Chelsea fan, but I appreciate Giroud’s abs.


	8. Better not to know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This happens during the s01e06 ‘the right to know’
> 
> Does Jim know?
> 
> (Please drag down to view the English version of the story.)

**不知为妙**

“他怎么会有时间？他就不该有时间！这是你的错，Bernard！”Sir Humphrey 简直是气得暴跳如雷。

Bernard 一看到上司那标志着睡眠不足的红色波点领带就警告自己小心应对。警告无效，斥责还是劈头盖脸砸了下来。他只能唯唯诺诺为自己辩解，还得提醒自己不要被那口吐莲花的嘴唇吸引——关于那嘴唇的甜蜜回忆此时太不合时宜了。但是，生气的 Sir Humphrey 是多么迷人啊，为了摆架子而故意用夸张的动作抖外套、一手叉腰一手斜撑在桌上仿佛要用居高临下的气场把他压倒，盛气凌人的眼神伴随咄咄逼人的语句。不知不觉间，Bernard 又词穷了，一个“实际上”说了快10次了？

“干得漂亮，Bernard。为什么我之前问的时候你不早说？”不知怎么的，听闻大臣是在会见动物保护组织，Sir Humphrey的语调从恨铁不成钢骤变成夸张的满意，抑扬顿挫间，Bernard的注意力又被他优雅的鼻梁线条吸引，勾起了与之摩擦时的触感回忆。

“管不住自己大臣的私人秘书，就是濒危物种，实际上！”训话结束，Humphrey 走到呆坐的 Bernard 耳边又威胁了他一句。

机不可失！

趁着上司的脸凑近了自己，Bernard 突然用一只手勾住对方的脖子吻了上去。啊，Sir Humphrey 嘴唇的滋味，他从上次下车后就开始思念不止。咖啡的口感：微苦、香醇、成熟、高傲。 Bernard 伸过另一只手搂过想搂住上司的脑袋去揉揉卷发，对方却躲开了。Bernard 不舍地睁开眼睛，确认对方的眼神是宠溺的而不是嗔怒的，低下头羞红了脸起身就要往门口逃。

“Bernard” 听到上司的声音，已经快闪到门边的他也没敢回头，但还是停下了脚步。Humphrey 缓步走到他身后，不动声色地说：“下次，记得先锁门。”

听到“下次”两个字，Bernard 暗暗呲牙笑了，“好的，Sir Humphrey ”

“快去解救大臣吧，我一会儿就来” 

...

“我再也不想听到什么有些事大臣不知为妙了。这是命令，Humphrey！不许把大臣当10岁的小孩子哄!” 大臣又被 Sir Humphrey 的一番从句套从句的长难句弄得的晕头转向，Bernard 忍不住笑出了声。Sir Humphrey 给了他一个象征性的责备眼神，起身告退后信步走向他们身后的门。

“对了，Bernard，我上周六在斯坦福桥看到你了，切尔西对利物浦的时候。”听到大臣这话，Bernard 的大眼睛瞪得更大了，Humphrey 的脚步节奏也错了一拍，差点把手里的文件掉到地上，还好大臣似乎并没注意。

“哦，是的。没想到您也去了。您是在 VIP 包厢吗？我没看到您” Bernard 强作镇定。

“是啊，我喊你了你也没听见。” Jim 玩着手上的眼镜腿，笑着说：“你们的球队胜利了，恭喜啊！跟你一起去的朋友是谁？估计我不认识吧，感觉像个法国人？”

“法国人？哪个朋友？” Bernard 那一瞬间都不确定大臣说的到底是谁了。

“围着切尔西围巾戴贝雷帽的，我看你们坐在一起看球还一起离开的。” Jim 眯起了眼睛：“这里不会有些 ‘最好大臣不知道’ 的事吧，虽然法国是我们的可靠盟友。”

“哦，那的确是我的一位朋友……” Bernard 从来就不太会说谎，紧张地捏着手里的软皮记录本：“我们是很久以前认识的……在……在……在牛津！呃，他是个学长，我们一起学过法语……”

“学法语？！” Bernard 身后的 Humphrey 发出了无声的惊呼，在心里怒斥自己的男孩从来不知何时该闭嘴。此刻的常务秘书已经放弃了绅士的修养，对着空气翻了个完全的白眼，反正他背后的两个人也看不见。他已经努力用合理的最慢速度挪到了门口，再不迈步出去就有点说不过去了。

“哦，这样啊。他的车挺不错的。” Jim 笑了笑，露出了小虎牙：“好了，我的日程表里下一个安排是啥？”

Bernard 连忙翻开记录本查看日程，记录本封面的软皮上已经被他手心的汗水糊了一小片。

Humphrey 轻轻长出一口气，继续走回自己的办公室，他知道以后再也不能把那辆靛蓝色的捷豹开到白厅来了。

...

“约会进行的如何，Humpy ？趁着你的男孩还没来，快告诉我！” Jumbo 掏出雪茄。

“挺不错的，Jumbo，足球场并没有我以前想象的那么糟糕。虽然噪音确实震耳欲聋，但也挺有意思的，至少我活着回来了。” Humphrey 轻松一笑，“你怎么知道我叫他待会儿来俱乐部这儿找我？”

“看你挑了个三个沙发挨着的座位就知道了，我还不了解你么？你觉得自己 25 年的经验教育那个傻小子还不够，还想剥削我的智慧。下次你得请我吃饭来作为补偿。我可相当于在休息时间工作，不像你是别有所图的。所以……你到底图到了没有？” Jumbo 的大眼睛写满了好奇。

“ Yes and no, Jumbo ” Humphrey 抿了口酒，望向天花板。

Jumbo 盯了 Humphrey 两秒后，点着了雪茄，吸了一大口，语重心长地说：“ Humpy，我知道你是个稳重的人，但是这次你真的应该格外谨慎啊。当年在大学里，类似的事差点害你丢了奖学金，这次如果出现什么不好的传闻，你要失去的可能就是内阁秘书候选人的资格了。” 

“ Jumbo 你也想得太远了。”Humphrey 看着老朋友，略有点疑惑这话题的走向，“再说，Arnold 应该也没把我当成他的接班人吧，都差点把我发配到农林部去讨论鳕鱼配额了。我的 DAA 在内阁排到七八位，就算除开能源部和国防部等几个比较年轻的常务秘书，你和 Frank 也肯定在我前面啊。说真的，如果你当内阁秘书，我全力支持，你肯定不会废了我的部门。”

“问题是，如果内阁秘书是 Frank，咱们怎么办？ Humpy ，你还是该多花点时间跟 Arnold 聊聊天，别只惦记着你的傻男孩。”Jumbo 叹了口气。

“ Frank 也不是什么十恶不赦的大坏蛋吧，只是野心有点大罢了。你多虑了。”

“那是因为他现在没把你当成他的竞争对手，Humpy 。等哪天他看清了你的实力，你就知道他的厉害了。口腹蜜剑的家伙！” Jumbo 知道 Frank 跟 Arnold 说过自己不少坏话，耿耿于怀。他吐了口烟圈，接着说：“不过你那个不省心的大臣，的确有点难对付。” 

“是啊，他今天又有新鲜点子了，想让助理秘书等下级越过我直接跟他本人汇报。” Humphrey 摇摇头，端起酒杯。

“他以为自己是文官么？这些自大狂政客们……”

Jumbo 开始贬损 Jim 时， Bernard 带着文件走了过来。于是，主题为“对付大臣的四字密诀”的秘书小课堂开始了：省时、省事、省钱、受欢迎……还有“有争议”和“有魄力”的特殊含义……

...

“ Sir Humphrey ” 二对一的 VIP 教学结束，Jumbo 先离开了，眼见 Humphrey 也拿起了雨伞和公文包准备回家，Bernard 还想说点悄悄话。

“什么事，Bernard？”

“您觉得，大臣他知道吗？”

“什么事他知道吗？”Humphrey 眯着眼睛问。

“足球赛……”Bernard 不敢出声，用口型回答。

“Well，我不知道他知不知道。 Bernard，很遗憾，有些事连我也没法知道。咱们的大臣是个在政治圈摸爬滚打了 20 多年的人，他的撒谎水平比你我都高多了。”

俩人走出了俱乐部来到了街道上。Humphrey 等着刚叫的出租车，Bernard 站到上司身边，隔着礼貌的距离。冬天还没完全结束，但路上已经比圣诞节时暖和不少了，Humphrey 的手还插在口袋里。

“Sir Humphrey，我还是……有点……担心。” Bernard 盯着自己的鞋子说。

Humphrey 转过头看着 Bernard，扬起了眉毛说：“哦？早上我还觉得你挺大胆的。” 那语气已经完全没有了刚才俱乐部里的威严，只透着戏谑的意味：“我想，保险起见，我们的确应该小心点。我说的‘我们’，主要是指你，Bernard。你最近最好乖一点，别做出什么有魄力的事情来。”

Bernard 的脸不出意料地红了，小声说：“那么……今天早上……我做的事情……是……有魄力的么？”

“当然不是，Bernard ” Humphrey 调皮地笑着说：“从没发生过的事，何来魄力可言呢？甚至谈不上有争议。”

这时，夜空淅淅沥沥飘起了小雨，Bernard 不禁缩了缩脖子。Humphrey 撑开了伞，伸开胳膊一把将年轻人搂到伞下来。

Bernard 差点被这阵突如其来的幸福感冲昏了头，还是伸过手去握住伞柄为上司撑伞。他的小指假装不小心地碰到了 Sir Humphrey 的食指，但是对方并没有把手拿开，而是握住了 Bernard 的手，温暖的手心包裹着 Bernard 微凉的手背。“现在，我亲爱的Bernard，这勉强可以称得上**有争议**” Humphrey 无视 Bernard 羞红的脸，用他迷人的低音轻声说：“但我想，咱们可以冒一点点险”

出租车来了， Humphrey 放开了手，只身上了车。“明天见，Bernard ”

“明天见，Sir Humphrey ” Bernard 举着伞，目送上司的出租车远去。

...

此时此刻，大臣乘坐的专车刚刚到达他在伦敦的公寓，司机 George 帮 Jim 打开车门，然后去搬红箱子。正巧，一辆香槟棕色的捷豹从他们面前的马路上呼啸而过。

“真是漂亮的车啊，不知什么时候我也能买得起一辆。” Jim 随口说。  
“确实很漂亮，先生。Sir Humphrey 有一辆靛蓝色的，不过我只见到他开过两三次。” George 随口回答。

Jim 震惊得嘴巴半天没合上。

\---English Version---

**Chapter 8 Better not to know**

‘Why has he got the time?’ He shouldn't have the time. That’s your fault, Bernard!’

Sir Humphrey was thunderously angry. Bernard warned himself to be extremely careful once he saw the red polka dot tie. The warning was invalid, and the rebuke was smashed down. Bernard tried his best to defend himself while reminding himself not to be attracted to the Senior's lips, which would trigger some memories too sweet to be indulged in at the moment. But how charming the furious Sir Humphrey was, in the way he deliberately shakes his coat with exaggerated gestures, leaning on the desk as if to overwhelm him with the superior hierarchy, dashing eyes accompanied by aggressive statements...unbearably sexy...

Being absent-minded improperly, Bernard found himself exhausted in arguments again. Did he just say ‘actually’ for the 10th time? 

‘Well done, Bernard. Why didn't you tell me this when I asked you before?’

Somehow, when learning the Minister was besieged by animal protection groups, Sir Humphrey's tone went abruptly into a dramatic satisfaction, and Bernard's attention was drawn to the elegant line of the bridge of his nose, the tactile memories of being nuzzled being evoked. ‘The private secretaries who can't occupy their Ministers are a threatened species, actually.’ The reprimand came to an end, Humphrey walked to the sitting Bernard and threatened him in the ear again.

It's now or never! 

As his boss approaching, Bernard suddenly hooked around Humphrey's neck and kissed him eagerly. Ah, the taste of Sir Humphrey's lips, how desperately he missed it since he got out of the Jaguar that night. The feeling of bitter coffee, mature, suave and arrogant, was impossible for him to resist, well, impossible for anybody to resist. Bernard reached his other hand to rub Humphrey's curls, but the latter dodged away.

Bernard opened his eyes relentlessly, confirming that Humphrey was smiling rather than being annoyed, blushed and got up immediately for the door. ‘Bernard!’ hearing the Permanent Secretary's voice, he froze but dared not to turn around. 

Humphrey walked slowly to his back and said quietly, ‘Next time, remember to lock the door first.’

Hearing the words ‘Next time’, Bernard couldn't help grinning, ‘Yes, Sir Humphrey.’ 

‘Now, go and rescue the Minister. I'll be there in a minute.’

...

‘Never again do I want to hear that ‘There is something it is better for a Minister not to know’. That is an order, Humphrey! Stop treating Cabinet Ministers as if they were ten-year-olds’

Bernard giggled. Humphrey gave him a fake reproachful look, got up and walked to the door behind them.

‘By the way, Bernard, I saw you in the Standford Bridge the other Saturday, Chelsea vs. Liverpool’ Bernard's eyes widened and Humphrey almost slipped to drop the files in his hand. Fortunately, Jim did not seem to notice.

‘Oh, yes, Minister. I didn't know you were there. Were you in the VIP box? I didn't see you.’ Bernard tried to compose himself.

‘Yes, you didn't hear me when I shout out your name either’, playing with his glasses, Jim smiled, ‘Your team won. Congratulations! Who was the friend going with you? Guess someone I don't know, seemed like a French?’

‘French? What friend?’ Bernard wasn't sure whom Jim was talking about.

‘The chap in a Chelsea scarf and a beret, I saw you two sitting side by side in the stand and leaving together.’ Jim narrowed his eyes. ‘Hopefully, it wasn’t something that _the minister better not to know_, hmm? though France is a reliable ally.’ 

‘Oh, that friend...’ Bernard had never been a good liar, nervously clutching his soft-cover notebook, ‘Well, we knew each other a long time ago... in... in Oxford! Well, he was a senior, we learned French together... '

‘Learn French? !’ motionless behind the two, Humphrey was shouting quietly. He gave up the gentlemanly manners to roll his eyes completely into the air, blaming the young man for never knowing when to shut up. He had tried to move to the door as slowly as possible, but it was almost impossible to dwell on any longer without an acceptable reason.

‘Oh, I see. Your friend has a posh car.’ Jim smiled, revealing his canine teeth. ‘Okay, what's next on my diary?’ 

Bernard hurriedly opened his notebook to check the schedule. The softcover of the notebook was moisturized by the sweat of his palm.

Humphrey took a slight relief and went on to his office. He realized that he would never be able to drive the indigo Jaguar to Whitehall again.

\------

‘So, how was the date, Humpy? Tell me before your boy comes!’ Jumbo took out his cigar.

‘Surprisingly good, Jumbo, the football stadium wasn't as horrible as I thought. It was deafening indeed, but interesting, at least I survived.’ Humphrey smiled effortlessly. ‘Jumbo, How did you know I told him to meet me here in the club later?’ 

‘You pick three sofa seats around one table. I know you too well. Is it that your own 25-years-experience is not enough to that silly boy, you want to exploit my wisdom as well? You'll have to make it up to me, treat me to lunch or something. I am working in my spare time; unlike you, who have some benefit to gain...or have you gained the benefit already?’ Jumbo's large eyes were full of curiosity.

‘Yes and no, Jumbo’ Humphrey sipped his wine, looking at the ceiling.

Jumbo stared at Humphrey for two seconds, then lit his cigar and took a big inhale, ‘Be careful, Humpy. You almost lost your scholarship in college for such things. Were there any rumours, you might lose your candidacy as the next Cabinet Secretary.’

‘Jumbo, you are thinking too far.’ Humphrey looked at his old friend and wondered where this conversation was heading to. ‘Anyway, Arnold probably never considers me his successor at all. He almost sent me to the Agriculture to discuss the cod quota for the rest of my life. It will be either you or Frank. Honestly, you will have my full support as the Secretary of Cabinet. I trust that you will never abolish my department.’

‘The problem is, we can never be sure. What if the next Cabinet Secretary is Frank, Humpy? You shouldn't give up so early. Go to spend more time with Arnold and less with your stupid boy, his obtusion might be contagious.’ Jumbo sighed.

‘Frank is not a hideous villain, Jumbo. He's just a little bit ambitious, sometimes too ambitious for his own good. Still, I believe you're worrying too much.’

‘You only consider Frank harmless because he doesn't deem you as his competitor yet, Humpy. Wait for it when he become aware of your real ability. That two-faced bugger!’ Jumbo knew that Frank had rubbished him to Arnold once and held deep grunge ever since. He made a huge smoke ring and continued: ‘But your troublemaker Minister is painful to deal with.’

‘Yes, indeed. He has another new idea today, planning to make the underlings report directly to him, without going through me.’ Humphrey shook his head and lifted his glass.

‘Who does he think he is? a Civil servant? The arrogance of these politicians... ’

As Jumbo began to diminish Jim, Bernard came over with some papers. Then the PPS was given a valuable lesson about government: the four-word secret to guide the Ministers: Quick. Simple, Popular, Cheap... and the special meaning of ‘controversial’ and ‘courageous’...

...

‘Sir Humphrey’ The teaching session came to an end and Jumbo left first, seeing Humphrey pick up the umbrella and briefcase to go home, Bernard followed up.

‘What is it, Bernard?’

‘Do you think the Minister knows?’ 

‘The Minister knows what, Bernard?’ Humphrey asked, squinting.

‘The football match...’ Bernard dared not speak, only mouthed his reply.

‘Well, I don't know if he knows. Bernard. Unfortunately, there are things even I don't know. Our Minister is a man who has been in politics for more than 20 years, and he is much better at lying than both of us.’

They walked out of the club. Humphrey waited for the taxi by the street, Bernard stood beside at a polite distance. Winter was not quite over, but it was much warmer than Christmas. 

‘Sir Humphrey, I'm still…a little bit worried,’ Bernard said, gazing at his own shoes.

Humphrey turned to Bernard, raised his eyebrows and said:‘Oh really? This morning I thought you were rather adventurous.’ The bossy tone in the club vanished, now the soft voice sounded rather seductive, ‘Yes, we should be more careful. By ‘we’, I mean you mostly, Bernard. You'd better behave yourself these days. Don't do anything courageous.’

Bernard's face turned red as expected and he whispered, ‘So...err… this morning... What I did... was.....courageous?’

‘Of course not, Bernard’ Humphrey gave a naughty smile, ‘How could something never took place be courageous? Not even controversial.’

It started to drizzle. Bernard shrank his neck. Humphrey opened his umbrella, stretched over to take the young man into the cover. 

Overwhelmed by the sudden joy of being held by Sir Humphrey for a second, Bernard didn't forget his position and reached over and to grasp the handle of the umbrella for his boss. His little finger touched Humphrey's index finger ‘accidentally’. Instead of put his hand back into the pocket, Humphrey held Bernard's hand, wrapping it with the warmth of his palm. ‘Now, my dear Bernard, this, can be called controversial’ Humphrey ignored Bernard’s blushed face, staring at the street, uttered in the sexy low-pitched voice:‘But I guess we are allowed to take a little risk.’

The taxi came, Sir Humphrey let go of the young man’s hand, got into the car.‘See you tomorrow, Bernard.’

‘See you tomorrow, Sir Humphrey’ Holding the umbrella, Bernard watched the taxis driving away.

...

Meanwhile, the Minister's chauffer-driven car had just arrived at his apartment in London. George the driver helped Jim to open the car door and went to carry the red boxes. Meanwhile, a champagne - brown Jaguar zoomed across the street in front of them.

‘What a posh car. Jaguar. I wonder when I can afford one.’ Jim muttered casually.

‘Posh car indeed, Sir. Sir Humphrey has got an indigo one, but I've only seen him drive it a couple of times.’ George replied.

Jim was appalled.


	9. Carpe Diem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This happened during the end of Season 1 of Yes Minister.
> 
> Jim was sure the secretaries were hiding something from him, but only to find out...

‘It couldn’t be Humphrey, could it? I meant, even if it could, it wouldn’t, would it?’ Jim informed Annie about the indigo Jaguar the moment he entered home.

‘Humphrey watched football? Very unlikely indeed. You know there could be more than one indigo Jaguar in Britain.’ Annie's voice came from the kitchen.

‘Now in my memory, that shape did walk like Humphrey, with the self-righteous steps’

‘It was Bernard’s old mate, right? Maybe they all walked that way in Oxford, especially the ones in shape.’ Annie brought out the cookies.

‘Maybe you’re right, considering the beret and Chelsea scarves... Humphrey hates the French so much, he would never wear a beret.’

‘Chelsea scarf? Jim, you must have too much beer in the stadium. All Humphrey’s scarves must be Burberry or Savile Row or some other fancy brands from Harrolds’. Besides, you have questioned Bernard already, he didn't have to lie to you, did he? It's not a state secret or whatsoever.’

‘Yes...Humphrey won't lie to me either, he’d only use endless nonsense to conceal the truth from me.’ Jim took a bite of a biscuit. It tasted good. ‘Lucy is not home for the weekend?’

‘She's been busy with all sorts of social activities lately. I’ve told you the sociology major was a bad idea... ’

Remembering their bickering over the badgers, Jim snorted and munched on the biscuits.

In the following days, Jim kept an eye intentionally on his two most important secretaries, wondering whether they were hiding something from him. But it turned out a Mission Impossible, for the civil servants intended to keep the Minister in dark almost all the time, which was the normal practice of the Ministry. Now that Jim suspected, everything appeared suspicious. He noticed that his Permanent Secretary and his Principle Private Secretary did exchange an ambiguous look from time to time. When their serious discussion on political issues was interrupted by Bernard’s silly grammatical quibble, Humphrey would give Bernard an approving look; when Humphrey was saying something sounded like English but utterly unintelligible, Bernard would look at him with the greatest admiration. Bernard grinned furtively at the slightest nod from Humphrey and bowed his head when being patted by the latter on the shoulder. What were they doing? What was it? Bernard had stated that Sir Humphrey surely knew what he was doing, but Jim wished he would know what Sir Humphrey was doing.

One day, Jim walked into the office carefree, only to find Humphrey jumped up from the sofa, looking embarrassed as if he had been caught with trousers down. Then Humphrey admitted that he had something to tell him. Bernard stood by, face covered with ineffable words.

‘The secretaries' Big Secret is finally coming out!’ Jim was delighted with tremendous expectation! He thought he could enjoy such a moment of grilling a prevaricating Permanent Secretary, anyway, he asked Humphrey to make a clean breast of it.

It turned out to be a bolt from the blue!

It was Lucy! She made the biggest cock-up to end his political career!

Jim was desperate when he got the call from his daughter, but Humphrey rushed in and saved his life, well, political life, literally.

The afternoon was an eternity to Jim.

——

Before returning home, Bernard came to Sir Humphrey's office and found his boss still at his desk. He knocked at the door softly and entered.

‘Has the Minister left?’ having just rescued his master, Sir Humphrey was clearly in a cheerful mood.

‘Yes, Sir Humphrey, the Minister has gone home. There are just a few more files for you to check and approve. A few feasibility reports of the town bridge plan, the Minister's agenda for the next two weeks, and the list of officials attending the European Convention of Administration in Brussels next month.’

‘Ah, yes, my keynote speech. I’m rather looking forward to it.’ Sir Humphrey browsed through the files and made a few quick notes.

‘Er, Sir Humphrey, may I take the liberty of asking you a question?’

‘Go ahead, Bernard.’

‘Why did you help the minister, at the price of telling a lie? You always emphasize that it doesn't make any difference in this department who the Minister is... ’

‘It would teach him that there are some questions he should never ask, and he clearly learnt a little by the end of the day.’ Humphrey raised one eyebrow. ‘Besides, if such a scandal gets out, even thick-skinned as Hacker might be forced to resign, which is of no benefit to either of us. You might be sent to War Grave Commision, and I, as a Permanent Secretary who can't control a Minister, would never get the chance of becoming the Cabinet Secretary. Have some sherry?’

‘Yes, thank you, Sir Humphrey.’ Bernard never knew how serious his boss was whenever talking about his dooming future career, but this was the first time he had heard the post of Cabinet Secretary mentioned. 

Although Bernard understood that the throne of the Head of Service was the ultimate goal for all senior officials in Whitehall, he had always felt that it was as far away as a mirage. On second thought, it might just be out of reach for him, but definitely within reach for his boss. For the first time since joining the service, he realised that he had taken it for granted that Sir Humphrey would always be his boss, by his side to guide him, but the truth is, one day this Permanent Secretary might suddenly go to NO. 10 or even Brussels, leaving him at DAA all by himself. Feeling depressed by this idea, Bernard had a sip of the sherry.

No sooner than the wine was down his throat, Bernard was swept into Humphrey’s arms and pressed onto the table, followed by a sudden French kiss, urgent and hot. The sweetness of the sherry made him dizzy, and he heard the soft whisper: ‘This is the French we have learnt, isn’t it...’

‘I believe so, Sir Humphrey,’ Bernard fumbled to put down his glass as he kissed back enthusiastically, feeling excited for that Humphrey finally took the initiative once. Perhaps he should ignore all the glooming thoughts and live at the moment. _Carpe diem_, as the Latin aphorism goes. He pulled the senior’s silk tie out from under the waistcoat and began to untie the half-Windsor knot, gasping: ‘Sir Humphrey, will this... what’s going on between us... change...anything... ?’

Sir Humphrey nibbled the young man's ear lobe and mumbled in a hurried voice: ‘We are civil servant, Bernard, we don't want to see anything changed, at least that is the case for me and I think the principle also applies to you. This is a problem of professiona...lism ... ’ When uttering the last word, the seemingly lack of oxygen caused Humphrey to pause for breath. ‘The truth is, I wanted to hold you in my arms this way the first time I saw you, this has never changed all through the 10 years...’ this line, Humphrey did not speak out.

Bernard had never thought there would be a single moment that Sir Humphrey would fail to speak a single word coherently. More weirdly, such a cold word like ‘professionalism’ and the burning sparkles induced by the kisses produced a sharpe contrast, making it even more impossible for him to resist the overwhelming desire. ‘But...... I’ve sensed some changes...’ Bernard buried his head in the other’s chest, still working on the tie knot with his trembling hand, panting, ‘I used to think that if I could ever kiss you, once and for all, I would feel blessed enough for the rest of my life... But now... I want...I can’t help it... I want more, I want you more... Sir Humphrey... This bloody waistcoat... ’

Such straightforward words out from the reserved civil servant would undoubtedly be lethaly shocking, even for the Permanent Secretary who had experienced a lot. Humphrey found himself tongue-tied, and it was extremely uncommon that he did not know what to say. He was aware of that his reason was abandoning him at Bernard's passionate chasing, his left hand was caressing the young man’s nape and his right hand was almost under the other’s shirt... No! It must stop! Calm down! Think of something else... something safe, something sane, something sound...Work! Paperwork! The Red Tapes! He seized Bernard's hand violently, only to find that those hands almost managed unfastening the tie knot, and two loose buttons...

‘You can't just give people what they want, if it is not good for them... Bernard’, Humphrey gently released the man in his arms, regained his composure in no time, ‘But you did a jolly good job today.’

‘Er, Sir Humphrey, I... actually...I did’t do anything, it was you... initiated...dominated... That... I...... It's just... two buttons... ’ Failing to go further again, feeling desperately embarrassed, Bernard’s voice fading out.

‘No, I meant previously during work, what you said to the Minister when he was panicking.’ Sir Humphrey smiled affectionately, and mimicked Bernard's earnest tone while redoing his tie, ‘Minister, it's my job to see the chips stay up.’

‘Oh that, err, you heard me. Well, thanks, Sir Humphrey, thank you very much.’ Bernard was anxious to find a place to lay his hands at the awkward moment, saw his glass on the table, grabbed it to take another drink. In the past, whenever he had indicated to the senior about his loyalty to the Minister, he was never met with any satisfaction.

‘It's the duty of a Principle Private Secretary, to avoid crises.’ Humphrey smiled, ‘Would you like to come to Brussels, Bernard?’

‘I... Could I go?’ Bernard was a little surprised. ‘The Conference was always attended by civil servants restrictively, and the Ministers never attend. I have no reason to participate.’

‘There will be.’ Full of confidence, Sir Humphrey put on his coat, picked up his briefcase, walked over to Bernard. He fixed the young man's hair, which he had just ruffled, and said softly:‘See you tomorrow, Bernard.’ Then he strode out of the office.

—————

Jim was still in shock when he got home. Of course, Lucy did not come back, but went to another social activity with Peter somewhere.

‘So it was Humphrey who saved you? Why?’ Annie was used to Humphrey blocking Jim, and confused by his unexpected help.

‘I don't know. Probably he’s fond of me in a way? I really thought he did find some new development when he ran in brandishing files. Well, if there's something Humphrey doesn't want me to know, it's almost impossible for me to know.’

‘Humphrey run?!’ Annie's tone suggested that this was the most incredible part of all what happened to Jim today, not that their baby daughter was almost going to be on page 3 of _the Suns_ and made her father a political refugee.

‘Yes, I’ve never saw him run before, and I thought these Permanent Secretaries would move in only one way, with their haughty gait.’ Jim poured himself a glass of wine.

‘Well, the Oxford way.'

‘Hmm...Yes...’ Jim struggled to recall the blurred image he had seen at Stamford Bridge. It wasn't that he hadn't thought of asking Humphrey directly. After what happend today, however, even if it was indeed Sir Humphrey, he wouldn't want to go after it anymore.

Then Jim opened the red box. The first file came into his eyes was an approval file for Bartletts bank to set some new branches in the west... 

‘Ah, old Sir Glazebrook...that ignorant buffoon...’

——-

Weeks later

‘Bernard, I'm going to my constituency in Birmingham the week after next. The opening of a branch of Bartletts Bank will bring a lot of investment and jobs, which is a good chance to get more votes... I meant.. Popularity... Er... support. I'm going to cut the ribbon in a bank, visit some factories and shake hands with the local voters...er... people.’ Jim cheerfully instructed Bernard to fill in his diary.

‘Yes, minister. You don't have any important appointments in that period of time yet. You are in the Third Order for the Parliamentary Question that week, and Sir Humphrey is going to Brussels on those very few days. There are no important arrangements in the department.’ Bernard did not know why he mentioned Brussels, subconsciously glancing at Humphrey.

‘In that case, Bernard could go to Brussels with our DAA's delegation.’ Sir Humphrey, sitting opposite to the Minister, took up the matter in a purely businesslike tone, as if the idea had just come out of nowhere. Bernard could feel an Air Force of butterflies in his stomach. Although it was already hinted that he could go to Brussels, but he did not expect to be there without the Minister. ‘Bernard would appreciate the opportunity to go to the EEC headquarters to witness the diligent public servants working hard towards the goal of European ideal...’ Sir Humphrey was still carrying on with his bureaucratic jargon.

‘I thought you said that Senior Civil Servants never believe in European ideal, Humphrey.’ Jim interrupted, winking wryly.

‘As a humble vessel, my personal opinion is completely insignificant. Since you -- our Minister of DAA, the elected representative of Great Britain -- believe profoundy in the European ideal, therefore, Bernard and I and all the 23,000 civil servants of the DAA are obliged to do our best to accomplish our duty and carry out the policies of our Lord without a second of hesitation.’ Humphrey said serenely.

‘Well, then... Bernard you can go. I fathom out that you're not going to my constituency anyway. Take the chance to enjoy the champagne and smoked salmon, and help me to note how many people doze off while listening to Sir Humphrey’s tedious, prolix, lengthy speech.” Jim said sourly,“By the way, don't forget to book the train to Birmingham for Frank and me, thank you.’ 

‘Well, Mr. Weasel just accepted the new quango appointment two days ago and now should be exploring the Caribbean... ’Bernard reminded his Minister.

‘Oh, yes! I forgot. Frank's gone. ’ all of a sudden Jim felt abandoned by everyone around him. His pitiful eyes flitted back and forth between Bernard and Humphrey, like a golden retriever dog begging for adoption between two potential masters,‘Is it really impossible for Bernard to come with me? Humphrey?’

‘Minister!’ Humphrey, already irritated by Jim’s reckless sneer that his speech would be hypnotic, put on the most authoritative tone, ‘As the Permanent Secretary of DAA, I have no right to give any opinion or advice about anything you intend to do when you are in your constituency with the MP hat on. However, with all due respect, Minister, if you order one of the Whitehall Civil Servants to engage in the despicable political vote-grabbing solicitation, it will be an outragerous abuse of public resources, leading to disastrous consequences and devestating repercussions...’ Looking at Jim's expression shifting from sorrow to slight ire, Humphrey immediately realised that overreact would do no good. He softened dramatically and drawled with the patronizing smile:‘Minister, considering that your original purpose of this trip is to make some positive publicity for HMG, taking Bernard with you will probably backfire and give the journalists an opportunity to write more irritating nonsenses... "

Jim was rather reluctant, but he had to admit that Humphrey had a point. After all, most political correspondents in Fleet Street knew that Bernard was his PSS in Whitehall and should not attend any party events. ‘Do I really have to be alone? ’ Jim groaned miserably again.

‘We might be able to do something... ‘Sir Humphrey leaned his chin and narrowed his eyes for a few seconds of contemplation. ‘Ah yes. I can, I meant, the department can arrange for an Under-Secretary to accompany you, Sarah Harrison. She is very capable and very sound. She is newly promoted therefore has never been seen in public before, so the media would not know her, unlike Bernard or Peter, who are already familiar with journalists. This way, you don't have to worry about the preparation of the paperworks or speeches. I'll arrange for her to work on your squalid vote-grubbing.... I meant, touring of populous West Midlands.’ Humphrey chuckled.

Despite the sarcatism in Humphrey's words, Jim was relieved to have a reliable official come with him on the trip. After all, he was no longer the editor of _the Reform_ and had not written a speech himself for a long time. ‘Thank you, Humphrey. So it will be. Bernard go to Brussels with you and Sarah come with me. Please book our train tickets to Birmingham, Bernard. Thank you.’

‘Yes, Minister.’ Bernard took a peek at Sir Humphrey. Although the Permanent Secretary was still gazing at the Minister politely, a twitch of his lips could not be hidden.

(TBC)

** 珍惜当下 ** _不如怜取眼前人_

一回到家，Jim 就对 Annie 说了自己的震惊和疑惑。“这有可能吗？不太可能吧……就算可能，也不应该啊？不会吧，会么？”

“Humphrey 去看足球？的确不太可能，你确定你没有看错？” Annie 的声音从厨房传出来。

“回想起来，我看到的那个身形走路的样子跟 Humphrey 很像，那种自认为高人一等的步子”

“也许他们牛津人都那么走路，尤其是身材好的。” Annie 端出了小饼干。

“有可能，还有贝雷帽，切尔西围巾…… Humphrey 最讨厌法国人了，他不太可能戴贝雷帽” Jim 无视了 Annie 对 Humphrey 身材的赞赏。

“切尔西围巾？ Jim 你一定喝多了看错了。他们高级文官的围巾应该除了 Burberry 就是 Savile Row 的吧，或者其他什么哈罗德卖的高级玩意。再说，Bernard 也没必要骗你呀，又不是什么国家机密。”

“Humphrey 也不会对我说假话，只会用各种废话来掩盖真相。”Jim 拿起一块饼干咬了一口，味道不错，“Lucy 又不在？”

“她最近晚上都忙着参加社会活动，我就说过不该让她学社会学……” Annie 又开始翻旧账了。

Jim 想起上周末 Lucy 还说要抗议撤销獾保护区的事，哼了一声没说话，默默嚼着饼干。

接下来的几天，Jim 经常提醒自己去注意秘书们，想知道他们到底瞒着自己什么。但是这显然是个不可能任务，因为秘书们几乎无时无刻不瞒着自己什么，这简直就是部里的常规操作，尤其一旦开始刻意留心，便处处都显得可疑。他发现自己的常务秘书和私人秘书的确时不时交换一个暧昧的眼神。有时 Bernard 在他俩讨论工作时插嘴无聊的文法问题，Humphrey 却一脸赞赏；有时 Humphrey 念叨着完全不像英语的超级长难句，Bernard 却两眼放光；Humphrey 一个微微颔首，Bernard 就偷偷咧嘴；Humphrey 拍拍 Bernard 的肩膀，Bernard 就脸红低头。他们真的瞒着他什么，到底是什么呢？

这天，Jim 无忧无虑地走进办公室，Humphrey 却忽然从沙发上跳起来，一脸尴尬仿佛做坏事被抓现行一样，说有事要告诉他。Bernard 站在旁边，表情也写满了难言之隐。

“秘书们的大秘密终于要揭晓了！” Jim 心里充满期待！面对难得支吾的常务秘书，他一边催促对方快点进入正题，一边心里暗爽，原来你 Sir Humphrey 也有说话不利索的时候，难道说，自己终于可以知道他们到底在背后密谋什么……

结果，晴天霹雳！

居然是 Lucy 整出的幺蛾子，发起抗议！还裸体！这下真的要断送自己的政治生涯了！

Jim 接到女儿电话时已经绝望了，但是 Humphrey 居然跟 Lucy 说了几句话就把他救了…… 

这风云变化，一天对 Jim 来说漫长得像一个世纪。

———

回家之前，Bernard 来到 Sir Humphrey 的办公室门口，看到上司还在伏案工作。他敲了敲门，轻轻走了进去。

“大臣走了吗？” 刚刚救了主子一命的 Sir Humphrey 显然心情不错。

“Yes, Sir Humphrey，大臣已经回家去了。这里还有几份文件需要您过目一下。主要是几份城镇桥梁规划的可行性报告，大臣后半月的主要日程安排，还有下个月部里去布鲁塞尔欧洲行政大会的名单。”

“啊，对，我的主题发言，还真有些期待呢” Sir Humphrey 拿过文件翻了一下，随手批注了几笔。

“呃，Sir Humphrey，我想冒昧地请教一个问题？”

“说吧，Bernard”

“您今天为什么宁愿说假话要帮大臣？您不是一直说，谁当大臣对咱们部里根本没有区别吗……”

“为了让他明白，不该问的不问。” Humphrey 扬起半边眉毛，“而且，这个丑闻如果闹出去还是影响太大了，就算是 Hacker 这样的厚脸皮，也说不定会被迫辞职，这样的污点对你我的职业生涯都没什么好处。你也许会被发配到战争丧葬委员会，而我，作为一个连大臣都管不好的常务秘书，是永远没机会去当内阁秘书管首相的。来杯雪莉酒吧！”

“谢谢，Sir Humphrey” Bernard 永远不知道上司的话里有几分认真，但这是他第一次听到内阁秘书的位子被提及。虽然他明白文官头子的宝座是所有白厅高层的理想，但他一直觉得那很遥远。转念一想，也许只是对他自己遥不可及，对他的上司而言也许近在咫尺。入职这些年来他第一次意识到，Sir Humphrey 并不会永远是他的上司，也许有一天他会忽然去唐宁街 10 号或者布鲁塞尔，把自己留在 DAA 。这个念头让 Bernard 有些忧郁，他接过递过来的雪莉酒，碰杯，抿了一口。

刚把酒咽下，Bernard 就被对方一把搂进怀里，推到了桌边，紧接着是一个突如其来的法式香吻，急迫而热烈，雪莉酒的清甜让他天旋地转，他听到对方低声轻语：“这就是我们在法语课上的所学吧……”

“我想是的，Sir Humphrey” Bernard 一边热烈地回吻，一边摸索着放下酒杯，心里为上司终于主动了一回而欢呼雀跃，刚滋生的虚无飘渺的离愁别绪立刻被抛到九霄云外。也许珍惜当下就好了吧，就像那句拉丁文 Carpe Diem。他庆幸自己刚才随手锁了门，就放肆地把上司的丝质领带从马甲中扯了出来，开始攻克半温莎结，一边喘息着问：“Sir Humphrey，你我……这么做……会……改变……什么吗？”

Sir Humphrey 轻咬年轻人的耳垂，语气急促地嘀咕着一本正经的长句子：“我们是文官，Bernard，至少对我来说不希望看到任何改变，我想这个原则也适用于你，这是我们的职业……素养……”，在说最后一个词时，似乎是缺氧造成的气息不均让他为了呼吸而暂停了一下。“事实上，我在第一次见到你时就想这样拥你入怀了，这个念头这 10 年从没改变过……” 这句话，Humphrey 并没有说出声。

Bernard 从没想过 Sir Humphrey 还有无法连贯说出一个单词的时候，而且还是这么一个冷冰冰的单词，与这火花四射的拥吻产生了强烈反差，让他更加无法自持。“可是……我觉得我变了……”Bernard 把头埋进上司的胸膛，一边用颤抖的手继续跟领带结作斗争，一边呢喃着说：“我以前以为，只要能吻您一下，就今生无憾了……可现在……我变得……更想要……想要……您了，Sir Humphrey……这碍事的马甲……”

这么直白的话对于生性含蓄的文官来说当然有可怕的杀伤力，即使是曾经沧海难为水的常务秘书也难以幸免。 Sir Humphrey 一时语塞了，而他很少有不知道该说什么的时候。他知道自己的理智就要在 Bernard 的攻势中溃不成军了，他的手几乎就要伸向年轻人的衬衣下摆……不行！必须停下！深呼吸！想点别的！啊，工作！报表！公文！他猛地抓住了 Bernard 的手，半温莎结几乎失守了，衬衣纽扣也松开了一颗……

“不能因为人们想要什么就给什么，如果这对他没有好处的话……Bernard” Humphrey 温柔地松开了怀里的人，气息几乎恢复了平顺， “不过，你今天的表现很不错。”

“呃，Sir Humphrey，我……还没来得及做什么，都是您……在主导……那个……我……只是……一颗纽扣………”突破防线再次失败，Bernard 难免有点沮丧，声音又小得连自己都听不见了。

“不，我是指之前工作时，在大臣恐慌的时候你说的话。” Sir Humphrey 又宠溺地笑了，一边重新打领带，一边模仿 Bernard 的诚恳语气说：“大臣，我的工作就是避免这样的危机发生”

“哦，那时，原来您听见了。呃，谢谢。” Bernard 正不知道该把手放哪儿，看到桌边自己的酒杯，赶紧抓过来又喝了一口。以往每次当他跟 Sir Humphrey 提起自己作为首席私人秘书要忠于大臣时，对方可基本没给过什么好脸色。

“这就是一个首席私人秘书的天职，避免危机。” Humphrey 忽然眼中放光说：“你想一起来布鲁塞尔吗，Bernard？”

“我……能去吗？” Bernard 有点意外，“行政大会一向都是只有文官参加的，大臣历来是不出席的，我没有理由去吧。”

“理由，总会有的。” Sir Humphrey 信心满满，他穿上外套拿起公文包，走到 Bernard 身边，理了理年轻人刚刚被自己弄乱的头发，温柔地说：“明天见，Bernard。”然后大步流星地走出了办公室。

\---------

Jim 回到家时还有点惊魂甫定，Lucy 当然也没回来，又跟 Peter 去参加不知哪里的另一个社会活动了。

“所以，Humphrey 把你救了？为什么？” Annie 习惯了 Humphrey 打压 Jim，忽然出手相助让她也很疑惑。

“我也不知道，他挥舞着文件跑进来时我还以为他真的找到了新进展。” Jim 找出了一瓶还剩一半的威士忌，“如果有什么事他不想让我知道，我真的很难知道。”

“Humphrey 居然会跑！” Annie 震惊的语气说明，这才是 Jim 今天所有遭遇最不可思议的部分，而不是他们的宝贝女儿要去裸体示众并让老爸变成政治难民。

“我的确从没见过他跑，我以为这些常务秘书只会一种移动方式，就是那种高傲的步子。” Jim 给自己倒了一杯酒，小酌起来。

“哈，那种牛津人的步子，就像你说的。”

“Hmm……” Jim 又努力回忆了一下在斯坦福桥见过的那个身影，印象已经十分模糊了。他也不是没想过直接问 Humphrey ，但经过了今天的事，就算那个人真的是 Humphrey ，他也不想追究了。

Jim 打开红箱子，首先进入眼帘的是一份关于 Bartletts 银行要在西部地区开设分行的审批文件……啊，又是 Glazebrook 这个老笨蛋……

———

几周之后

“Bernard，我下下周要去伯明翰选区，Bartletts 银行的分行开业，可以带来很多的投资和就业机会，这是个拉拢选票……哦不……抢夺曝光率……呃……收获支持率的好机会，我要去为银行剪彩，再去几个工厂参观发表点讲话，跟选民们……哦不……老百姓们握握手啥的” Jim 兴高采烈地指挥着站在桌边的 Bernard 填补自己的日程安排。

“好的，大臣。您也还没有什么重要的预约，那周的议会质询您在第三排，正好那几天 Sir Humphrey 也要去布鲁塞尔，部里都没什么大安排。” Bernard 也不知道自己为什么主动提起了布鲁塞尔，下意识地看向另一位上司。

“既然这样，那么 Bernard 就跟 DAA 的代表团一起去布鲁塞尔吧！” 坐在大臣对面的 Sir Humphrey 一幅公事公办的语调接过话茬，仿佛这个念头只是刚刚凭空冒出来的一样。Bernard 的心里却是惊涛骇浪，虽然上司已经早就暗示过会带他去布鲁塞尔，可他没想到是不用带大臣，只带他。“Bernard 也应该到欧共体总部去看看勤劳的人民公仆是如何为欧洲团结励精图治做贡献的……” Sir Humphrey 还在继续他的官腔官调。 

“我以为你说过高级文官都不相信欧洲团结，Humphrey” Jim 打断了他，挤眉弄眼地挖苦道。

“作为一个卑微的公器，我个人的观点完全微不足道。既然您——我们的行政大臣，大不列颠的民选代表——对于一个欧洲的理念深信不疑，那 Bernard 和我乃至 DAA 的全体 23,000 名文官就只有义不容辞地履行自己的职责，毫不犹豫地贯彻执行政策主公的政策就好了。” Humphrey 平静地说。

“那么，好吧…… Bernard 你也去吧，反正你也不会跟我去选区的，那就去享受香槟和熏三文鱼吧，再帮我数一数有多少人在 Sir Humphrey 进行那枯燥冗长的主题演讲时能坚持不打瞌睡。” Jim 酸溜溜地说：“别忘了帮我和 Frank 订好去伯明翰的火车票，谢谢。”

“呃，Weasel 先生前两天刚接受了新的 quango 任命，现在好像在加勒比海地区考察……” Bernard 小声提醒大臣。

“啊，对！我忘了，Frank 走了”Jim 忽然觉得自己被身边所有人抛弃了似的，“Bernard 你真的不能跟我去吗？” 可怜巴巴的目光在 Bernard 和 Humphrey 两人的脸上来回扫，那眼神如同一只卖萌的大金毛在两个主人之间求认养……

“大臣！” Humphrey 本来就因为 Jim 竟胆敢说他的演讲催眠而憋了一口气，这下立刻甩出了最具权威的语调：“当您作为一个下院议员进行选区活动时，您的任何所作所为，我作为 DAA 的常务秘书自然无权提出任何意见或建议。但是，您若动用白厅的文官进行卑鄙的政党拉票勾当，不仅会对本部门造成灾难性的恶劣影响，而且媒体也绝不会放过您滥用公共资源的行为，这可能会产生无法估量的后果和反响……” 看着 Jim 的表情由哀转怒，Humphrey 立刻意识到也不能过激，语气瞬间一软，又慢悠悠地说：“考虑到您此行的本来目的是为了给女王的政府做积极的公关宣传，带 Bernard 去很可能适得其反，让舰队街的人口诛笔伐……”

Jim 虽然极度不情愿，但他也不得不承认 Humphrey 说的有道理，毕竟主流媒体的时政记者都知道 Bernard 是他在白厅的首席私人秘书，不能参加政党活动。“难道我真的只能一个人去吗？像个光杆司令似的，也太没面子了。” Jim 又唉声叹气起来。

“我们也许可以想想办法……” Sir Humphrey 托着腮，眯起眼睛沉思了几秒钟，“有了，我可以，我是说，部里可以安排一位政务次官跟您同行，Sarah Harrison。她很能干也很踏实，因为是新提拔的所以之前从没在公众面前出现过，媒体都不认识她，不像 Bernard 或是 Peter 那样已经被时政记者们所熟悉。这样一来，您也不用担心没人替您准备文件或者讲话稿了，您的所有发言都会出自白厅文官的专业手笔。我马上就去安排 Harrison 夫人跟您对接这趟选区拉票之旅……哦不……西部重镇视察的工作。” 

虽然 Humphrey 的话里免不了夹杂了冷嘲热讽，但是有个可靠的文官陪同自己出差还是让 Jim 安心了不少，毕竟他离开《改革》杂志的主编位置好些年了，不知多久没亲自写过讲话稿了。“好吧，Humphrey ，那就这样吧！Bernard 跟你们去布鲁塞尔， Sarah 跟我一起去选区。Bernard, 记得帮我们订到时候去伯明翰的火车票，谢谢。”

“Yes，Minister” Bernard 偷看一眼 Sir Humphrey，后者的目光虽然还落在大臣身上，但是嘴角一抹微笑已经藏不住了。

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After watching the show and the book for the first time, I totally shipped Jim/Humphrey. However, people changes. LOL This story is reserved for Humphrey/Bernard so Jim is 100% straight. I am not capable of dealing with the bizarre love triangle.


	10. Brussels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A jealous Bernard got lucky.
> 
> 吃醋的伯纳德有糖（肉）吃～

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This happened early in Season 2, based on the canon, this conference took place in April in the book.

Sir Humphrey had a keynote speech today, and he couldn't wait to fly away the day before yesterday. The minister's train to Birmingham left in the afternoon, and Bernard, who had been working in the office until noon, dragged his suitcase to Heathrow airport, only to learn that Air France had gone on strike again, consequently, his flight had been cancelled...

‘These unsound French, no wonder they want to build the channel tunnel...’ Bernard checked the notice board while complaining in silence. The only other option was KLM in three hours. The most expensive ticket wasn't a problem, it would be reimbursed anyway, but the flight wouldn't arrive until 18:30. Reluctantly, he called his hotel in Brussels, left Graham a message about his flight change, and then went to the airport cafe.

Sitting at a loss, he couldn’t help thinking of a series of questions: Why does Sir Humphrey want me to go to Brussels? Why not bring the minister? Did Sir Humphrey want to go further? Is he willing to go further? Dare he go further? Will he regret it? All those questions, of course, were unanswerable.

Several hours later, Bernard was standing in front of his hotel room eventually. Graham opened the door for him. ‘I'm sorry I have to run now. A beautiful Italian lady is waiting for me at the dinner party.’ Graham smirked, adjusted his bow tie in the mirror and left.

Bernard took a shower and stood in front of the bathroom mirror to wipe himself dry. He could not remember when the last time it was that he had a scrutiny on his own naked body. In his late 30s, he thought he was reasonably fit, though Sir Humphrey appeared better, at least when dressed. The voice of his boss praising for the football player's abs echoed by his ears. Bernard looked helplessly at his abs, pursed his mouth, and continued to examine his shape with Sir Humphrey’s voice lingering in his head, and the comments, of course, was about Bernard's body now: ‘Strong chest, firm shoulders, muscular arms…very good, Bernard, Oh, keep your stomach in, that’s right. Now let's take a look under the bathrobe... ’ A certain body part was awakened correspondingly and Bernard immediately snapped the Sir Humphrey in his mind: I have to put on trousers immediately for the dinner party! He turned on the cold tap and put his head into the rushing water.

*

The cocktail dinner of the European Community lived up to its reputation, champagne and snacks were both delicious and exquisite. Perhaps because this meeting was restrictedly participated by officials, there was no confused minister to be taken care of, so everybody was relaxed and relish the party. Bernard shoved among conversations of one language to another, looking for his pals in the hall full of drinkers chattering and laughing. Graham was chatting with a sexy brunette who must be the Italian lady he mentioned earlier. Mandy was listening in admiration to a French officer boasting of his experience as a pilot in the war; Peter was discussing with a Luxembourg man about which word processor had better compatibility ... Everyone was enjoying themselves.

Bernard was trying to find Sir Humphrey to apologize for being late, but he didn't catch a glimpse of him. Surely he had no intention of disturbing the others, so he wandered idly out of the hall, taking the champagne with him and went to the balcony to immerse himself in the evening breeze.

‘Humpy, how long has it been since the last time we met?’

A strange voice, with a foreign accent. There was someone in the balcony! Someone's with Sir Humphrey! Bernard unconsciously eased his pace and stopped in the shade of a huge pillar. He did not know why he was hiding, but his legs could not retreat. He adjusted the angle so to see the back of the two figures by the railing.

‘Thirty years, My Lord.’ That’s the familiar voice, and this time the voice is in the darkness, not in Bernard’s head.

‘My Lord? In this sense, should I call you Sir Humphrey? For god's sake, Humpy, even if you have stopped answering my letters a dozen years ago, come on.’ The man moved closer to Sir Humphrey, put one hand on the latter’s shoulder.

Sir Humphrey, untouched by the move, turned to the other and said peacefully, ‘We're all old now.’

‘Yes, Humpy,’ the man said with a smile. ‘Your hair starts turning grey now.’, then reached out and touched Sir Humphrey's hair behind the ear.

‘But you are still a blond. It must be a comfortable, carefree life to inherit a peerage, nothing to worry about,’ Humphrey sniffed, shaking his head to get rid of the hand raking his hair. He no longer addressed the other as My Lord, and he cut off the official politeness as well.

‘Guilty as charged, a peerage is indeed fantastic. Speaking of hair, I saw Jumbo yesterday, almost failed to recognise him. He has changed the most in the trio.’ the man drew back his hand and leaned against the railing. Bernard hide back without looking.

‘Alas.’

‘The brevity is not your style, Humpy. I guess you don’t want to talk about the trio.’

‘The trio was a tragedy.’ Sir Humphrey sighed. ‘I've never played the piano in front of anybody again.’

‘It seems that your definition of tragedy is still different from mine.’

‘There are always various things we'll never define the same way, Klaus,’ Sir Humphrey said.

So the name is Klaus! Bernard murmured.

‘At least we're alive, Humpy, not killed by the war or Soviet nukes. You graduated with a first-class degree from Oxford and got knighted. I inherited the title and the manor. We both have families of our own. life is wonderful, isn't it?’ hearing no reply from Humphrey, Klaus went on, ‘Die Forderung, geliebt zu werden, ist die größte der Anmaßungen.’  
(_note: The demand to be loved is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions. –Nietzsche_)

‘Es ist leichter, einer Begierde ganz zu entsagen, als in ihr maßzuhalten.’ Sir Humphrey said slowly.  
(_note: It is easier to renounce a desire altogether than to measure it. –Nietzsche_)

‘You still speak German so perfectly.’

‘Your English has picked up an accent again.’

There was an awkward silence, and the cool evening breeze made Bernard shrink his neck.

‘Is Jumbo still your second best friend, Humpy?’ A straightforward question.

‘Yes, Klaus.’ A straightforward answer.

Bernard grew increasingly nervous, somewhat regretful for eavesdropping. The spring night in Brussels was chilly but his hand with the goblet started sweating. No chance to step back. Although he was infinitely curious about everything about Sir Humphrey, he was not sure whether he was mentally prepared enough to know the completely unknown past of this permanent secretary.

‘Oh? So you have a new best friend now?’ Klaus implied.

‘Yes.’ Sir Humphrey laughed, ‘my wife.’

Klaus cackled. Then it all came to another moment of suffocating silence, which grated on Bernard and made he wanted to fill it with shouting. Finally, Klaus said: ‘I'm afraid I’ve got to go. Prost, to the good old days, Humpy.’

Bernard heard the glasses clinking, adjusted his position around the pillar cautiously, and waited for Klaus to enter the hall.

‘I am most certain that Nietzsche is very familiar to you, Bernard,’ Sir Humphrey knew he was there!

Being stunned for a second, Bernard strode promptly to his boss. First time in Brussels, he could carefully examine the well-dressed permanent secretary, still amazed at how elegant and charming the man looked. He could not make a sound when he opened his mouth, so he took a sip of champagne instead.

‘So even though you had missed my keynote speech, you would not miss my other private conversation.’ Humphrey's tone was rather casual.

‘I'm honestly sorry, Sir Humphrey,’ Bernard said, hanging his head, failed to make an acceptable excuse and gave up on defending himself. But jealousy overcame the fear shortly; he looked up and gazed into the senior’s dark brown eyes with a long list of questions growling in his heart: ‘Who is he? How did you meet? What was the trio? Are you a good pianist? What were your good old days? Is your wife really your best friend? So what is it between us? What did you ask me to come to Brussels for? What am I to you? …’ All the questions were on his lips, but he didn't dare to ask any of them.

‘The answer is 42.’ Sir Humphrey said suddenly.

‘42?’ Bernard was at a loss.

‘The minister gave you the task of counting how many people were awake during my speech. The answer is 42.’ Sir Humphrey raised his eyebrows. ‘There were 42 people in the room, and not a single one of them dozed off.’

‘Oh, that's terrific. I was sure your speech would be extremely successful, and I'm really sorry I have missed it.’

‘Now we should go back into the party and socialize with the others. ’ Sir Humphrey took a glance at his watch, ‘Come on, Bernard, there are some people I'd like you to meet. Since you were absent this afternoon, now is the best chance.’ Sir Humphrey stepped toward the banquet hall, and Bernard hurried after him.

*  
Bernard sank wearily into the bed and buried his head in the pillow. Graham gave him a confident wink at the end of the party when informing him that he would be late and possibly even wouldn't be back to his room until the next morning. 

Now that his roommate was absent, Bernard finally become alone. He wanted very much to cry, but what should he cry for? He asked himself: If it was jealousy, was he entitled any right to be jealous? Who was he jealous of? Klaus? Lady Appleby? Even Jumbo? Sir Humphrey might never tell him the answer to any of the questions, what's more, he might never have the courage to ask, all he could do was solely to tolerate.

Tolerate...

Toleranz ist ein Beweis des Mißstrauens gegen ein eigenes Ideal.  
(_Note: Tolerance is distrust of one's ideals. -Nietzsche)_

Bernard suddenly sat up, walked out directly and rushed to the elevator. The elevator had not come yet, fearing that the precious courage extracting from Nietzsche would be wasted in waiting, he dashed up the stairs. Sir Humphrey's room number was learnt by heart even before he left London. Less than a minute, he arrived at his destination out of breath and rang the bell.

‘Just a moment, please.’ came the answer, Bernard's heart was in his throat. He heard the man’s footsteps approaching and sensed the man looking through the peephole. Bernard stared into the floor. 

The door opened.

‘Bernard, it's you,’ said with a soft voice, Sir Humphrey showed no intention to reproach his abruptness.

Coming into Bernard's eyes, there were first the fluffy hotel slippers, then the legs with water dripping on the curly hair, then the white plush bathrobe of the hotel, then a wet Sir Humphrey still wiping his hair. A sweet flourish smell flowed out.

‘Ah, a rose-scented snow leopard...’ Bernard thought to himself.

‘Please forgive me, I just took a bath. It’s pretty late, anything urgent?’

‘Sir Humphrey... I...... ’ Bernard, whose breath had not yet be caught after running up the stairs, was taken away completely by this erotic scene of the senior coming out of the bath. ‘I had a lot of questions to ask you, but now... I can’t remember any... ’

Saying nothing, Sir Humphrey pulled Bernard into the room, locked the door and turned off the lights. He walked over to the bed, sat down, and watched the young man standing in front of him. Waiting in silent, the sparkling eyes reflected the last warm yellow light of the bedside lamp.

Most of the time, Bernard could not understand the expression of the Permanent Secretary, but at this moment, he was sure that he fully understood it: an inquire, an invitation, a favour, a desire...

Bernard walked over to Sir Humphrey and knelt in front of him, laying his hands on the latter’s thighs. His tie was pulled over immediately, and he caught the eyes of the predator. 

‘Are you sure this is what you want?’ The low-pitch voice.

‘Yes, Sir Humphrey, please drown this alcoholic with your brandy.’ Bernard started trembling. He took a deep breath and untied the sash of the robe; Sir Humphrey reached to the lamp cord.

‘Don't... I want to see you, ’ Bernard said, ‘and I want you to see me... ’

Humphrey's hand stopped and his eyes narrowed in confusion.

‘I want you to look at me, and think of me... Tonight, your eyes on me, your heart with me, only me...’ Bernard used up all the courage remnant to say this line, and the tears, which had been held back for no idea however long, eventually came out.

‘Oh, my dear Bernard...’ Humphrey's hand left the lamp cord and cupped Bernard's face, stroking his cheek and wiped away the tears tenderly.

‘Please say my name like that, Sir Humphrey, when making love’ Bernard said with a tearful smile.

‘Yes, my dear Bernard.’ Humphrey bent down to kiss the young man...

*

(Afterwards)

‘Oh…my God… that was... heavenly...’

They were lying naked in bed, lazily half covered by the quilt, Bernard's head tucked in Humphrey's arms.

‘Not God, Bernard, it's only me, your boss in Whitehall and your lover in the bedroom.’ Humphrey chuckled, toying with a wisp of his hair, and laid a gentle kiss on his forehead.

‘Why are you on top of me on both occasions?’ Bernard muttered, his two fingers turning into little legs, walking through Humphrey's chest hair.

‘Well, I would prefer to be the one on top in no matter any occasion. You’ve known me long enough to have learnt that. ’ Humphrey softly giggled.

‘And you're bigger than me.’ Bernard said, feigning annoyed and depressed.

‘Yes, I am. So if you sue me for sexual harassment, I'll be in big trouble. Though I do remember that we did reach the consensus initially.’ Humphrey yawned, still studying how many circles can a wisp of hair make around his index finger. ‘Anyway, in less than 20 years, you'll be a permanent secretary as well. My dear Bernard, all you need is a little patience. 20 years in government will be gone by in a flash.’

‘I didn't mean the official positions; I mean... the size...’ Bernard blushed again.

‘Oh... ah… ’, Humphrey paused for two seconds, ‘in this respect, you know what people say, size doesn't matter, skills are more important.’

‘But I don’t know anything about skills either.’ Bernard pursed his lip, wishing that he had attended the on-going various sex education courses which schoolchildren now enjoy.

‘You’re marvellous, Bernard, and you’ve done great for the very first time. Just shut up your brain and follow your heart, let the instinct guide you.’ Humphrey said reassuringly, ‘Anyway, in less than two months, you'll be experienced enough, my dear Bernard, and all you need is a little patience,’ Humphrey grinned with closed eyes,‘Besides, you have an excellent mentor. I guess sex is the only thing I've grasped without training, it’s all human nature.’

‘More like animal nature’ Bernard couldn’t help quibble.

‘Now I feel like to have a cigarette. It has been more than 30 years.’

‘What has been more than 30 years? The last time you slept with a man?’ Bernard could not suppress his curiosity.

‘Oh, that too. But I was talking about cigarette.’ Sir Humphrey chuckled.

‘I guess we could ask for room service. But before that, my excellent mentor, could you please go on with your lessons now? I am an eager learner.’ Bernard raised his face close to Humphrey's, smirking.

‘Right now? Another round?’ Humphrey was overwhelmed, ‘Bernard, have you forgotten my age? I’m too old for this.’

Moving his hand into the quilt, tracing down the senior’s firm abs and even lower, Bernard stared into Humphrey’s eyes, grinning naughtily, ‘and I think Sir Humphrey Junior here doesn’t agree with your opinion on that point. You're the Permanent Secretary… PERMANENT… which means always on call.’

‘You're a private secretary, who is supposed to be sound rather than seductive.’ Humphrey took a gasp, and resigned to enjoy the stroking of Bernard’s hand, ‘and…you can question my vitality, but you can never doubt my professionalism. Seemingly it’s inevitable that one has to do one’s best to fight for the reputation of the Permanent Secretary of Whitehall.’ Humphrey rolled over and held the young man under him again.

Feeling the weight and warmth of his boss, the hot mouth nibbling his shoulder and curly chest hair rubbing his back, Bernard felt all the unasked questions ceased to exist now.

There is me, only me. Bernard fell into another ecstasy.

(To be continued)

Chapter 10 布鲁塞尔  
  
Sir Humphrey 今天有主题报告，借口还要倒时差，前天已经迫不及待地飞走了。大臣去伯明翰的火车下午出发，Bernard 在部里忙到了中午。当他拖着旅行箱到了希斯罗机场才知道，法航又罢工了，他的航班取消了。  
  
“这些不靠谱的法国人，难怪他们总想修海峡隧道……” Bernard 一面在心里埋怨，一面查看通知板。剩下的唯一选择是三小时后的荷兰航空了，机票最贵倒不是什么问题，反正可以报销，但是那趟飞机18:30 才到。他无奈地找了电话打到布鲁塞尔的宾馆，给 Graham 留言说了自己飞机改签的事，然后来到机场的咖啡馆继续发呆。说是发呆，其实一直都在胡思乱想：Sir Humphrey 为什么要让我去布鲁塞尔？为什么还不带大臣？他是想更进一步吗？他愿意更进一步吗？他敢更进一步吗？他会不会到时候又后悔了？

这些问题当然没有答案。  
  
几小时后，Bernard 终于到了酒店房门口，Graham 帮他打开了门，他已经换好正装了：“啊，Bernard，你终于来了。不好意思我得先走一步，有位意大利美女在晚宴等着我，你也快点来吧！” Graham 得意地笑着，对着镜子又调整了一下领结，就离开了房间。  
  
Bernard 冲了个澡，站在酒店浴室的镜子前擦干。在家照镜子往往都是出门前匆匆整理一下头发或衣服，他都不记得上次仔细打量自己的胴体是什么时候了。走到了30多岁的尾巴，他一向自认为身材还算保持得不错，但比起年长快10岁的上司，似乎还是对方的身材更好，至少穿着衣服时如此。Humphrey 赞扬足球运动员腹肌的语调又响起在耳边，他无奈地看着自己的小肚子，撇了撇嘴，视线继续在镜子里的身体上游移…… 而上司的声音一旦在脑海中响起，似乎就挥之不去了，接下来评论的当然不再是足球运动员，而是 Bernard 的身体：“结实的胸肌、魁梧的肩膀、强壮的胳膊，注意收腹 Bernard~ 让我们来看看浴袍下面……” 某个部位瞬间有了反应，Bernard 立刻打断了脑海中的 Sir Humphrey ：我还得穿裤子去参加晚宴呢！ 他打开冷水龙头，直接把脑袋放下去冲。  
  
*

欧共体的鸡尾酒晚宴果然名不虚传，无论是香槟还是小吃都非常美味。也许因为这次参会的都是文官，没有什么糊涂大臣需要照顾着，所以大家很轻松地吃喝聊天。Bernard 在谈笑风生的各国语言交谈者中穿梭着寻找着自己的伙伴。两圈转下来，Graham 跟一个丰满的黑发美女聊得正欢，看来就是之前提过的意大利姑娘；Mandy 一脸崇拜地听着一位法国官员吹嘘着自己曾经的飞行员经历； Peter 跟一位卢森堡同行探讨着哪一种文字处理器比较好用…… 每个人都乐在其中。

Bernard 本想着找 Sir Humphrey 道歉自己迟来的事，却没看见人在哪儿。他当然无心打扰其他伙伴们，只能无所事事地走出大厅，拿着香槟来到后面的阳台吹吹晚风。  
  
“Humpy， 我们多久没见了？” 

一个 Bernard 没听过的声音，带着一点外国口音。原来阳台上有人！有人跟 Sir Humphrey 在一起！他下意识地把脚步放轻，站在大柱子后面，他也不知道自己为什么要躲起来，只是腿已经挪不回去了。他调整一下自己的角度，可以看到靠在栏杆上的两个背影。  
  
“30 年了吧，阁下。” Bernard 最熟悉的声音，这次是在夜幕中，不是在脑海里了。  
  
“阁下？难道我应该叫你 Sir Humphrey？ 看在上帝的份上，就算你十几年没回过我的信了，Humpy，别这样。” 那人向 Sir Humphrey 靠近了一些，手放到了他的肩上。  
  
Humphrey 对肩膀上的手无动于衷，只是转脸面向对方，温和地说：“我们都老了。”  
  
“是啊，Humpy，你头发都开始白了”那人伸手去撩了一下 Sir Humphrey 耳边的头发，Bernard 的眼睛睁得更大了。  
  
“可不像你啊，依然是一头金发，看来继承了爵位的生活很舒适嘛，没什么需要操心的” Humphrey 甩了甩头摆脱掉还在抚摸他头发的手，嗤之以鼻地说。他不再称呼对方阁下，也褪去了文官的繁文缛节了。  
  
“这我承认。说起头发，我昨天看到 Jumbo 了，他可是三重奏里变化最大的一个” 那人收回了手，靠在栏杆上。Bernard 赶紧往后躲了躲，也没敢细看那人的长相。  
  
“Alas，是的。”  
  
“这么简洁可不是你的风格，Humpy”  
  
“三重奏的结尾可谓是悲剧” Sir Humphrey 叹了口气：“我再也没有在外人面前弹过钢琴了”  
  
“看来你对悲剧的定义依然跟我不一样。”

“我们对某些事情的定义都永远不会一样，Klaus ” Sir Humphrey 终于说出了对方的名字。

“咱们至少都还活着，Humpy，没有在战争中流离失所，没有被苏联人的核弹轰平。你拿着牛津的一等学位顺利毕业了还授勋了，我也继承了爵位和庄园。咱们都拥有了自己的家庭，生活很美好，不是吗？” 见 Humphrey 没说什么， Klaus 顿了顿，说了句德语：“Die Forderung, geliebt zu werden, ist die größte der Anmaßungen.”

（注：被爱的需求是最大的假设——尼采）

“Es ist leichter, einer Begierde ganz zu entsagen, als in ihr maßzuhalten. ”Sir Humphrey 缓缓说。

（注：放弃一个欲望比衡量它更容易——尼采）

“你的德语说的还是这么好。”  
  
“你的英语却已经又有口音了。”

一阵尴尬的沉默，微量的晚风让 Bernard 缩了缩脖子。

“Jumbo 还是你第二好的朋友吗，Humpy？” 一个直接的问题。  
  
“是的，Klaus。” 一个直接的答案。

Bernard 在暗处越来越紧张，他有点后悔自己的偷听了，布鲁塞尔的春夜很冷，他捏着高脚杯的手却开始冒汗。已经没机会后退了，虽然他对关于 Sir Humphrey 的一切都无限好奇，但是他不确定自己是否有足够的思想准备去了解他那完全未知的过往。  
  
“哦？这么说，现在有个新的最好的朋友？” Klaus 弦外有音地问。  
  
“是的。” Sir Humphrey 哈哈笑着说：“我妻子。”  
  
Klaus 也跟着大笑起来，但随后两人又有一阵子都不再说什么，在令人窒息的安静中，Bernard 连呼吸都小心翼翼。终于，他听到 Klaus 说：“我得走了，为了美好的旧时光干一杯吧，Humpy”  
  
Bernard 听到了清脆的碰杯声，然后调整自己的方位，绕着柱子等着 Klaus 走进了宴会厅。

“我想，尼采你应该很熟悉吧，Bernard ” Sir Humphrey 居然早就发现他了。

Bernard 愣了一下，快步走到 Sir Humphrey 身边，终于可以细细端详盛装打扮的上司了，他依然惊叹于对方的优雅和迷人。他开口想说话却发不出声音，于是喝了口香槟。

“看来你虽然错过了我的主题报告，却没错过我的其他私人谈话。” Sir Humphrey 的语调十分轻松。

“我很抱歉，Sir Humphrey ” Bernard 无力辩解，只能低头等着被责备。但醋意终究还是压过了恐惧害怕，他又抬起头望向那双深褐色眼睛，心里咆哮着一长串问题：“他是谁？你们怎么认识的？你们的美好旧时光究竟是什么？三重奏是怎么回事？你的琴弹得有多好？你妻子真的是你最好的朋友吗？那我们之间到底是什么？你叫我来布鲁塞尔到底是为了什么？” 所有的问题都涌到了嘴边，他却没有勇气把任何一个问出口。

“答案是42。” Sir Humphrey 忽然说。

“42?” Bernard 不知所云。

“大臣交给你的任务，数数我主题报告时有几个人没睡着，答案是42。”，Sir Humphrey 挑了挑眉，“当时会场里有42个人，没有一个人打瞌睡。”

“哦，那真是太好了。我一直坚信您的报告会非常成功，很遗憾我错过了。” 

“我得回去跟其他人寒暄了。来吧，Bernard ，有几个人我想介绍给你认识一下。因为下午你迟到了，现在是最好的机会了。” Sir Humphrey 迈步走向宴会厅，Bernard 赶紧跟了过去。

*

Bernard 一个人疲惫地栽倒在床上，把头埋进枕头。Graham 在晚宴快结束时自信满满地对 Bernard 挤了挤眼睛说他会很晚回，甚至不回房间了，看来跟意大利美女发展得很好。既然室友不在，他终于可以一个人待着了。他非常想大哭一场，但是他应该为什么而哭呢？如果说是嫉妒，他是否有资格嫉妒？他到底是在嫉妒谁？Klaus？Lady Appleby？甚至 Jumbo？Sir Humphrey 也许永远不会告诉他那十万个为什么的答案，更有甚者，他自己也许永远没有勇气问出口，只能继续这样忍着。

忍着……

Toleranz ist ein Beweis des Mißtrauens gegen ein eigenes Ideal.  
（容忍是对自己理想的不信任。-尼采）

Bernard 忽然坐起身，径直走出门，奔向电梯。电梯迟迟不来，他害怕这源自尼采的宝贵勇气在等待中被消磨殆尽，转身就冲上了楼梯。Sir Humphrey 的房号他还在伦敦时就烂熟于心了，他上气不接下气地到了目的地，按了门铃。

“请稍等” 门里传出回应，Bernard 紧张得的心到了嗓子眼。他听到上司的脚步声走过来，感到上司透过猫眼看了看，他忍不住闭上眼睛低下了头，门开了。

“Bernard，是你啊” 温柔的声音，看来他的冒失并没有带来一丝责备。

Bernard 轻轻睁开眼睛，眼前看到的是毛茸茸的宾馆拖鞋，然后是卷毛上还沾着水滴的小腿，然后是宾馆的白色毛绒浴袍，然后是一手开着门一手还在擦头发的 Sir Humphrey，清馨的香氛随着开门扑鼻而来。

“啊，玫瑰香味的雪豹……” Bernard 在心里想。

“不好意思我刚洗完澡，这么晚了有什么急事吗？”

“Sir Humphrey……我……” Bernard 本来就还没有从跑上楼梯的喘气中调整好呼吸，这下更是被眼前出浴的上司迷得头晕目眩了，“我原先有好多问题要问您，但是现在已经……全忘了……”

Humphrey 没有说话，把 Bernard 拉进了屋，锁上了门，随手关掉了屋里的灯。他径自走到床边坐下，静静地看着站在眼前的年轻人，深褐色的眼睛中映射着床头台灯那最后一抹暖黄色的光。

常务秘书的表情，Bernard 多数时候都读不懂，但是这一刻，他非常确定，自己完全明白：那是询问、是诉求、是宠爱、是渴望……

Bernard 走到 Sir Humphrey 面前，慢慢跪下。他的领带被抓了过去，迎上了猎食者的目光。

“你确定这是你想要的吗？”

“是的，Sir Humphrey ，让我这个醉鬼溺死在您的白兰地里吧……” Bernard 的声音在发抖，他开始解对方浴袍的带子，Humphrey 侧身要去关台灯。

“别……我想看着您，”Bernard 说：“我也想要您看着我……”

Humphrey拉绳子的手停住了，疑惑地眯起了眼睛。

“我想要您看着我，想着我……今晚，眼里，心里，只有我……” Bernard 用尽了残存的所有勇气说出了这句话，忍了不知多久的眼泪瞬间涌了出来。

“哦，我亲爱的 Bernard……” Humphrey 的手离开了台灯绳子，回身来捧起 Bernard 的脸，用拇指轻轻拭去他溢出的泪。

“请一直这样唤我的名字吧，Sir Humphrey ”Bernard 含泪笑着说。

“好的，我亲爱的 Bernard” Humphrey 吻住了年轻人……

*

（事后）

“哦，我的上帝啊”

两人赤身躺在床上，被子凌乱地盖着，Bernard 的脑袋枕在 Humphrey 的臂弯里。

“并不是上帝，只是我，Bernard。你在白厅的上司，卧室里的爱人。” Sir Humphrey 笑着玩弄着年轻人的一缕头发，轻吻了一下他的额头。

“为什么在两种场合你都是上面的那个？” Bernard 喃喃地说，两根手指头变成小人的腿，在 Sir Humphrey 的胸毛丛中走来走去。

“哦，无论在任何场合，我都希望自己是在上面的那个” Sir Humphrey 轻声咯咯笑起来。

“而且你还比我大。” Bernard 佯怒娇嗔地说。

“是的，我比你官大。所以你如果去起诉我性骚扰，我可就有大麻烦了。”Humphrey 漫不经心地说，还在研究着年轻人的一缕头发能在自己的食指上绕几个圈，“无论如何，再过十几年，你肯定也会成为常务秘书的。我亲爱的 Bernard，你只需要一点点耐心，在政府里的十几年一转眼就过去了。”

“呃，我不是说职务，我是指的……尺寸……” Bernard 又羞红了脸。

“啊……” Humphrey 语塞了两秒钟，“就这一方面而言，你知道人们常说的，尺寸无所谓，主要看技巧。”

“技巧我也几乎一无所知。” Bernard 撇了撇嘴，郁闷自己生不逢时，没赶上现在英国年轻学生们享受的丰富教育。

“你做得很好，Bernard ，只需让你可爱的小脑袋停止思考，然后跟随你的内心，让本能带路。再过不到两个月，你就会有足够的经验了，我亲爱的 Bernard，你只需要一点点耐心，” Humphrey 望着天花板，扬起了眉毛，咧嘴笑着说：“再说，你有一个优秀的导师，这可谓是唯一一件我没有通过训练就掌握了的事情。只是人类的天性罢了”

“应该说是动物的天性更确切” Bernard 又忍不住钻牛角尖了。

“现在我真想来支烟，这该有 30 年了……” Sir Humphrey 打了个呵欠。

“30年？什么事情 30 年了？” Bernard 忍不住好奇地刨根问底。

“呃，我本来指的是烟。不过，你想的另一件事，也是” Sir Humphrey 苦笑了一下。

“我想香烟可以叫客房服务送来。但是在那之前，我的好导师，先继续上课吧！” Bernard 把脸凑到 Humphrey 脸边，调皮地说。

“现在？立刻？” Humphrey 看起来有些招架不住，半开玩笑地说：“Bernard，你忘了我有多老了么？”

“你可是常务秘书，常务——意味着随时待命” Bernard 自己都震惊于自己说出来的话有多么厚脸皮。

“你也是个私人秘书，你应该稳重，而不是这么挑逗。” Humphrey 戏谑地说，“你可以质疑我的精力，但不能质疑我的职业素养，看来为了白厅常务秘书的名誉，我必须迎战。” 

所有那些不曾问出的问题，在这一刻都不存在了。

“是我，只有我” Bernard 再次陷入了狂喜。

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not sure about the accuracy of those Nietzsche quotes. I copied and pasted them from random German websites. I’m sorry if there’re mistakes. I’ve forgotten all the Deutsch I’ve learnt in university.
> 
> I guess 42 is too few for a keynote speech, but it’s my very first fanfic and I’d like to pay some tributes to one of my favourite writers.
> 
> If you can’t imagine Sir Humphrey in bath, check the movie ‘Richard III (1995)’. The scene of Sir Nigel in bathtub is really a treat for the eyes.
> 
> Scientists have reported that homosexuality is rather commonplace in animals too, so it is nature. Therefore, make love, not war.


	11. The Trio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still in Brussels, some of Bernard’s question are answered, and there would be a major change in Humphrey’s life.

Bernard's eyelids rose up slowly like a stage curtain, came to realise that it was already dawn. He was still in Sir Humphrey’s arms, face buried in the warmth of the senior’s soft hairy chest, arms around the senior’s bare waist. He did spend the whole night with Sir Humphrey. Splendid!

Bernard remembered having read somewhere, that loving someone was not the desire to sleep with him every night, but to wake up by his side every morning. Bernard rarely lied in. He tended to sit up, got dressed and went to work in one swoop. Now in this milky morning light, however, the greatest motivation for him to go to work every day was in the same bed with him, he had a perfect reason to stay in bed.

Humphrey was still peacefully sleeping, his long thick eyelashes quivering gently with the subtle rise and fall of body, tiny stubble beginning to bud around his elegant chin. Bernard’s attention was unavoidably attracted to the soft lips, which had planted numerous fervent kisses all over his body last night, eliciting all the irresistible moaning, whining, whimpering, even occasional screaming. The sound and images sprung up in his sleepy mind, made him half-aroused, and moreover, slightly sheepish, as he was the only one in bed who couldn’t help making the noises. Meanwhile the senior, devouring the young body, still calmly comforted him through the whole process with his magical soothing words, ‘I’ve always fancied your lovely little dimples’, ‘You’re even lustier than I imagine, my dear Bernard’, ‘Relax, the pain will ease’, ‘Slower, young man, take your time’, ‘Do you know how gorgeous you are, my dear Bernard’ ... and when the panting became pressing, he heard his name repeated in a hardly audible low groan that finally escaped, ended with a slight sigh, saying ‘my angel...’. 

With no intention to wake up his bedmate, Bernard leaned over to lay a chaste kiss on the other’s lips, and the movement of his thighs did induce some pain. But Bernard felt that was all right, even somehow sweet, as the pain was the evidence that everything did happen in reality rather than his dream. Then propping up on one elbow, Bernard gazed at the other man with eyes gleaming with joy, wishing this moment last forever.

‘Bernard, stop staring at me and giggling fatuously when I’m sleeping, it’s cute but a little bit creepy’ Humphrey murmured, without opening his eyes.

‘Why? Good morning, Sir Humphrey. ’ Bernard didn't stop giggling or staring.

‘Because you'll fall in love with me.’ Humphrey squinted and smiled complacently, his bantering tone made Bernard feel as if that was exactly his goal. ‘I have 90% of my charm in words, 9% in action, and the other 1% in sleep. You already know abundantly about the 99%. Therefore, If you get full knowledge of the other 1%, you're incorrigible.’ Then he kissed Bernard on forehead before the latter could utter any stupid line.

Bernard decided it was best to drop the words and resort to actions, so he snuggled his head onto Humphrey's shoulder, touching the curls behind Humphrey’s ear naughtily with his nose, and took a deep breath...

‘Stop it, ticklish…’

‘It never stroke me that you would be the ticklish type.’ Reducing his boss to plain words, Bernard sensed a slime hope of triumph. His fingers began to linger around Humphrey’s naked body in search of the sensitive spots.

‘Hey, stop it, I meant it...’ resigned to that he had no chance to sleep anymore, Humphrey tried to strike a commanding tone, and hide from Bernard's harassing hands, both in vain. ‘You’ve learnt too fast...’ Humphrey giggled regrettably. 

Bernard hopped over his back like a wolfhound puppy, licking, poking and tweaking all over the exposed skin deftly. ‘I finally got on top!’, he declared in pride when succeeded in cornering Humphrey to curl up into a ball, laughing uncontrollably under the duvet.

Humphrey never knew he would be ticklish, and he had no idea why he couldn't stop laughing, and he didn’t even know he could laugh like this.

Just then, the doorbell rang.

Bernard was startled. Humphrey sat up and gave him a ‘Hush’ look.

‘Room service. Sir Humphrey, your breakfast is ready.’ Said the man at the door.

‘Ok, Kevin, just a moment.’ Humphrey got up and picked up his bathrobe among the clothes scattered on the floor. He mouthed to Bernard, ‘Behave,’ and walked to the living room of the suite.

How could he know the name of every waiter? Bernard thought. Thank god his boss lived in a suite, or he would have to sneak into the bathroom under such occasion. He heard the plates on the coffee table and the two men saying thanks to each other. Sir Humphrey must have given Kevin a fat tip.

‘Bernard, would you like something to eat?’ Sir Humphrey come back, yawning, ‘I have to take a shower first. There's coffee and some little sandwiches on the coffee table. Help yourself.’

Bernard nodded, but did not move. Listening to the sound of the water coming from the bathroom, he was pondering how courageous it would be if he just sneaked in and join the shower now. No sooner had the idea occurred to him than he felt the blood rushing down towards a certain part of his body again.

Suddenly, the bedside telephone rang. Bernard picked up the receiver reflexively. ‘Hello,’ he realised he had made a mistake the moment he uttered the first word, but it was too late.

‘Woolley?’ The voice on the other end of the line was astounded but still full of authority, Bernard knew immediately who it was.

‘Yes, Sir...’

‘Shut up!’ Sir Arnold snapped and ordered, ‘did you spend the night in Humphrey's room? If so, say 'Pardon?' ’

‘Pardon?’ Bernard's hypoxic brain was unable to cope with the commanding Cabinet Secretary, and could only answer mechanically.

‘I see. You'll tell Humphrey it's somebody called the wrong number. Never let him know I’ve made this call, or you can imagine the consequences. If you understand, say 'Ok, sorry, goodbye'. ’

‘OK, sorry, goodbye.’

The line went dead. Bernard was not sure what happened.

‘Did I hear the phone?’ Sir Humphrey, soaking wet, poked his head out of the bathroom and looked at Bernard doubtfully.

‘Uh, yes, Sir Humphrey, someone called the wrong number.’

‘Thank goodness, you are not supposed to answer it anyway.’ Humphrey said, relieved, raising an eyebrow naughtily. ‘You don't seem hungry, why don’t you take a shower too?’

Bernard leap right over there.

‘Hurry up, I have a meeting with the Greek representatives later... ’ having not finished his sentence, Humphrey's voice broke into a content soft sigh.

‘It's time to excel your charm with action, Sir Humphrey, my good mentor.’ Bernard mumbled, on his knees.

*

‘My tie is ruined.’ Bernard looked at his wrinkled tie, helplessly.

‘Oh, you bit it yourself, don't blame me,’ Humphrey jested without turning his head. He was staring intently at himself in the mirror, polishing the curl above his forehead, ‘I did suggest that you should bite the pillow instead, but you didn’t hear me, probably too carried away?’ a chuckle full of complacency, ‘Or perhaps it was my fault, I should have stripped you off completely right from the beginning. Sorry, I was too impatient to remove your attire, you were too alluring’

Bernard's face, of course, blushed immediately, and his eyes lit up suddenly, ‘Oh? Is that the tie I gave you last Christmas?’

‘Yes, indeed, my dear Bernard.’ Sir Humphrey smirked. 

‘I don't recall having seen you wear it before. I thought you dislike it.’

‘I told you I liked it, Bernard, I liked it very much.’ Humphrey walked over to Bernard slowly, whispering in the tantalising low pitch, ‘Because every time I look at this tie, I would see the look in your eyes on that Eve, and I would think...I couldn’t help imaging… how your eyes would look up to me when you take me on your knees. The desire was too excruciating and infuriating.’ Humphrey said in the velvety tone that was almost aphrodisiac to Bernard’s ear. ‘Just like what we did in the bathroom just now... that sort of fantasy would be very inappropriate in the ministry’

‘Why didn't you tell me? I would have made your fantasy, also my fantasy as well, come true, long ago...’ Bernard, being ferociously turned on again by the most concupiscent words he had ever heard from this man, desirously pressed their lips together again.

‘Hey, don’t mess up my hair...’ Humphrey chortled and dodged, ‘By the way, you can wear mine.’ Humphrey pulled his Bailey tie out of the closet. ‘It's a little different from yours, but I don't think anyone will notice.’ Humphrey slipped the tie around Bernard's neck and gave him a perfect half Windsor knot. Bernard stood still like a well-behaved schoolkid, gazing into the smiling brown eyes and grinning in the scent of the cologne that smelled really expensive.

‘You have to go back to your room to grab the suit, right?’ Humphrey picked up his suitcase, ‘What are you going to tell Graham?’

Bernard completely forgot about the existence of his roommate. ‘Maybe he didn't come back all night either. If he's lucky, that's what he told me.’

‘I hope so. Bernard, I think I need to make a severe statement,’ Humphrey's voice turned serious, like they were in the office. ‘If Graham, or anybody else, asks where you've been, regardless of what you say, you've never been in my room last night. Is that clear?’

‘Of course. Sir Humphrey. ’ Bernard nodded, thought of the phone call and swallowed.

*

When the morning meeting ended, Graham told Humphrey that the permanent secretary of the FCO had invited him to take a walk in the Royal Greenhouse after lunch, and Humphrey showed up in time. Jumbo said anxiously the moment he saw Humphrey, ‘Do you know what you have done, Humpy?’

‘Did I screw up the quota negotiation with the Greek? Red wine or olive oil?’ Humphrey was at loss.

‘Not government business, but your own folly. I walked by your silly boy in the hallway today and sensed your luxurious cologne. My nose is the best!’ Jumbo eyed Humphrey solemnly, ‘He’s wearing your tie as well, isn't he? We bought that tie together a couple of years ago! You can fool the others, but not me.’

‘Ah,’ Humphrey regained his composure in a few seconds. ‘Come on, Jumbo, let's find a tranquil place to proceed with this pleasant conversation.’

The Royal Greenhouse in Brussels was open to the public for only three weeks a year. Now, with only a few days to go before it opened, the flowers were already blooming, senior Civil Servants attending the EEC conference certainly appreciated the privilege of seeing it without the crowds of civilians. It was the siesta time, there was hardly anyone in the Greenhouse.

‘Because of Klaus, right?’ Jumbo spoke first. ‘I have met him in Brussels frequently enough in the last decade and I know that he is still the way he is. But you, Humpy, after all these years hiding from him, and finally make up your mind to encounter him, did you still find him attractive?’

Humphrey ignored Jumbo's question, but looked at the hyacinth in front of them, replied with another question slowly, ‘Jumbo, do you know why I haven't avoided him this time? ’

Jumbo shook his head.

‘You know, 30 years ago, I was naive enough to give up my scholarship and even my Oxford degree to go elope with him, but he broke up with me the moment his family threatened to disinherit him. It was his choice. Anything he wrote to me later was immaterial. Action is more important than words; I should have realized that way earlier. However, I was too weak, and I knew that if I ever faced him I would be enchanted by his charm again, so I decided that I would never see him, but I could not help answering his letter. I still dwelled on his sweet words and cherished the memory of our trio.’

‘I probably can say that I understand, Humpy, I had been there as your third wheel for that whole year.’

‘However, then I met Bernard, well, you were there too. Since then, I never wrote to Klaus again.’ Humphrey said with a faint smile.

Jumbo opened his eyes wide.

‘I knew almost nothing about the boy initially, I just couldn't put my finger on what attracted me. But it was that moment I laid my eyes on him, the ingenuous smile, the innocent way he looked at me. For the first time in many years, I gained the strength, and I could be true to my heart, saying I was over Klaus.’

‘I see.’

‘I didn't mean to take any action, just enjoy this secret, well, sometimes teased with only you. But when I found out that the boy also adored me, things got a little out of hand...’ Humphrey sighed. 

‘Tricky.’ Jumbo said, ’So, does Maud know?’ Jumbo knew that Maud and Humphrey were having a lavender marriage with mutual understanding.

‘I've mentioned Bernard to her occasionally since he joined DAA, and she's fine with it.’ Humphrey smiled, ‘She said I was a sound man who knew what I was doing.’

‘So, Humpy, do you really know what you're doing? More importantly, do you know what you want from this relationship?’

‘I'm not sure, Jumbo. I know I'm not a young college student anymore, and I know my career is on the line.’ Humphrey sighed, ‘actually, I hardly ever think about what I want... Instead, I constantly think about what he wants.’

‘Crikey, Humpy!’ gasped Jumbo, ‘I thought you were just having a fling, but now it seems too serious.’

Humphrey gave a wry smile.

‘Humpy, as an old friend, I would give you my unconditional support as always, but you have to take care. As there's something really important I have to say to you today,’ Jumbo paused, ‘I've been offered a post in Brussels and I'm taking it.’

This time, Humphrey's eyes widened in shock.

‘As you know, I am never really intrigued to the chair beside the PM’s in cabinet meeting, so Brussels fits me better. Arnold has permitted me. In about a month or two I will leave London and move here.’

‘Well, that's great, congratulations, Jumbo. I am sure you would enjoy the smoked salmon here.’

‘Thank you, Humpy. It's been up in the air for a while. I've been hesitating, concerned for the FCO and moreover, you.’ Jumbo gazed into Humphrey's eyes. ‘People think that you are the sound one and I’m the grumpy one. But in fact, you and I both knew that when the real trouble emerged, you were the vulnerable one and I was the one to protect you, right, Humpy?’

‘Indeed, Jumbo’ Humphrey nodded, his eyes gleaming with gratitude.

‘From now on, you have to protect yourself. And when you cannot cope with it, remember to ask for help.’ Jumbo said earnestly.

‘ I’ll call you now and then, probably wake you up during your siesta napping.’ Humphrey tried to use a chuckle to conceal the emotion, but failed.

Jumbo smiled, then raised his eyebrows, ‘By the way, do you know what I thought when I saw Klaus yesterday, I was wondering whether you could give me a small farewell ceremony...’

*  
Bernard asked the hotel concierges for the location of the piano room. As he got closer, he heard piano and string music. Graham told him the permanent secretary was to be found there in case of emergency, however, the papers in Bernard’s hand was nothing urgent at all. He just wanted to know where his boss/lover was. At the door of the piano room, he knew that at least some of his unasked questions had answers then. Here was the trio: Jumbo the cello, Klaus the violin, and Humphrey the piano. All three were immersed in their music, probably written by their own, cause Bernard had never heard of that extremely beautiful piece before. Humphrey's slender fingers danced deftly over the keys, with his body swaying slightly to the music. That was another question being answered, Bernard thought. Sir Humphrey played masterfully, like a professional musician. _I’m in love with a true artist._ When the music ended, Humphrey opened his eyes reluctantly and saw the young man, slightly surprised, then gave him a warm smile that made Bernard think all his childish jealousy was ridiculous. Bernard stayed silent and motionless, nothing else mattered now.

Humphrey tapped the keys again and broke the silence, and a few simple notes popped up from the fingertips. Jumbo frowned incredulously, as if he had heard something absurd, mouthing ‘What the bloody...?’. Klaus looked up in surprise, noticing the young man at the door, aware of the situation, gave Bernard a meaningful wink. Soon enough the strings chimed in the melody.

This music is nothing classical, but a pop song, The Rose.

_Some say love it is a river_  
_That drowns the tender reed_  
_Some say love it is a razor_  
_That leaves your soul to bleed_  
_Some say love it is a hunger_  
_And endless aching need_  
_I say love it is a flower_  
_And you its only seed_  
_It's the heart afraid of breaking_  
_That never learns to dance_  
_It's the dream afraid of waking_  
_That never takes the chance_  
_It's the one who won't be taken_  
_Who can not seem to give_  
_And the soul afraid of dying_  
_That never learns to live_  
_When the night has been too lonely_  
_And the road has been too lon_g  
_And you think that love is only_  
_For the lucky and the strong_  
_Just remember in the winter_  
_Far beneath the bitter snow_  
_Lies the seed that with the sun's love_  
_In the spring becomes the rose_

_  
_

——

Chapter 11 三重奏

Bernard 的眼帘像缓缓升起的舞台幕布一样打开，晨光刚刚能透过酒店的窗帘。他还在 Sir Humphrey 的怀里，脸颊埋在对方胸前，胳膊搂着对方的腰。他们居然真的共渡了一夜，不可思议！

Bernard 想起在哪里读过，爱一个人并不是每个夜晚都想跟他一起入睡，而是每个清晨都想跟他一起醒来。平时 Bernard 从来没有赖床的习惯，他喜欢一睁眼就直接坐起来，迅速洗漱穿戴好了去工作。而今天，让他努力工作的最大动力就在他的身边，他有充足的理由赖床。

枕边人还在睡着，浓密的长睫毛随着呼吸的起伏而轻轻地颤动，优雅的鼻子呼出的热气让 Bernard 的脸颊有点发烫。性感的下巴上已经冒出了星星点点小胡茬，柔软的唇昨晚在 Bernard 身上布满了滚烫的吻，让他发出各种难为情的声音。温柔的耳语充满魔力，于床第之间安抚他的紧张情绪：“我一直喜欢你这可爱的小酒窝，我亲爱的 Bernard ”、“你比我想象的还要壮”、 “放轻松，我亲爱的 Bernard ”、“慢慢来，年轻人”、“哦，Bernard ，你知道你有多迷人吗？” 当 Sir Humphrey 的气息变得粗重而急剧，Bernard 唯一能听到的只有不断重复的自己的名字，最后是一声轻柔的叹息：“我的天使”……

Bernard 轻轻凑过去要吻他，又不忍心吵醒他，就只是纯洁地碰了碰。然后用胳膊肘撑着脑袋，痴痴地看着眼前的人，希望这个美梦永远不要醒。

“Bernard，不要盯着我睡觉的样子傻笑，这是挺可爱的，但也有点诡异。” Humphrey 轻声呢喃，并没有睁开眼。

“为什么？早上好，Sir Humphrey ” Bernard 并没有停止傻笑。

“因为你会不可自拔地爱上我的。” Humphrey 像猫一样眯着眼，半开玩笑的语调却魅惑勾魂，仿佛在说这正是他所期望的，“我有 90% 的魅力在语言， 9% 的魅力在行动，剩下 1% 在睡着的时候。那 99% 的部分你已经充分了解了，若是连那1%都知道了，你就无可救药了”。他没有给 Bernard 任何说蠢话的机会，搂过他吻了吻他的额头。

Bernard 觉得自己还是闭嘴比较好，就把脑袋枕到 Humphrey 的肩膀上，鼻子凑到他耳朵后面的卷发里，调皮地嗅了嗅，又深深呼吸了一口上司的气息……

“别闹，好痒……”

“我从没想过您会是怕痒的类型。” 听到天天在白厅口吐莲花操纵大臣的三寸不烂之舌说出这样的简单句，Bernard 灵光一闪，感觉自己终于有了占一次上风的微弱机会。他的手指头不安分了起来，开始寻找身边人的痒痒肉在哪里。

“嘿，住手，我是认真的……” Humphrey 自知没机会继续睡了，想摆出上司的威严语气，同时挪动身体想躲开 Bernard 的手，这两件事的努力都是徒劳。Bernard 像只小狼狗一样趴到他身上，灵巧地这里舔一下、那里戳一下，最后成功地把 Humphrey 逼得无处可退，得意地宣告自己的胜利：“终于被我逮住机会在上面一回了！” Humphrey 只能缩到被子里蜷成一团，无法抑制地哈哈大笑。

Humphrey 其实从来不是怕痒的类型，他也不确定自己为什么笑得停不下来，他也不记得自己上次这样放声大笑是什么时候了。

这时，门铃响了。

Bernard 吓了一跳，瞬间安静。Humphrey 坐起来，对他做了个“嘘……”的手势。

“客房服务。Sir Humphrey，您的早餐好了。”门外的人说。

“好的，Kevin，请稍等。” Humphrey 起身从散落一地的衣服里找到自己的浴衣披上，一边系带子一边用口型对 Bernard 说：“乖乖呆着”，然后走向套间的客厅。

他怎么会连每一个侍者的名字都知道。Bernard 暗想，幸好上司住的是套间，要不然自己可就得躲到洗手间去了。他听到盘子放到茶几上的声音，又听到两人互道感谢的声音，猜想 Sir Humphrey 又给了一笔不菲的小费。

“Bernard，你想来点什么吗？”Sir Humphrey 打着呵欠说，“我先去冲个澡，茶几上有咖啡和小三明治，你饿了就自己先吃点”

Bernard 点了点头，并没有动。浴室里传出了哗啦啦的水声，现在直接冲进浴室要求一起洗，算不算有魄力？这个念头刚刚出现，他就感到血液又在往下半身涌。

忽然，床头的电话铃响了。Bernard 条件反射一般地拿起了听筒：“您好”，话一出口他就意识到闯祸了，但为时已晚。

“Woolley? ” 电话那头的声音惊讶之余依然充满威严，他立刻知道了那是谁。

“Yes，Sir…”

“闭嘴！” Sir Arnold 打断了他，命令道，“你是在 Sir Humphrey 的房间里过夜了吗，如果是，就说 ‘Pardon?’ ”

“Pardon?” Bernard 缺氧的大脑显然无法应对，只能机械地回答。

“好的，我明白了。你待会告诉 Humphrey 这个电话是打错了，不许跟他说我打来过，否则后果你可以发挥想象。如果你明白了，就说 ‘Ok, 不好意思，再见’ 。”

“OK，不好意思，再见。”

电话那头挂断了。Bernard 还不确定到底发生了什么。

“是电话铃的声音吗？” 湿乎乎的 Sir Humphrey 从浴室里探出了脑袋，疑惑地看着 Bernard。

“呃，是的，Sir Humphrey，有人打错了。”

“谢天谢地，因为你不该接。” Humphrey 松了口气，扬起一边眉毛说：“你好像也不饿，要不要先来冲个澡？”

Bernard 立刻忘记了恐慌，直接大步跃了过去。

“我们得抓紧时间，我待会跟希腊代表还有个会……” Sir Humphrey 的话没来得及说完。

“现在是时候您用行动展示魅力了，Sir Humphrey，我的好导师。” Bernard 含糊不清地说。

*  
“我的领带毁了。” Bernard 看着自己皱巴巴的领带，无奈地皱着眉头。

“哦，那可是你自己咬的，别怪我。” Humphrey 头也不回地说。他正专心地盯着镜子里的自己，整理着额头上的一小撮卷毛，“其实我当时跟你说了，咬枕头比较好，但是你好像太投入了没听到。” 又是一声坏笑，伴随着溢于言表的得意：“也许是应该怪我，没耐心先把你扒光……因为你实在太诱人了……”

Bernard 的脸当然又红了，他看向 Sir Humphrey，忽然两眼发光：“哦？那是去年圣诞节时我送您的那条领带吗？”

“是的，我亲爱的 Bernard”

“我没见您戴过，还以为您不喜欢呢” Bernard 的大眼睛充满好奇。

“我告诉过你我喜欢，我亲爱的 Bernard , 我非常喜欢。” Humphrey 慢慢走到 Bernard 面前，声音越来越低，贴到了 Bernard 的耳边：“每次看到这条领带，我就会想起你把它给我时的情景，还有你那时的眼神，我就会忍不住幻想……幻想我们做刚刚做的事，幻想那种情况下你会如何看着我……在部里上班时，这样的念头显然太不合适了。”

“您为什么不早说，那就把您的……也是我的……幻想变成现实了……早已经……” Bernard 又把唇凑了上去。

“嘿……别弄坏我的发型！” Humphrey 咯咯笑起来，温柔地推开了年轻人，“对了，你可以戴我的领带 ”，Humphrey 从衣柜里拿出自己的贝利学院领带，“跟你那条稍有不同，但我想没人会注意到的。” Humphrey 轻巧地把领带套上 Bernard 的脖子，娴熟地打了个完美的半温莎结。Bernard 像个中学生一样乖乖地站着不动，只是凝视着上司带笑的眼睛、沉浸在古龙水的气息里咧嘴傻笑着。

“你得回房间去穿外套吧，对了，你准备怎么跟 Graham 解释？” Humphrey 开始收拾自己的公文包。

Bernard 这才想起来 Graham 这个室友的存在：“说不定他也一晚上没回，如果他幸运的话，他是这么跟我说的。”

“但愿如此吧。Bernard，我想我还是需要严肃地声明一下，” Humphrey 的语气忽然认真起来，宛如在白厅，“如果 Graham 或是任何人问起你去哪儿了，不管你如何回答，你从不曾来到我的房间，这件事咱们清楚吗？”

“当然，Sir Humphrey ” Bernard 点了点头，想起了刚才的电话，咽了咽口水。

*

吃午饭时，Graham 告诉自己的上司，外交部的常务秘书约他午饭后一起去皇家花园散步，Humphrey 如约而至。Jumbo 一看到他就劈头盖脸地说：“你清楚你做了什么吗，Humpy？”

“我搞砸了配额么？红酒还是橄榄油？” Humphrey 有点懵。

“不是说公事，是你自己的蠢事。我今天在会场走廊上跟你的傻男孩擦肩而过，闻到了你那奢侈的古龙水，我的鼻子最灵了！” Jumbo 瞪圆了大眼睛，“领带也是你的吧！那条咱们一起买的！你瞒得住别人，可骗不了我。”

“啊！” Humphrey 冷静了几秒钟，镇定下来，“走吧，Jumbo，咱们去里面找个地方慢慢聊。” 

布鲁塞尔的皇家花园，每年只对公众开放 3 个星期，每次都人满为患。现在距离开放的时间只有几天了，各种鲜花已经开始争奇斗艳。来欧共体参会的高级文官们当然可以享受提前一睹芳容的特权。多数人在午休时间都去小憩了，花园里几乎看不到什么人，Jumbo 和 Humphrey 找了个空旷处的长椅，在午后暖阳中坐了下来。

“是因为 Klaus ，是么？” Jumbo 先开口了，“我来布鲁塞尔开会时经常遇到他，知道他别来无恙。你躲了他这么多年，终于见面了。什么感觉？还觉得他风采依然么？”

“Jumbo，你知道我为什么这次不躲他了么？” Humphrey 并没有回答 Jumbo 的问题，只看着眼前的一片风信子说，“你也清楚，30年前幼稚的我愿意放弃奖学金甚至牛津的学位跟他走，他却一听到家里威胁取消他的继承权就跟我分手了，这是他的选择。他后来在信里写的的任何话其实都是无意义的，做什么比说什么更重要，我早就该意识到这一点。可是当年的我还是太软弱了，我知道我如果见了他就一定会再次被他迷惑，所以我不见他，但是我做不到不给他回信，我依然想听到那些甜言蜜语，想珍藏那段三重奏的回忆。”

“这些我大概都懂，Humpy，毕竟当年我一直是你们的电灯泡。”

“直到我遇到了 Bernard ，那时 Jumbo 你也在…… 我就再也没回过 Klaus 的信了。” Humphrey 淡淡一笑。

Jumbo 睁大了眼睛。

“显然刚开始我对那孩子基本一无所知，也说不清为什么。但是就是那时，那个下午在牛津第一次见到他时，他的眼神，他的笑容，让我感受到了力量，可以真正放下 Klaus ，发自内心地。”

“这样啊。”

“我从没有想过要真的做什么，只当他是我胡思乱想的寄托罢了，甚至偶尔你我之间开开无伤大雅的玩笑。只是后来发现那孩子也钟情于我时，事情就有点难以控制了……” Humphrey 叹了口气。

“真棘手啊！” Jumbo 说，“那么，Maud 知道吗？” Maud 就是 Mrs Appleby 。

“Bernard 来到 DAA 之后我偶尔跟她提起过，她没意见。” Humphrey 莞尔一笑，“她说我是个稳重的人，知道自己在做什么。”

“那么，Humpy，你真的知道自己在做什么吗？更重要的是，你知道自己到底想要什么吗？”

“我也不确定，Jumbo。我知道我早已不是年轻学生了，我明白我的事业会因此命悬一线。” Humphrey 低下头，“其实，我几乎并没有想过我想要什么，我更多时候是在想，他想要什么……”

“天啊，Humpy! ” Jumbo 倒吸一口气，“我本来以为你只是玩玩而已的，现在看来，你比我猜想的要认真得多。”

Humphrey 苦笑了一下。

“Humpy，作为老朋友，你的决定我都会无条件支持，但是你真的要小心啊。其实今天找你是因为还有件重要的事必须跟你说，” Jumbo 顿了顿，“布鲁塞尔给了我一个高层职位，我考虑接受了。”

这次换 Humphrey 惊讶地睁大眼睛了。

“你其实也知道，我的性格当不了内阁秘书，欧共体更适合我， Arnold 也同意了。大概再过一两个月我就会离开外交部搬过来了。”

“祝贺你，Jumbo ” Humphrey 笑了，“我就知道你会喜欢这里的熏三文鱼，真希望此刻咱们能碰一下香槟。”

“谢谢，Humpy，其实这件事已经悬而未决很久了。我一直在犹豫，主要是不放心外交部，也是担心你。” Jumbo 诚恳地说，“虽然在外人看来，你更可靠，而我的脾气爆。但其实你我都清楚，那只是一般情况。这么多年以来，但凡遇到真正的麻烦，你总是脆弱的那个，而我是保护你的那个人，对吧，Humpy？”

“绝对如此，Jumbo! ” Humphrey 的眼中闪烁着感激。

“所以，现在你要自己保护自己了，Humpy ，当你实在无能为力时，记得别死撑，去寻求帮助。” Jumbo 真挚地说。

“我会常给你打电话的，说不定专门挑你午休打瞌睡时骚扰你。” Humphrey 努力想开个玩笑来掩饰自己的离愁别绪，但是不太成功。

Jumbo 也不好意思地笑了，又眨了眨眼，“对了，你知道我昨天看到 Klaus 时想到什么了吗，我想要一个小小的告别仪式……”

*

Bernard 跟宾馆服务员打听到了琴房的位置，走近时就听到音乐声传来。Graham 告诉他常务秘书说有急事就去琴房找他，Bernard 手里那几份文件一点儿也不着急，他只是很想知道上司在哪儿。来到琴房门口，他知道他的某个问题有答案了，这就是他们说的三重奏：Jumbo 拉大提琴，Klaus 拉小提琴，Humphrey 弹钢琴。三个人都沉浸在音乐中，估计是他们自己写的曲子吧，婉转悠扬但是 Bernard 从没听过。Humphrey 修长的手指在琴键上灵巧地跳跃着，闭着眼睛满脸陶醉，随着音乐微微摇摆着身体。又一个问题有答案了，Bernard 想，Sir Humphrey 的琴弹得非常好，宛如专业的音乐家。_我爱上了一个真正的艺术家。_一曲终了，Humphrey 不舍地睁开眼，看到 Bernard 他略有点吃惊，但是并没有说话，只是一个温暖的微笑，让 Bernard 觉得自己所有的幼稚醋意都很可笑。Bernard 也没有说话，也没有移动，他知道任何其他事情在眼下都不重要。

Humphrey 又敲了敲琴键，他的指尖跳出了几个极简单的音符。Jumbo 皱起了眉头，仿佛听到了什么特别荒诞的笑话，用口型说了句：“什么玩意？”。Klaus 也讶异地抬眼，注意到了门口的年轻人，立刻明白了什么，意味深长地对 Bernard 笑了一下。于是两把提琴也跟上了 Humphrey 的旋律，加入了和鸣。

这一曲不再是古典音乐，而是流行歌曲 The Rose.

_Some say love it is a river _  
有人说爱是一条河  
That drowns the tender reed  
它淹没了柔弱的芦苇  
Some say love it is a razor  
有人说爱是剃刀  
That leaves your soul to bleed  
它让你的心流血  
Some say love it is a hunger  
有人说爱是渴望  
And endless aching need  
和带来无尽痛苦的需要  
I say love it is a flower  
我说爱是一朵花  
And you its only seed  
而你是它唯一的种子  
It's the heart afraid of breaking  
是那颗怕受伤的心  
That never learns to dance  
它从不学跳舞  
It's the dream afraid of waking  
是那个害怕醒来的梦想  
That never takes the chance  
它从不抓住机会  
It's the one who won't be taken  
是那个不会被带走的人  
Who can not seem to give  
他不会假装去付出  
And the soul afraid of dying  
是那颗害怕死去的心  
That never learns to live  
它从不学着生活  
When the night has been too lonely  
当夜晚显得太过寂静  
And the road has been too long  
路显得太长  
And you think that love is only  
而你又认为爱仅仅  
For the lucky and the strong  
属于那些幸运儿和强者的时候，  
Just remember in the winter  
只要记住，在冬天  
Far beneath the bitter snow  
在苦涩的雪底下  
Lies the seed that with the sun's love  
种下带着阳光爱意的种子  
In the spring becomes the rose  
在春天它就会变成玫瑰 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the song being too cliche... I don’t know many songs of the 80s, and my excuse is that Humphrey said both he and Bernard were roses, so...
> 
> I always found it a great pity that Jumbo disappeared since Season 2. Thought Dick in YPM was good enough, but Jumbo was great.
> 
> Klaus in my imagination looks like Sir John in LRRH’s arts. What an interesting consequence that we both think young Humphrey would date a blonde.

**Author's Note:**

> It’s my very first try of fanfic, please leave any comments about whatever you feel. Thanks！
> 
> Please forgive me if the English writing is not good enough, I'm not a native speaker, but I love the show Y(P)M too much.
> 
> I don’t own any of the characters, I suppose they belong to BBC.  
I love Sir Humphrey.  
I love Sir Nigel.  
Yes (Prime) Minister is THE BEST sitcom in my heart.


End file.
